Hoop Dhobies - The Way Forward !

Hoop Dhobi

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MDN has quite properly complained in this forum of the lack of 'Typical Squaddie Humour' posts. In an effort bring the NAAFI Bar back to it's rightful place as the Vanguard of British Culture, (cousins please take note) I'd like to hear of any tales of the ever popular Hoop Dhobi !

The first one that springs to my mind was a night at Bucanneer's in NSG.

I chucking down Tusker on slate and was just watching the scantilly clad mahouris trying to seperate the boys from their shillingi for dubious favours.

One of the Jock lads had decided that these girls needed to be treated like the lasses back in Glasgow so he grabbed one and got busy swapping spit with her big time.

He glanced up to tell us just what he was about to do to her in a couple of shakes and saw that the dozen of lads he was about to impress were all pissing themselves with laughter. We were bloody crying ! "Och, fcuk youse, ah'll be the one laughing soon enough ! What's so fcuking funny ?"

The grungiest of the hysterical mob managed to gasp out between his belly-laughs, "Aye, but it's no three minutes since yon lass gave me a hoop dhobi ! An' ye're chomping on ma ring !"

Damn, but that bloke could put on a turn of speed to the bogs !

Well I guess you had to be there. There's got to be some better stories than that out there, so lets get the NAAFI Bar back where it belongs.
Much Much better.

I've only ever had two ring dobeys both paid for, one with a big black heffer in Hannover, she was the only thing left that looked semi human and under seventeen.

On entering there seemed little point in settling for the usual nosh, bombay roll and a shag. I wanted to degrade her so in a drunken state demanded a ring dobey and stab her sheriff badge.

I backed up on to her fizzog and her big lizard tongue went beserk around my starfish, it was awesome, but a fit of the giggles and a desire to call her names took over, the event was cut short and I was hoyed in the street by a big bouncer that appeared as if from a genie. Shame as I'm sure with continued effort, concentration and a slight squeeze I could have popped an air biscuit in her gob

The second was a thoroughly spiffing affair in Bremen, two birds, a jacuzzi and me with my leg in pot. but thats another tale :D
My tale starts in the QEMH, Woolwich. A den of decadence the AMS will never see again.

This lass I was seeing was gagging for a proper seeing to up her hoop. Me, being the kind Medic that I am, obliged for I had never performed that before on a willing or unwilling young lady.
So after a bit of lubrication, off I went.
However, as I got near the old vinegar strokes, she said," Can I rim you?". So being half-tanked up, hormones on over-drive I thought in for a penny in for a pound.
So out I popped, bent over and off she went with her old tongue. Now I was thinking by this time, christ she's a bit of a slapper but being in need of a release of my man fat, didn't really care. However, I was near her window which looked over the NAAFI and it was bop night. Some of the usual crowd where on their way over and saw me in her window. I managed to open the window, even with her complaints and said see you in a mo. By this time I thought beer was a better option, turned over gave her me todger and off she went noshing away. So here she was noshing my todger which had only recently been up here hoop and so off shot me old man and I was relieved.

The best bit about the whole episode is that night I went to the bop, where she pulled another guy and had her tongue half way down his throat. Who was he? Just the orderly sergeant at that time, who was a winker of the first order. Ficking excellent, that night I sat with the widest grin in my whole life, pissing myself.
You haven't lived until you've had a bird tongue your apple fritter.

Wouldn't make someone I like do it, but its fine to make the dirty slappers give you a good oral de'clagging :D
If you have had your tea towel holder slurped - keep it quiet !!!!!

