how bone is your missus.

Having a nice lie in when missus points out that I had agreed to go out.
Well I've changed my mind says I.
Missus tries to pull off bed clothes but I was ready for that and clung on till she gave up.
Turned over and snuggled back into the warm.
Missus reappears with daughters pet ferret. Lifts the quilt and lobs it in.
Amazing how fast a naked bloke can get out of bed especially when he knows the ferret adores chipolatas and probably wouldn't turn down a couple of meat ball.
I take it your Mrs is now sporting a pair of black eyes and a sore nose?
 
A few weeks ago, SWMBO came up with a good idea. "Get rid of the kitchen table, put a breakfast bar around that corner, put a computer in the corner".

I considered this a good idea, so got on with the job. We've lived with it for a week, when I figured I could put my audio mixer under the keyboard, thus allowing lots of guitar electrickery. During the last week, she has mostly said "find some cable ties so I can tidy up the cables".

While she is under the unit, she asks for two cable ties so that they will reach around the hard drive. I handed her two ties, knowing that she couldn't possibly get the linking wrong.

Oh how wrong could I be?

First attempt, no zipping noise, one is upside down. Second attempt, a long zipping noise as she pulled it all the way through! Increasing the length of the first tie by at least 4mm!

Sometimes I read this thread to her, she understands our frustrations. Sometimes, she causes them.
 
We have been to Nottingham watching No.2 sprog in a rowing competition on the Trent. While they are preparing the boat we have a couple of hours to get lunch. SWMBO with her usual planning hasn't considered the range of possibilities. I, however, have done a quick surf on t'interweb and sussed out a couple of likely spots. It's a long time since I lived there, in 1988 I'd have been able to find the best beer and grub in the area.

We head across Trent Bridge and she says "I only want a light lunch. something like a sandwich". She then makes a beeline for the Brewhouse & Kitchen (which I have already sussed doesn't do sandwiches). After 10 minutes trying to decide where to sit and perusing the menu, there isn't anythng she really fancies.

So we leave and I direct us to the Trent Navigation Inn just round the corner, which DOES do sandwiches and light meals. We get in and she is impressed by the place.

Waitress turns up to take our order.
SWMBO "I'll have sausage and mash"
Me: I thought you wanted a light meal?
SWMBO "Yes but I've seen the menu and fancy sausage & mash"

She then promptly clears off a large plate piled high with sausage, mash, peas and gravy.

[Baffled]
 
Missus takes children for a walk in the wild wood. While they are distracted she climbs a tree and hides. Two worried children start anxiously searching for mum. After a while mum starts to make owl hoots.
Children become more anxious and then the penny drops.
"She's round here somewhere"

Today both children over 30 and mum wonders why they don't contact us much. Probably still traumatised.
 
We have been to Nottingham watching No.2 sprog in a rowing competition on the Trent. While they are preparing the boat we have a couple of hours to get lunch. SWMBO with her usual planning hasn't considered the range of possibilities. I, however, have done a quick surf on t'interweb and sussed out a couple of likely spots. It's a long time since I lived there, in 1988 I'd have been able to find the best beer and grub in the area.

We head across Trent Bridge and she says "I only want a light lunch. something like a sandwich". She then makes a beeline for the Brewhouse & Kitchen (which I have already sussed doesn't do sandwiches). After 10 minutes trying to decide where to sit and perusing the menu, there isn't anythng she really fancies.

So we leave and I direct us to the Trent Navigation Inn just round the corner, which DOES do sandwiches and light meals. We get in and she is impressed by the place.

Waitress turns up to take our order.
SWMBO "I'll have sausage and mash"
Me: I thought you wanted a light meal?
SWMBO "Yes but I've seen the menu and fancy sausage & mash"

She then promptly clears off a large plate piled high with sausage, mash, peas and gravy.

[Baffled]
You're not far off from Hooters there. They do light bites.
 
Mrs B stomping around this morning having a sensible sock crisis.

"Arrrgghh! Where have all my socks gone?"

"You mean the ones left in a basket on the floor in the utility room?"

"Yes them! Where are they?"

"The utility room whose door to the outside world you left open whilst dogs were eating this morning?"

"YES THAT ONE!!!!. Don't be so bloody diffi.....oh shit. ..."

Currently combing garden trying to find exactly where our GWP sock thief has hidden them this time.
 
