Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Vacuumhead, Jun 30, 2009.

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  1. Hey Arrsers,
    Been lurking around for a bit and while you've managed to help me get rid of the 2.5 stone tire and pass selection but I haven't found a solution to my problem. :(

    Can you guys give me pointers on how to be great in bed, or at least not terrible? Unfortunately for me in my 20 something life ive somehow managed to hold onto my virginity no matter how hard tired to give it away, so I'm pretty sure I will blow my load after 20 or so seconds, What can I do??

    P.s She is 29, hot and for some reason wants to have some no strings attached fun. How do I not disappoint??
  2. Elastic band around the knackers
  3. Just shag it.
  4. Think of Anne Widdecombe while you're doing it. That should hold you back for a few minutes.
    Alternatively, think of Margaret Beckett, good for at least five minutes.
    Oh, and have a five finger massage about an hour before. Mind you, at 20, that shouldn't hold you too long.
  5. So blow your load after 20 seconds. It doesn't (or shouldn't) end there. At your age, you should be good for at least three shags per hour easily, with each one getting progressively longer and the Doris walking out on the morrow doing a credible impression of the John-Wayne-walk.

    Piece of piss, innit? :D :D :D

  6. Drink a lot of water. Once your bladder's swollen you'll have a great deal of difficulty firing your chaff regardless of how hard you try.

    And of course, slipping to the bog before things get too advanced for a quick one off the wrist.
  7. I can shag her, you can watch and blow your load in 20 seconds and all three of us will be happy :)
  8. who cares as long as you shoot your stinking love piss on her afterwards or even if you do it bareback and let it dribble out on her side of the bed then everything is dandy. If she says you are shit just tell everyone she gave you thrush the dirty mong minger that she probably is.
  9. As long as you shoot your load who gives a feck what she thinks? Just tell her was good for you!
  10. You could always hit her over the head with a wooden bat after 5 seconds and say she hit her head on the headboard. ;)

    Whilst she is unconscious shag like there is no tommorow. When she wakes up you will last either very long or not get any (that she knows of ;) )

    Either way its win win.

    Just dont think about what your doin when your shagging her. Quite often you will get arosed at the thought that your meat is parting the bun so to speak and will get all excited. Then your fucked. Just think about doing something different, make sure its not obvious to her thought otherwise she will think your a tard.


    or as above let us all have a ride on it and then you can jump in when she wont feel a thing anyway.
  11. Just get her to nosh you off, then bang one into her eyes.

    she'll be chopsing off about that too much to care how long you take on the old pokey pokey.
  12. Class, pure class... :wink:
  13. Steal a couple of your grandads Viagra
  14. Let Old Fat & Hairy shag her then you're bound to look good no matter what.

    (OF&H, t'is just a ruse to get you a shag OK? So don't take it personally)