House viewing

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by sillyboy, Jan 5, 2009.

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  1. I have this friend you see,

    Thick does not even closely describe him but pay him to build you an extension and it will be up in a fortnight and as good as it gets. For some time now he has been on the arrse end of some good little stitch ups, all evenly spaced apart and of varying degree's of severity, to give a couple of examples,

    (1) He worked over on a job one Saturday whilst the rest of us met in the local, his missus came with us so as to meet him when he wrapped up his job and come for a wet, off she toddled for a p*ss, left her phone on the table, he rang, I (in my perfected soft Scottish lilt) answered "Hello?" to which he replied "Who the f*ck is this?", my retort ? " This is PC Dave Thomas of West Yorkshire Police, we currently have Mrs K**** B**** in custody under suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol, unfortunately we have had to detain her and social services are en-route to facilitate the care of the 2 children that were in the on and so forth, down he tears to the local nick going nuts at the desk jockey and screaming "give me my f*cking kids!".....cue much laughter all round once he rocks up at the pub to find the little un's out in the summer sun with the other kids and us all smirking, and I ended up with a chipped tooth during the 'friendly' wrestle that ensued. :D

    (2) After a cracking party at his, we convinced his teenage daughter to let us stick a pair of muddy boots out of the end of her quilt, pack the empty side of her bed with pillows to look like a sleeping male and put a comedy wig on a 5 a side football and cammed it up amongst the bedding, the look was tremendous, we then told her to pretend to be asleep and a female member of our party woke Terry up and said "Im not sure if it's my place to say but someone is in bed with your daughter"......he tore in there, ripped the quilt back whilst pulling back his fist to find his daughter in jeans and jumper p*ssing herself laughing and 2 of us in the wardrobes !!

    Now this house is a beauty, big 4 bedroomed monster with cellar, attic conversion, games room ect and he has been trying to shift it for a year, a couple are coming back for a final viewing Saturday morning and we cant resist it, entry is not a drama, there is forever a key in a certain place, numerous ideas have been bandied about,

    1, One of us tied to a chair Reservoir dogs style covered in "blood" and gagged.

    2, Two of us to appear mid viweing, one in smart suit, the other, full gimp suit, zipped up mouth, the works, then just casually walk past and out the front door pulling said "gimp" on a lead out for a walk.

    Any better ideas ? Or is the line being firmly, firmly crossed ? (And no remarks about finance, the lad is minted, the house is little more than an embuggerance!)
  2. Lines are there to be crossed.

    A raised pile of earth in the back garden, a small bunch of flowers and a card that says 'Sleep well, my love'.

    ...........should be worth at least one civil suit and a visit from the Serious Crime Squad.
  3. dildos vibes gimp outfits in the dishwasher 'getting cleaned' and gimp outfits on the washing line.
  4. :D You, sir, are a genius.

    Obtain two convincing body-shaped items and wrap them in plastic. Tie/tape up as you would with a body you're about to throw into a river (there's probably a guide to disposing of bodies on the wiki somewhere). When he arrives, you and some friends are just carrying these bodies out of the house and putting them into a car boot. Meanwhile, inside, a third bloke is scrubbing (fake) blood off the bath and bathroom floor whilst whistling cheerily. Scatter some ketchup-stained baseball bats around, and for added effect put your mates in balaclavas.

    The look on his and his guests' faces will be worth having to explain it all to the police later.
  5. Or one of you put on lipstick and a wig and a womens swimsuit and handcuff yourselves to a bed.

    Hillarious stories btw!
  6. Both options sound a scream to me, not sure wot the agents will think tho ?? !! lol :twisted:
  7. Feck me someone has just come into my office and asked what Im laughing so loud about !! excellent !! The others too !! :D :D
  8. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Never mind all that. How is he at loft conversions? And is he inexpensive?
  9. Why not get a couple of you out in the garden running around, waving your hands in the air. drooling and shouting, generally acting like a pack of mongs. When said couple clock you, shout out to your mate if it's time to go back into the secret cellar.
  10. If he's minted, why not get a load of fillys on hire, set up video cameras on tripods etc etc and pretend to be filming yer own adult movie, even better actually go through with it lol, dont think the wives will be too happy like !! :twisted:

    Ps Reni - I get funny looks in the office too, im sure ive got a report needs finishing here somewhere lol !!
  11. Christ Ive got my own at the end of a bloody corridor and someone still come for a nosey ! Was considering getting a big chap we play rugby with to act the "have you found my baseball?" trick from that film "There's something about Mary", he is one scary looking fecker, just get him to wander up from the cellar in dungarees and ammo boots with a Benny from Crossroads hat saying "are you my new Mummy and Daddy?" in a mong voice ! :D
  12. The trouble with all the suggestions so far is that they require some people actually on site and obvious. That is a sure stumbling-block, ultimately, as they are likely to be people he knows and it could get directly messy and unpleasant. Better is to call in external "help". Phoning Rentokill and getting them to come round at the appropriate time to exterminate the plague of cockroaches would be safer and more effective. Sit in a car opposite and film the results!
  13. Set fire to it and get everyone to stone the Fire Brigade when they turn up, you could also overturn the estate agents car as a street barricade and perhaps set fire to that too.
  14. He wont be there by all accounts, just an estate agent and a young couple just about ready to part with the best part of 300k !! Plans are afoot for a "Saw" type scenario, one of us chained to a radiator all "bloodied" up, the other "dead" on the granite worktop......might book a holiday though for the Sunday morning, first flight out of the country please !! :D
  15. I'll admit I'm a little out of touch but when I was in the UK in July 300k wouldn't buy much around Oxford. That being the case how are you justifying calling this guy "minted"?