I recently sent for my DNA it was just out of interest. It came back with quite a mixture of European nationalities. I was discussing this with my wife when she asked; "What did you have to do to get the DNA, did you have to send them a photo?" she's normally quite bright, so I didn't reply, especially as I noticed that she quickly 'blushed to her roots'
 
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Packing up to fly back to NZ.
SWMBO is going today, I'm going tomorrow . . . Please don't ask, it's complicated, and according to SWMBO, my fault.

As usual, it's my job to pack, check and fasten the suitcases for the trip.
SWMBO prefers to use an exterior reinforcing strap, but always asks me to fasten it.

The scene is now set, here's what happened.

SWMBO: Could you close the case and fasten the strap?

ME: Sure.. . . Why is the strap still hanging off the handle of the case?

SWMBO: It's the strap which was on it when I came out here.

ME: Why didn't you disconnect the catch? . . . Wait a minute, isn't that the strap with the combination lock? The combination that you couldn't remember?

SWMBO: Yes, but you can fix it.

ME: I told asked you not to use it, because you reset the numbers.

SWMBO: But you can always reset them.

ME: Only if I know the bloody things before I start.

SWMBO: Don't get upset, you always say you can fix things.

ME: You are right as always, O Receiver of my Seed, just give me a second . . . There . . . fixed.

SWMBO: You Bastard.



IMG_20180227_090644-01.jpeg


NOTE: A jacknife can fix many things.
 
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We (her) are on slimming world. Out for a nice walk up the hills with her new walking app.

"I've done 6,000 steps already."

Have you my dear? I wonder how many I've done?

"Well you've done 6,000 as well because... you're such a twat!"
Top Tip: Dont wear a Fitbit on the wrist connected to the hand you are using an electric mixer with and then start boasting about the vast number of steps you have done already this morning.
 
Top Tip: Dont wear a Fitbit on the wrist connected to the hand you are using an electric mixer with and then start boasting about the vast number of steps you have done already this morning.
Or wanking . . . allegedly
 
SWMBO is going today, I'm going tomorrow . . . Please don't ask, it's complicated
No, it isn't. You're sending her on ahead so you can have a night of beers and whores, clearly.
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
We (her) are on slimming world. Out for a nice walk up the hills with her new walking app.

"I've done 6,000 steps already."

Have you my dear? I wonder how many I've done?

"Well you've done 6,000 as well because... you're such a twat!"
Top Tip: Dont wear a Fitbit on the wrist connected to the hand you are using an electric mixer with and then start boasting about the vast number of steps you have done already this morning.
My Mrs has the same problem, it's on her drinking hand!! (She's not an alcoholic, buy does enjoy a few when we are out)

Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk
 
Ex GF convinced there's no gravity on the moon. No amount of scientific explanation would change her mind. Someone at work told her so it must be true. Her explanation for Armstrong et al bimbling about on the surface? Magnetic boots.

Apparently no fucking idea how magnetism works either.
 
Ex GF convinced there's no gravity on the moon. No amount of scientific explanation would change her mind. Someone at work told her so it must be true. Her explanation for Armstrong et al bimbling about on the surface? Magnetic boots.

Apparently no fucking idea how magnetism works either.
I had an Ex convinced water freezes at different temperatures because Ice forms on the surface an not underneath.

What you dont think its possible the water underneath isnt as cold as the water on top?

Wouldn't have it because someone at work had told her too.
 
My beloved got pinged speeding on Saturday night coming back from Leeds. Apparently this is all my fault for failing to tell her to slow down
She was zapped in a well established managed motorway section that she has driven through for years
She’s got the heaviest lead boots when behind the wheel
Goes effing mental if you ever comment on her speeding or any other aspect of her driving

It was only a matter of time before she got caught but oh no, I am not supportive enough apparently....
FFS


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
My beloved got pinged speeding on Saturday night coming back from Leeds. Apparently this is all my fault for failing to tell her to slow down
She was zapped in a well established managed motorway section that she has driven through for years
She’s got the heaviest lead boots when behind the wheel
Goes effing mental if you ever comment on her speeding or any other aspect of her driving

It was only a matter of time before she got caught but oh no, I am not supportive enough apparently....
FFS


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
FFS. :rolleyes:

Twat the cunt.
 

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