Hospital Revenge

#1
I am currently stuck in hospital, sharing a room with 2 boxheads. The one next to me snores like a rutting Gorilla and the other one plays lift music till 0200hrs and sleeps with the light on. Now I am supposed to be resting, as I am out numbered how can I sort these fuckers out?

I have started by having a nice smelly shit this morning!

Ideas?
 
#2
Speak to the HLO?

Report the music one to the nursing staff - should have earphones

Ask for sleeping meds
 
#3
57Chevy said:
I am currently stuck in hospital, sharing a room with 2 boxheads. The one next to me snores like a rutting Gorilla and the other one plays lift music till 0200hrs and sleeps with the light on. Now I am supposed to be resting, as I am out numbered how can I sort these fuckers out?

I have started by having a nice smelly s*** this morning!

Ideas?
Tell them how we won the World Cup and 2 World Wars and an It's A Knock Out. They like that. ;)
 
#4
Tell them you are Jewish and ask what their relations did in the war? :wink:
 

copepod

Old-Salt
Book Reviewer
#5
Foam ear plugs for yourself? Curtains round the bedspace with the ligths on at night. Seems odd that staff allow noise until 0200.
 
#8
I was on a ward at the John Radcliffe, opposite a patient who had drank himself almost to death.

He would pick his nose all day until it bled, dung up his sheets to attract attention, rather than ring for the nurse and spend all night moaning and shouting. All night.

The three others of us got together and complained to the ward sister. She prescribed us all powerful sleeping pills.

So it came to pass that we were all fast asleep the following night when he arrested and died on the ward.
 
#9
King_of_the_Burpas said:
I was on a ward at the John Radcliffe, opposite a patient who had drank himself almost to death.

He would pick his nose all day until it bled, dung up his sheets to attract attention, rather than ring for the nurse and spend all night moaning and shouting. All night.

The three others of us got together and complained to the ward sister. She prescribed us all powerful sleeping pills.

So it came to pass that we were all fast asleep the following night when he arrested and died on the ward.
No, you all got together and gave him all the sleeping tablets you had been given. ;)
 
#10
I found that reading "Biggles Defies the Swastika" aloud to them around the clock and asking them questions about it as if they were there, helped to calm the teutonic patients to some extent, they seem to have assumed that I was insane and avoided all eye contact or anything in the slightest that might attract my attention.

My hitting the arrogant consultant surgeon, full in the face with a used papier mache bed pan, during one of his rounds might well have influenced them to some extent! Strangely enough after much whispering amongst the staff and other patients I was soon moved to a cushty private room with a big telly!
 
#11
tired_chimp said:
you could try not being a lazy malingering bastard. get back to work. cunt.
We are a tired chimp today. School knock off early?
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#12
Shit in your hand and smear it on their pillows whilst they sleep

Shit in the ward autoclave in the middle of the night, turn it up full, pretend to be asleep

Piss on their head then wire their bed frame to the mains
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#13
I have also experienced this. I used to get Mrs B&T to sneak in a kebab and a bottle of Jagermeister. The reulting smell gave me some satisfaction.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#14
OK, shit in your hand then paint tiny swastikas on the walls with 'Adolf Leben' underneath.

The shitting in your hand is the best bit.

What? WHAT?
 

chrisg46

LE
Book Reviewer
#15
King_of_the_Burpas said:
I was on a ward at the John Radcliffe, opposite a patient who had drank himself almost to death.

He would pick his nose all day until it bled, dung up his sheets to attract attention, rather than ring for the nurse and spend all night moaning and shouting. All night.

The three others of us got together and complained to the ward sister. She prescribed us all powerful sleeping pills.

So it came to pass that we were all fast asleep the following night when he arrested and died on the ward.
My mrs spent a week to ten days in hospital a couple of years ago with a severe kidney infection. She was on a ward with some OAP females, who were somewhat noisy. One woul dpray loudly day and night without pause "Oh lord, pleeease hep meh, hep me pleeeeaze... Pleaze com, pleaz com", The other would wait until the ward was quiet then ring a bell and call out in a high pitched scottish accent "Nurse, nurse, i need a poo...."
The mrs was almost ready for the psych ward by the time she left...
 
#16
Grab hold of the radio and smash the snorer's face in until it breaks !

Maximum result, minimum effort !
 
#17
You're lucky, I've just come out of Wigan hospital after having a colostomy done, I was in a 10 man ward filled with ageing old blokes with various Gastric problems, it was like the sounding of the retreat in that ward after tea time, I couldn't even compete as I was unable to fart. The bloke next to me and big time Walt... y'know, he was in those who could not be named, wink wink he snored like f*ck so to get revenge I used to change my bag at mt bedside, the ward would instantaneously fill with a delightful aroma of poo, they complained like billy oh, but still did it all the same.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#18
Shit in your hand then eat it. It might not piss off the Krauts but you will get shifted to a psyche ward where you will meet an interesting class of person.
 
#20
chrisg46 said:
My mrs spent a week to ten days in hospital a couple of years ago with a severe kidney infection. She was on a ward with some OAP females, who were somewhat noisy. One woul dpray loudly day and night without pause "Oh lord, pleeease hep meh, hep me pleeeeaze... Pleaze com, pleaz com", The other would wait until the ward was quiet then ring a bell and call out in a high pitched scottish accent "Nurse, nurse, i need a poo...."
The mrs was almost ready for the psych ward by the time she left...
Are you sure your missus didn't check into the House of Lords by mistake?
 

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