Out on the town one night for a few quite beers one of the lads trapped off with a rather nice bird – not you usual squaddie slapper.
Next morning at NAAFI break he delighted in telling all and sundry all the details of his tryst with the good looker. Included in his little monologue to a rapt audience were all the details of how he banged her back doors in and (the final crescendo his story) how she ticked his rusty bullet hole with a rather versatile tongue.
Some weeks later we were off out again and he was duly invited but he declined the offer saying (rather secretly) he was meeting ‘someone’ – this continued for a while until we found out he was still seeing the tail-end dhobi expert. To cut a short story long, he ended up marrying her and rued the day he had his 5 minutes of fame in the NAAFI – as every time she put in an appearance around camp all the boys would poke tongues lizard fashion, whilst creasing up laughing. :p :p :p :p
i agree , there's nothing he'll hate more than being ignored by one and all , come on lads lets lower the tone of this post right down to basement level :)
Back on topic, i cant claim to have partaken in such events - a shame im sure. However did have the dubious pleasure of entering a squaddies room to see him squatting on the floor - "Sir, erm sorry sir i cant really stand up" me:"I haven't got time for this" him: "Sorry sir but you dont understand, i cant stand up" me:"what? why not?" him:"its quite embarassing sir" me thinking hes taking the piss, "soldier get up" him, stands "aagh, me arrse" me noticing him in considerable pain "are you ok?" him:"no, some dirty bitch wanted to lick my rim, then she used her teeth" me :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
at my brothers unit they had an impromptu "room search" for contraband which included RMP going through lockers bins etc. they pulled a tube out of the bin , at which my brother started chuckling.
"this isn't a laughing matter sonny" sez RMP
"oh i think you'll find it is , that's my old pile cream tube and that was up my arrse 5 minutes ago" ..... priceless. :lol:
Hmmm, do you boys really like that, at first i didnt have a clue what where talking about but now I do and by the way who the feck is GQ.

I allways found that a bottle of cold champagne and a warm mouth was far more fun, than licking someones ring piece, Am I too innocent.

Maybe i Need to lear!!!!!!

Any offfers for a teacher??? :twisted:

And also being a girly me mates have never mentioned this practice, teabagging we know about but hmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!
Funny you should mention champagne - it makes fellatio a lot better (if that is truly possible) if bird takes a swig first!
That is what i was talking about, failing champagne, coca-cola, or any other fizzy cold liquid works!!!!

Thought i was gna get grief for being boring!!!
Medical researchers tabulating written cases in which items were recovered from the rectums or "Bum holes" of patients reported 700 items from 200 patients.

They included: a live, shaved declawed gerbil; a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup; an axe handle; a 9-inch zucchini; a 4-inch vibrator with two D-cell batteries; a plastic spatula; a 9 1/2-inch water bottle; a 3 1/2-inch Japanese float ball; an 8-inch carrot; an antenna rod; a 100-watt bulb; a screwdriver; four rubber balls; 72 jeweler's saws (all from the same patient, 29 at one time); a paperweight; an apple; an onion; a plastic toothbrush package; a frozen pig's tail (which got stuck after it thawed); a 1O-inch length of broomstick; an 8-inch umbrella handle; a banana encased in a condom; two Vaseline jars; a whiskey bottle with a cord attached; a teacup; an oil can; a 10-inch toolbox (weighing 22 ounces); a 6-inch stone weighing two pounds; a baby powder can; a test tube; a ballpoint pen; a peanut butter jar; a flashlight; a turnip; a pair of eyeglasses; a hard-boiled egg; several tumblers and glasses; a file; a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink and a carborundum grindstone with handle.
A peanut butter jar???????????????????
Damn that ass must be wide
Just asked the missus for a hoop dhobie. She didn't know what it was so she read this thread. Now she won't talk to me.......

Thank fcuk for that :D
one of my mates is a paramedic and she has told me of many strange things people come in wid stuck in various rude parts.

One women cam in with a babys bottle up her bottom, claiming that she fell onto it when sitting down.

Ok this is a bit sick but true:

The worst she told us was a 999 call they got to some man, knocking on the door the man answered wid a towel over a very large apendedge, askign what the problem was whilst trying to keep a straight face, he whips away the towel to reveal a yorkshire terror stuck on the end of his old chap. It transpires that he was trying to give his dog a good time and the dog wasnt enjoying it and clamped its muscles.

The thing is he had been like that for 4hrs before phoning the Ambulance service.

Sorry to lower the tone!!!!!!!!!!
Another good reason to not go anywhere near there with your tongue unless the area has just been steam cleaned with Dettol and a large industrial scrubbing brush:

And this is the face you pull when someone is nurring on your rusty bullet wound:

Heh - "you have to give me one first", she says. :( 8O :(

Looks like im spending the night on the floor in the kitchen then........
Second hand dits.........but they all count.

Bloke I worked for while at Uni told me about him and group of mates who met up every month, the blokes would stand at the bar while the bints chatted. Anyway one bird (very shy type) got a bit tipsey and let it slip to me mates wife that her old mans favorite turn on was a ring dobie, couldn't perform unless he had one...........apparently.

on a slight tangent

Was told by a nurse that an eldely couple were brought into A&E in a very compromising position.........the bloke fancied something a bit different so instead of the potting the pink or brown........he went for the opening for her colostomy bag in her side 8O.

Anyway.........gotta go shave me crack and get the steamer primed :wink:

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