Horrific things you've found in public toilets.

sirbhp

LE
Book Reviewer
I put a half frozen pigs head in the ladies loo once complete with half smoked fag in its mouth . The pub was the Rifles in Enfield .
anyone find it yet ?
 
I once found a working lock on the door and a large supply of toilet paper. There was no shit in or on the porcelain, or the walls for that matter, and the floor was dry.

To this day nobody has believed me.

On another occasion the missus was working the last train from Waterloo one night and it had one of the disabled toilets with the massive, curved automated doors that open if not locked properly from the inside.
To hers, and the other passengers delight it opened to reveal a young amorous couple, the male member of said couple going like a Trojan up her rear loader.
"I knew he was bumming her because she said so quite loudly, several times. To be honest the narration was completely unnecessary, it was quite obvious to anyone watching."

To their credit they didn't miss a stroke despite the big reveal.
Pics?
 
What looked like a decomposing severed cock in a urinal in the public bogs at the entrance to Kings Park in Bournemouth.... or at least what I imagine such a thing would look like......
What colour was it ?
 
We were in Sedan , small town just outside Paris, a couple or three of years ago
Shopping Carrafour, in a pretty third world part of the town I got caught a bit short,quick trip to the bog no light, no paper nip out to customer service "Got any toilet paper "? in English
"Sorry Sir" , but she had some kitchen roll" will this do ?" also in English

Back into the non gender specific toilet... just manage to get there and empty (French coffee does strange things to my digestive system)... by now I have become adjusted to the lack of daylight, and my reactolites are now clear
Holy Mother of God !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
not only no toilet paper, no paper towels either ,that was the least of their problems the regulation no seat on the toilet , so cold porcelain , shit all over the floor, looked back at what I'd been sat on , shit all around the top, because there had been no paper the local (non indigenous) people had just used their hands , wiped the walls or wherever they could and gone over to the sink unit and tried to wash it off, so the taps were crusted in shite, as was the sink
it makes me shiver just thinking about it even now, and it takes a lot to make me shiver

I extricate myself from the hell hole , straight back to customer service
"THOSE TOILETS ARE IN A DISGUSTING CONDITION AND NEED CLEANED NOW!!!!!" I ranted

"pardonnez-moi monsieur je ne comprends pas"

"Yes you do ! You spoke to me in perfect English 3 minutes ago" having cooled down a bit

Again in English now she says " We have the toilets cleaned by a contractor every morning you know1"

they wee selling fresh fruit and veg, dread to even think about people , having used that toilet then handling it
Needles to say we bought nothing there , went across the road to Lidl and shopped there

stupid thing ... I had the camper outside with a perfectly adequate toilet compartment .

(edited to add, still waiting for a reply from Carrafour, only three years ago, so I think they aren't too bothered)
Reactolites and a camper van.

You'd better hope your defence team is strong.
 
Reactolites and a camper van.

You'd better hope your defence team is strong.
fuck off ................or you go in the mong box with Baggy loster higgsy Grac and accidental .... it wont be pleasant being in their company with little chance of escape :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
 
**** off ................or you go in the mong box with Baggy loster higgsy Grac and accidental .... it wont be pleasant being in their company with little chance of escape :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Avoidance, deflection but tellingly no denial.

Hmmm.
Reactolites.
 
Someone using socks on hands whilst on the rob. Binned on premises so not on CCTV.
Yeah, because you blend into the crowd so much better with footwear on your hands and it's far easier to steal without opposable thumbs.
 
A green tree frog.

Not exactly horrifying but when you’ve just had a crap and see something bright green moving around the pan you tend to jump a little.

For the amphibian lovers out there you will be pleased to know he stuck to the porcelain better than a month old turd and survived to be flushed another day.
 
A green tree frog.

Not exactly horrifying but when you’ve just had a crap and see something bright green moving around the pan you tend to jump a little.

For the amphibian lovers out there you will be pleased to know he stuck to the porcelain better than a month old turd and survived to be flushed another day.
Sometimes I too get distracted & can't remember what I had for my last meal.
 
I put a half frozen pigs head in the ladies loo once complete with half smoked fag in its mouth . The pub was the Rifles in Enfield .
anyone find it yet ?
it got married to a local lad
 
A green tree frog.

Not exactly horrifying but when you’ve just had a crap and see something bright green moving around the pan you tend to jump a little.

For the amphibian lovers out there you will be pleased to know he stuck to the porcelain better than a month old turd and survived to be flushed another day.
First thought you meant a decomposing Gurkha.
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
I put a half frozen pigs head in the ladies loo once complete with half smoked fag in its mouth . The pub was the Rifles in Enfield .
anyone find it yet ?
Do you mean half a pig's head that was frozen or a full head in process of defrosting?
 
Slightly off topic, but I’ve just been for a dump and one of the turds boasted it knew my national insurance number and body mass index.

Shit just got personal.


[Look, I’m really sorry. I’ve upped my writers’ encouragement beatings this week, but even so that’s the best they’ve come up with. Mtobo does his best, but Abdul’s never getting his passport back at this rate.]
 
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Today I popped out a log of gargantuan proportions, it rose proudly clear of the waterline by at least 3 inches. This was in the cubicle in work that is used by the "posher" office staff.

Did I flush?
No be fucked did I. I was proud of the big brown bastard.
 

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