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How bone are folk at your work

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#1
A bit like the how bone is your missus thread but at work!

Today's conversation went something like this.

"You can't store that stuff under that table in there"

"Why not?"

"It's a fire risk"

" It's 200litres of sterile water"

" you can't store it there it's a fire hazard"

"I don't mean to be rude but since when has water been a fire hazard?

" you can't store it there because of fire" and off they went!
 
#2
I had my finger severed (not completely) by some 16 year old chavvy dickhead who thought it wise to see how far a knife would go into a pigshead----while I was holding said pigs head. It was the cunts first and last day on the job.
 
#3
Too many instances to mention but one chap springs to mind. A rather large lunatic told said chap to move or he would lamp him. Staff member said "you're not going to hit me" with the "me" being said as his head bounced off the floor
 
#4
Last place I worked, we a had klix drink dispenser which was free. One of the lads in the factory after three years of diligently queuing up each break time to get his free coffee, suddenly put a quid in it and asks if anyone else wants one, as he's not sure if it gives change!


And while we're on the subject Fang Farrier, I'll nominate my dentist. Who informed me a couple of months ago that the bit of filling I had lost, just needed patching up, and to book in for a filling at a later date.
Fast forward 8 hours later, I'm in casualty, having what you sadistic bastards I believe call an 'ablation of the gum'.

But she is really fit, so I'll let her off.
 
#5
I'm in the highway industry. Part of my job is checking drawings others have produced. Usually they aren't too bad (after I've ripped their first few attempts to pieces and they come around to my way of thinking. Yes, I'm a picky cunt, 90% right is not acceptable, 99% is marginally OK. If this involves my colleagues in putting some effort into what they do, that's just tough shit as far as I'm concerned.

Sadly we employ a number of foreigners. Whenever I get an email from one of them, I know it's going to be a pain in the arrse checking their work. I think the worst one was when my email back to my dusky friend simply said, "Which side of the road do we drive on in Britain?" Thick cunt did it again on his next job as well. My email back was just , "lap esolc neve toN". One of the lads sat near him reckoned he asked 2 other duskys in his team what my email meant before he got the message.
 
#6
A colleague at work, fond of eating boiled potato sandwiches (no carb overloading there then) who insisted to a member of the public that you could recycle burnt fuel, specifically petrol. As another colleague remarked, 'I like working with A***l, he is so stupid that he makes me look clever.'
 

Grumblegrunt

LE
Book Reviewer
#8
had a lithuanian and scotsman working as a pair who decided that putting mirrors on the wall with impact drivers like they did with kitchen units would be quicker - que 49 years of bad luck at least.

mind you the whole company was like that in one was or another - 'put your saftey specs on, that unit might fall on you'
 
#9
woman i worked with" i can't work out , where to plug in this electric lighter"
same woman" are the brown and white cows the ones that give semi skimmed milk?"
 
#10
had a lithuanian and scotsman working as a pair who decided that putting mirrors on the wall with impact drivers like they did with kitchen units would be quicker - que 49 years of bad luck at least.

mind you the whole company was like that in one was or another - 'put your saftey specs on, that unit might fall on you'
I was involved with a big glass roof over a shopping mall, hard hat, high vis and boots. Had to take the boots off on the roof, or you'll be through the glass in no time, but keep the hard hat on?
 

sirbhp

LE
Book Reviewer
#11
at one company i worked for they usedto let us use the internet on selected pooters at lunchtime. I got a real bollicking for ..... puting my empty sarnie wrappers in the bin. The girl wot worked there was a vegitarian and didnt like empty meat wraPPERS IN HER BIN... FFS
 

jarrod248

LE
Gallery Guru
#12
Pharmacy assistant at work 'what I don't understand is how eggs don't hatch'
I explained well you know you have periods every month and if you fertilised one of your eggs you'd get pregnant?

'nah because I'm on the pill and don't have periods every month'


Then same girl 'what's caverject for'
It was explained it was for erectile dysfunction.

