Hospital stay - What do I need?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by The_Phantom_Bear_Dresser, Nov 10, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Apart from a solicitor to get me out again afterwards. What does a person take on one of these jolly little jaunts?

    Nightie/Pj's, (I have realised that nakedness is frowned upon)
    Wash kit, (so I don't end up stinky, well more then usual at any rate).
    Cell phone, (so I can keep in contact with the insane (families, don't ya just love em))

    What else am I going to need, to help the insanity along :biggrin:?

  2. First of all you need an hospital !

    They are closing them down for fun in my area and surrounding towns. We are getting more and more like a3rd World country every day. They are even dimming the streetlamps as well !
  3. No I have a hospital, and a date and time, and even someone to look after me when I'm there.

    Now just need some ideas to keep me insane

  4. I've spent about 3 weeks in large inner city hospitals. Once for a heart condition (now cured), once for constant nose bleeds (stopped of their own accord) and once for smashing my ankle to pieces (very drunk-fell off a high wall)

    First thing to do is ask for the 'ethnic menu'

    Most food is cooked by immigranrt workers and English cuisine is a (quite fairly) joke to them. They think the english simply boil everything. Ask for a curry or rendang, and you will get some proper scran and more generous portions. My local hospital had curries bought in from a local curry house! I only found this out on the last day of my stay!

    Invest in some snacks, like cuppa soups or mug shots. Biscuits and sweets if you like. Fruit will go off pretty quickly.

    Take an I-pod or similar. Take a lap top too if there is wi-fi or you have a web dongle. However a lot of hospitals have patientline TV/Internet connections and screens for each patient's bed. You might want to take your own headphones with a 3.5mm jack as the supplied ones are pretty shit.

    Take a big towel, dressing gown and slippers. You might want to take some ordinary clothes if you may be allowed to take a walk around the hospital. They don't want you sat in bed all day unless you are really ill.

    And finally, don't worry about it. Just because the hospital may be full of staff whose first language isn't English, and it may seem rather chaotic at first, you will probably get clinical care that is excellent, if not the best in the western world.

    The only gripe I have with the NHS is the food, and the fact that they think its a good idea to keep you utterly in the dark about your treatment until the moment they wheel you into theatre.
  5. Fags, booze, "art" mags, needle and thread, material for more uniforms (can't have you being idle), phone number for Liberty
  6. Speaking of food, will they have those little sealed tubs of honey? Won't someone think of SGT. Slingsby?
  7. Permanent marker pen to mark, circle and arrow the area of operation. All other areas marked up as "do not cut here or remove these parts". Surgeons can't read but the nurses can and will guide them to the right spot.
  8. Box of tissues for 'cleaning up' after your intimate bed baths...

    (Side note: My judgement is clouded by watching Candy Stripers too many times. I still think all hospitals are manned entirely by sex-crazed teens)

    Sleep mask, in case your bed bath is handled by a 20st, 60yr old nurse from Barbados.
  9. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Depends on how long you're going to be in for. Boredom is the biggest thing, so some TV magazine so you'll know what's on when if you like TV.

    If in for a while definitely something for your feet for wearing in the shower!

    And a lock for the bedside locker.
  10. These often cost silly amounts, and if they have a phone built in do not use it as they cost a fortune. When Wife Mk.2 was in two years ago, if you recieved a call at the bed it would charge to receive as well as to make calls.
    So take your mobile, staff tried being arsey with the wife pointing to signs prohibiting their use. Yet they all had them on them and would use them on the ward.
  11. Portable TV
    Felt pen, to draw on those who fall asleep
    Condoms - may be a mixed ward
  12. A gimp suit to run about the ward at night the nurses willl love it and keep them occupied
  13. [​IMG]

    Well that MRSA is quite nasty you know.
  14. Not in yellow though, it's such a hard colour to wear.
  15. mwl946

    mwl946 LE Good Egg (charities)

    Oh yes, that really makes our shift :-(

    Decent coffee or tea bags, plus your own mug. NHS issue makes cofftea taste like nectar and the plastic cups are foul ('elf and safety - we can't have the patients burning themselves on hot cups). Baby wipes are useful too. Make sure you take a couple of face flannels of different colours - one for face, one for body - or the obligatory bedbath will turn into an all body exfoliation treatment carried out with scratchy paper towels. Plenty of magazines/ books (so night staff can pinch them to read in the quiet hours), about twice the number of PJs/nighties you think you ll need - nothing worse than wearing the same one for 24hrs until your rellies bring you in fresh.

    Oh, and a sense of humour - you ll need it when the confused old biddy in the next bed asks you, for the 34th time in an hour "What are you doing in my house?" (Most effective at 3am).

    Hope all goes well TPBD.