My Pals in the Barrack block have threatened me with a Regimental Bath.... You see I have this embarasing problem when I poop, it stinks so bad it makes even me puke. When I go down to the NAAFI Bar they refuse to serve me any drink until I have wiped my backside properly... so they say. I also have this other problem, I suffer from extreme Betty Swallox Syndrome, and that too stinks very bad, and smells like rotting fish.
I have asked my Company HauptFeldfebel what a Regimental bath was.... he told me to be patient, and Lads would explain it to me one evening. I think that I am now so depressed, as nobody will speak to me when I go for meals in the Cookhouse. The Cook Fedfebel has ordered me to sit outside the back door when I eat my scoff as he says that my botty-burps and sweaty Lads Bits are making people puke up in the main cookhouse dining area, and that I am a disgrace to humanity.
I am at my wits end..... as I found my bed, bedding and personal belongings outside in the Wheelie Bin area of the accommodation block yet again this evening (that's the 20th time this month alone)
Please can you advise me what I should now do next?
Yours with expectations
Soldat Dritte Classe, 24 Fotze Und Arsch Battalione