***REUTERS-ARRSE***RELEASE IMMEDIATE*** Despite rumours to the contrary, The Rt Hon Geoff Hoon has not been chopped as a result of the latest round of budgetary bidding, according to the Ministry of Defence. Lt Col C d'Etat of the Royston Vasey Rifles (Babs' Own) who is the MoD's senior spokeman insisted that the Secretary of State for Defence had merely been 'rebalanced' although many commentators have claimed that Mr Hoon had been deposed in a mutiny, dragged to Tyburn Cross, hanged, drawn and quartered by an enraged crowd of soldiers after he fell asleep during a presentation on how to improve morale in the army. Col d'Etat said, "It is untrue to say that Mr Hoon has been cut, but he has been rebalanced in order to meet the demands of the 21st Century army." He went further, asserting that Mr Hoon was now actually larger in real terms since his quatered corpse was distributed over a large area and because many of those parts were bloated. "Mr Hoon's head is now rebalanced on top of a pikestaff in the Tower of London," Col D'Etat continued, "which I think he would have appreciated, because he was very keen on rebalancing the forces." When asked if Mr Hoon's rebalancing would have any effect on the troops, Col D'Etat said that it had significantly increased morale, adding that as a result, the old regimental associations with specific regions that helped recruiting and instilled a sense of regimental pride and history would now be safeguarded. "You can't put a price on these things," he said, "for instance, look at the motto of my regiment, the Royston Vasey Rifles, 'A Local Regiment For Local People; Are You Local At All?' it says it all, really; what we stand for, what we fight for."