how bone is your missus.

Her friend came to visit for a few days.
Now this one I would have left many years ago. I have told her on many occasions about Google maps or Waze on her phone as have her sons, but no she has to use an ancient tomtom that hasn't been updated since the Romans left.
Things on her tablet are a bit of a miracle to her.
However the best was trying to explain automatic self dipping headlamps on her new car after someone had flashed her.
There we are with a coat that I am throwing on the car to cover the sensors to prove how they work. After 30+mins I am getting suicidal and she is getting tearful. I have a brainwave, lets pop down to the local dealer and ask them. The salesman has the patience of a coachload of saints and explains it all to her.
We get back to mine and and my wife asks how it went. "He was right, snuffle snuffle. "
 
Bafflement all round in my son's local, when one of the young female regulars started talking about a 'hot number stick'.
WTF?
Further interrogation, necessitating a couple more pints, revealed she was talking about a thermometer.
She was totally unfazed when somebody said 'but what if it's cold?'
'That's a cold number stick.'
Scotch chasers required after that.
 
However the best was trying to explain automatic self dipping headlamps on her new car after someone had flashed her.
I discovered those on my hire car this morning. Bombing along a pitch dark A38 when someone comes around the bend ahead and suddenly I can't see shit! Then, bombing along a long straight in the pitch dark, beams on so I can see where I'm going. In the distance, the reflection of some roadsign or other. Down go the lights and suddenly I can't see shit! And no obvious override. I'd spent the previous evening playing with all the settings and didn't see one to toggle the function on/off so if I owned the thing it would have been sent back as a useless load of shit the next day.

It was a Nissan, for what it's worth,
 
...It was a Nissan, for what it's worth,

There's your problem. BMW/Audi drivers have a reputation for being road hogs but Nissan drivers scare the shit out of me. Situationally unaware at best, downright clueless on average. It's possible that's why they bought the horrible thing in the first place.

Cue frothing Nissan owners stage left.
 
There's your problem. BMW/Audi drivers have a reputation for being road hogs but Nissan drivers scare the shit out of me. Situationally unaware at best, downright clueless on average. It's possible that's why they bought the horrible thing in the first place.

Cue frothing Nissan owners stage left.
I think Enterprise, and all the other hire firms, lease them...
 
There's your problem.
I don't get a choice. The company orders up the broker, the broker makes the booking, a car turns up at my house. It was grossly underpowered for its size*, too. Thank fuck I didn't need to go all the way across the country, like on the last job.


* Something I'd previously felt was merely a Vauxhall problem.
 
New microwave oven.

“Darling K, remember the rules, if using it for anything with a skin, baked potatoes etc, break the skin first. Stab it a bit with a fork, you’ll enjoy that.”

“Don’t talk to me as if I’m 12, I know. I understand.”

A few days later I heard a pop, not dissimilar to a tyre blowing. Then I heard herself squealing...

She’s microwaved an egg. It’s exploded.

Apparently as I had not specifically mentioned eggs, I’ve got to clean it up... And anyway, it’s a shell, not a skin.
 
My missus talking to lady across the road about her sons speech impediment. He pronounced his R's as W's and his mother was concerned as how this might affect his future prospects.
My missus with a straight face says " he'll be okay as long as he doesn't become a top ranker" this went straight over the ladies head. I nearly had kittens.

Another good one was my friend at the other end of the village. Told everybody to huge laughter that she had a dildo rail fitted in the hall.

Another one of hers was when she began to go on about skunk rockers and pin heads. Wrong but somehow descriptive.

Plump tomatoes and my favourite "old timers disease".

Although I am concerned that the last might come back to haunt me.
 
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I have to admire the patience of you lot. If I was shacked up with any of your birds then - well; put it this way...

That's not actually a parade square. It's my fucking patio!!
 
Still ll in Singers, went to see the Rivver HongBao display.
Sitting by the Merlion looking over towards the display when I tell SWMBO, "Look, that light has come on, they must be about to start"

SWMBO: "What light?"

ME: "The very bright one"

SWMBO: "Which one, they're all bright"

Me:"The biggest brightest one in the entire horizon, the one that is so bright it looks like a small nuke going off, the one that leaves purple after images on the retina"

SWMBO: "Don't get sarcastic with me, which one?

Me: *pointing at the blinding arc lights* "THAT BIG BUGGER THERE"

SWMBO:"Where?"








Kiwidoug walks off before violence ensues.

IMG_20180224_201906.jpg
 
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Still ll in Singers, went to see the Rivver HongBao display.
Sitting by the Merlion looking over towards the display when I tell SWMBO, "Look, that light has come on, they must be about to start"

SWMBO: "What light?"

ME: "The very bright one"

SWMBO: "Which one, they're all bright"

Me:"The biggest brightest one in the entire horizon, the one that is so bright it looks like a small nuke going off, the one that leaves purple after images on the retina"

SWMBO: "Don't get sarcastic with me, which one?

Me: *pointing at the blinding arc lights* "THAT BIG BUGGER THERE"

SWMBO:"Where?"








Kiwidoug walks off before violence ensues.

View attachment 323525
Take her to specsavers.
 
We (her) are on slimming world. Out for a nice walk up the hills with her new walking app.

"I've done 6,000 steps already."

Have you my dear? I wonder how many I've done?

"Well you've done 6,000 as well because... you're such a twat!"
 
Having a nice lie in when missus points out that I had agreed to go out.
Well I've changed my mind says I.
Missus tries to pull off bed clothes but I was ready for that and clung on till she gave up.
Turned over and snuggled back into the warm.
Missus reappears with daughters pet ferret. Lifts the quilt and lobs it in.
Amazing how fast a naked bloke can get out of bed especially when he knows the ferret adores chipolatas and probably wouldn't turn down a couple of meat balls.
 
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