'what's wrong with his rectum and does he have to inject in his bum?'

Thankfully she's gone to work in a hospital pharmacy...
 
#13
Spent 6 months upgrading 2 lifts. The clients rep came out to see us one afternoon. Took him for a spin in his new shiny lift. As we got in he took a deep breath, didn't think much of it....until he did it again a few days later. I asked him why and he said: "Well once in the lift you can't breathe can you. Which reminds me can you fit some fans to provide air for the passengers?" Took me a long time to convince him that lifts are not air tight boxes.

Another client of mine last week was moaning about a burning smell coming from the escalator. I took the thing to bits and could fins nothing wrong. He wandered over and asked how it was going. Got a bit upset when i told him there was nothing wrong. At that moment he shouted "See i told you there was a burning smell, can you smell it NOW?!". "Yeah" i said, "its coming from the toaster in the cafe 6ft to our right......"
 
#14
Mrs TSG's partner in work thought it would be a good idea to practice an anti car jacking drill he saw on you tube which involves your "assailant" putting his gun to her head, her slamming the gun into the A pillar and driving off with said "assailant" still hanging on to the police car.

Conversation went something like this (apparently)

Mrs TSG " if you think you're putting a gun to my head and me drag you around a car park you're very much mistaken, besides, who's going to carjack 2 armed coppers in a police car?"
Chod "I'll unload it"
Mrs TSG "you can fuck right off"
Chod "you're boring"

The idiot wanted to do it at a train station car park, luckily with mrs TSG being ex mob and sensible in the use of firearms she put that stupid idea to bed right away.

Not really anything to do directly with me but he works in the same farce.
 
#15
I've posted else where about a mong I used to work with, Watching Zulu on nights wanted to know why the British troops didn't call in air support "From them Apache copter things".

Watching Saving Private Ryan wanted to know why they didn't invade France through the Chunnal.....

Sadly he was an ex-Stab Sapper too...... I think they must have dropped an MGB on his head.
 
#16
Had one of our lot phone me from his landline claiming he couldn't get into work that night as he was stuck in the traffic behind that massive smash on the M6 the other year. When I called him a thick cunt and ripped into him he just hung up - phoning back 10 minutes later saying his brother was the one who phoned just "messing around". He no longer works for us.

Another cunt wrote off one of our cars saying he swerved to avoid a badger. Then tried to claim compo via some no win no fee scheme on the grounds of the "change oil next service" light was on and so the vehicle was unfit to drive.

Fucking Janners - honestly, the mob sort of protects you from exposure to these sort. If you had told me 5 or 6 years ago these sort of people actually exist outside of care in the community schemes I would not have believed it.

Once had a cleaner phone in complaining that one of our bods had'nt unlocked a school on time and she tried to patronise me thinking she had the upper hand - using that sqeaky high-pitched voice some women assume when they are trying to sound posh. I reminded her that the clocks had gone back the night before and ended the conversation with: "You're not a cleaner for no reason ya know luv!"
 
#18
A PIR light was installed above the door at Wand Tetley Gym:when it gets dark, light comes on.Sparky gets a work ticket, clearly (to me)a duplication, to install a similar light at the same location. He went to the stores and booked out a motion sensing fitting, and wired it up next to the existing light.So, when it got dark, the original light came on:when you approached the gym, Sparkys light sensed the movement and came on. The original fitting, sensing light, went off.On/Off all bloody night.Pillock.
 

sirbhp

LE
Book Reviewer
#19
I've posted else where about a mong I used to work with, Watching Zulu on nights wanted to know why the British troops didn't call in air support "From them Apache copter things".

Watching Saving Private Ryan wanted to know why they didn't invade France through the Chunnal.....

Sadly he was an ex-Stab Sapper too...... I think they must have dropped an MGB on his head.
yew lie like a cheap NAFFI watch. A sapper.
 

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