Home alone.

By dint of bad fortune, my sweet darling wife and my two cherished little Awolings have disappeared off to Wales for the weekend to see relatives. Obviously, like many men who have found themselves in a similar situation, I am tussling with an inner conflict worthy of the great thinkers of our time. Therefore I'm handing the problem over to you lot (who are of course, the great thinkers of our time), in the hope that you can help me.

Obviously, a grown man, alone with just alcohol, the internet, a glossy, yet poorly printed leaflet for some sort of telephone service featuring a nice lady called Liudvika and my wife's three sister's mobile numbers scribbled on a scrap of paper could very easily get bored. However I'm absolutely determined that won't happen to me, and the way I see it I have a couple of options.

THe first option is this .... they return Sunday afternoon, so I have nearly two days to play with. If I have an early night tonight I can be up early to dust the house, strip all the beds, tidy the kid's rooms, hoover everywhere and if I get time, clean all the windows, inside and out. If I can manage all that, it just leaves me time on Sunday morning to nip to Sainsbury's and buy lots of lovely fresh flowers to place around the house. Hard work of course, but worth it to see the joy spread across my darling wife's face when she returns home.

My other option is .... to only clean one side of the windows.

Do you think she would notice?

All advice appreciated.

 

Hose down both sides of windows, spend rest of time down the pub, blame a burst water pipe and claim on the insurance

 

Toga Party?????????????

 

Shit, it's the wife.

And her sisters.

PS is that site safe Jarrod? Actually I don't know why I'm asking, it's waaaaaaaaaaay to late now...

 

Edited for you mate

 

House work? What the hell is your missus doing all day? Sod the housework and wank yourself silly.

house work or bouncing yourself round the house. There is no comparison.

 

Cheers, have the loss adjusters been yet

 

Fcuk the housework!

You could always try adultwork.com, or casual relationships on gumtree!

 

I've decided to pleasure myself in every single room over the next 48 hours. A two dimensional Amber Heard (see below) has helped me tick off the kitchen and the utility room, but I'm bored with her now. While I'm recharging my ....er... batteries, can anyone suggest a playmate for the big one, the living room?

 

If you hurry, you've just got time to catch the last flight to Amsterdam.

Then you could spend tomorrow jotting down the tail numbers of all the aircraft coming into the airport.

 

I feel your first mistake may lie in the above statement? But its too late for regrets. Right. To business.

Purchase an eight of Ching, four tabs of window pane acid, two bottles of Jack and an eight of Skunk. Oh, and a couple of Pot Noodles. And a tin of Pledge.

This will keep you from the lure of blondes of loose morals, and the abuse of your right hand, which are mortal sins according to the vicar. And you wouldnt want that.

Half an hour before the Welsh bird and your weans turn up, spray the living room with Pledge and announce that you have done the housework.

Cue welcoming hugs for lovely Daddy who loves us and has missed us and has made our home smell nice and spent his time polishing our lovely home.

You will have at least 10 minutes basking in the adoration of your family, which is plenty of time to come up with a convincing explianation as to why the cat has been crucified upside down on the bathroom door with several Sylvian Families characters jammed up its arrsehole.

 

Fcuk that. Its rubbish. Xtube's better.

 

Xtube was down for a while, it seems to have recovered and has bounced back from its break.

Alternatives:

Yuvutu for amateur content and for full length movies you might like to try youjizz.