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Honest doctor, she fell down the stairs.

I think I've come up with a way to solve all the country's ills in one fell swoop. Nuke all cup finals.

NHS bill? Slashed as chronic illness related to alcohol abuse and obesity disappear and A&E departments go back to treating accidents and emergencies instead of self-inflicted stupidity.

Policing budget? No more soccer violence or domestic abuse. Petty theft, shoplifting, public order offences and all-round anti-social idiocy vanish overnight.

Benefits payments reduced to spare change levels as Man U and Everton fans transform into brief plasma-flares. Of course, if we ever want to target all Scousers and Mancs then we'll need to roll the programme out beyond finals :wink: .

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