I think I've come up with a way to solve all the country's ills in one fell swoop. Nuke all cup finals.
NHS bill? Slashed as chronic illness related to alcohol abuse and obesity disappear and A&E departments go back to treating accidents and emergencies instead of self-inflicted stupidity.
Policing budget? No more soccer violence or domestic abuse. Petty theft, shoplifting, public order offences and all-round anti-social idiocy vanish overnight.
Benefits payments reduced to spare change levels as Man U and Everton fans transform into brief plasma-flares. Of course, if we ever want to target all Scousers and Mancs then we'll need to roll the programme out beyond finals .