how bone is your missus.

#1
dont know if this as been done guys, but you got to admit , they are prone to the odd howler.

check this out .

missus had another prang in her motor, got the civy equiv[ fmt 3, 3] was filling it out for her as you do , she,s firing all the facts to me im writing it down, all going well so far , then i gets to the picture , draws the cars stage by stage until said prang , then showed her the final draft being pleased with my artistic flair, she blew up in my face and said " SHE WAS GOING A LOT FASTER THAN THAT" god bless her, .
 
#2
Went camping with my ex t'other weekend (fcukin bizzare situation goin on there for a kick off), set up one of those cheap disposable bbq's and got the bugger lit. Prevailing wind was blowing majority of smoke into the tent, where she was sat looking into a mirror. She turned to me and said, quite seriously, 'I'm getting smoked out here, would you turn the bbq around so the smoke goes someplace else'. Bless.
 
#3
Morty said:
Went camping with my ex t'other weekend (fcukin bizzare situation goin on there for a kick off), set up one of those cheap disposable bbq's and got the bugger lit. Prevailing wind was blowing majority of smoke into the tent, where she was sat looking into a mirror. She turned to me and said, quite seriously, 'I'm getting smoked out here, would you turn the bbq around so the smoke goes someplace else'. Bless.
did you give her a comforting hug , god bless em all.
 
#4
Not my missus but her maternity replacement (so near enough)

Anyway, head of company taking a short jolly to Europe on business turns to said replacement and asks her to book him and his 3 associates a hire car to pick up from the airport on arrival. 'Any particular sort?' She asks. 'No, just a nice smart car will do.' Yes you guessed it she did just that and booked them a nice 'SMART' car.
 
#5
stroker said:
Not my missus but her maternity replacement (so near enough)

Anyway, head of company taking a short jolly to Europe on business turns to said replacement and asks her to book him and his 3 associates a hire car to pick up from the airport on arrival. 'Any particular sort?' She asks. 'No, just a nice smart car will do.' Yes you guessed it she did just that and booked them a nice 'SMART' car.
sorry mate you walked right into that one , bet it was ur fault .
 
#11
My wife was describing the convertible a bloke down the road bought for his wife to her friend on the phone

'Oh aye, it's a lovely red colour, it's one of those Toyota MP3's'
 
#12
Ok not my Missus but my best mates we'll say Dave's missus.

Three of us are at a cash point myself my mate (not Dave) and her. I'm in the process of getting my money out when she pipes up "I really like this cashpoint", hmmm a bit of a strange one I think so I ask her why's that Vic's, "I like the bleeps it makes". My mate goes "Ohhh little things for little minds", so trying to be witty I go "yeah that's why she's with Dave" her response - "but Dave doesn't bleep!" She honestly didn't get it for about an hour!
 
#14
also, when in California, we pulled into a motel car park. I pressed the tit that opened the boot. She said, "oh my god, the boot just opened itself!"

I explained that the car had a special sensor, and it knew that we had pulled into a hotel car park.
 
#15
A few years ago my ex-wife called me in a fit of fury and much gusto saying that the car would not remotely open.

I suggested calling out the BMW Emergency service and let them rectify the problem, the car was only a couple of weeks old.

I arived home as the BMW guy got there. Problem..........BMW's don't open with a VW key fob 8) 8)

My ex had a Phd.........not in common sense though :p :p

The BMW techie laughed, made diplomatic comments/suggestions and smiled all the way to his car. The bill for the callout was not funny at £125.00 :oops:

Bless her.........she is now making someone else unhappy :p


fastmedic
 
#16
a friend of my wife's had to take her car to Kwik Fit. She parked up, and walked into reception. The guy told her to go forward to the white line and someone would come and see her.

So with that, she walked into the work shop and simply stood on the white line. Incredible. She was there for like, ages
 
#18
In a tender moment one day, my (now) ex-wife laid her head on my shoulder after we came in from a long bike ride. Noticing something stuck to the front of my leathers she carefully picked it off with the aid of her perfectly manicured nails. 'What's this stuff all over your front?' she asked innocently. 'Dead flies' I replied. there then followed a dash by her to the nearest sink and the sound of wretching.

When she asked me once, why I constantly left the toilet seat up I told her it was because it dries off better that way...she never asked again.
 
#19
Me, my mate, his wife and another lass were all sitting in the living room with a beer watching the river go by. We were discussing the fishing and when told that there was salmon in the river my mate's missus became confused as to why they were so far down the river and how could they survive in salty water (tidal river)?. My mate and I look at each other in disbelief and then to my amazment the other lass also pitched in with "yeah I thought salmon were fresh water fish". After much explaining about the life cycle of a salmon, my mate's wife still confused and not willing to except that salmon can live in both salty and fresh water pipes up with a classic.................

" but I thought that their swim bladder would have a reaction to the different buoyancy of salty vs fresh water"

Still a little perplexed she goes on......."No i don't believe you guys, you are winding us up, if the salmon went into salt water they'd EXPLODE"

Cue the beer fountains coming out of our noses. But to add to it the other bird agrees with her completely!! thought i was going to drown in beer. The highly educated ay , his wife is a paediatric registrar and the other lass is a lawyer type! Gawd bless each and every one of them.
 
#20
redsquirrel said:
In a tender moment one day, my (now) ex-wife laid her head on my shoulder after we came in from a long bike ride. Noticing something stuck to the front of my leathers she carefully picked it off with the aid of her perfectly manicured nails. 'What's this stuff all over your front?' she asked innocently. 'Dead flies' I replied. there then followed a dash by her to the nearest sink and the sound of wretching.
.
In a similar vein although quite disgusting, my old flatmate had his girlfriend around one night and she saw he was chewing something and thought it would be really romantic to share some of the chewing gum he was chomping. He resisted saying it really wasn't chewing gum that she would like, but she insisted by giving him a smacking french kiss and the 'chewing gum' was transferred from his mouth to hers followed by a gagging sound and the realisation that he'd been chewing a huge bogey/greeney. Unfortunately as she gagged she swallowed it before spewing it back up again.

Funnily enough we never saw her in the flat again.
 

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