Help with funnies required

#1
Need some help:

trying to think of some more of these funnies:

"He's a dark horse"
Who?
"Black Beauty?"


"He's leaving Friday"
Who?
"Robinson Crusoe"

I know there is LOADS more but cant remember them........
 
#2
Very out of date, but ............

"All that money and they live like pigs!"
"Who's that?"
"Pinky & Perky"
 
#3
He's a card
Who
The Jack of Clubs

Its a laugh
What is?
That noise you make when you hear something funny

There used to be little bits on the Young Ones with 2 blokes doing loads of them, might be worth a google. You could also google Tim Vine, awful puns are right up his alley.
 
#5
It's times like this that make me wish I'd listened to what my mother had told me....

What's that then?

I don't know, I wasn't listening.
 
#8
It makes me sick.

What?

Putting my fingers down my throat.


I just can understand it.

What?

Greek.
 
#9
This reminds me of that scene from Withnail and I...

What about what's-his-name?

What about him?
Why don't you give him a call?

What for?
Ask him about his house.

You want me to call what's-his-name
and ask him about his house?

Why not?
All right. What's his number?

I have no idea.
I've never met him.

Well, neither have I.
Who the **** are you talking about?


It's funnier if you've seen it!
 
#12
SIG_ICEMAN said:
Cheers lads can anyone else add any?
Hello is that Cork double 3 double 3,

No It's Cork 3, Treble 3.

Oh sorry wrong number,

That's ok the phone was ringing anyway.



:crash:
 
#13
It always gets me down!

Whats that?

A parachute!
 
#14
don't know his name but his face rings a bell.

who's that ?

quasimodo !!!!
 
#15
he's small for his size

who is

tom thumb.

ken dodd died last week

did he

no doddy

it makes me wonder

what does

altzheimers.

i wish i had enough money to buy an elephant

why would you want an elephant

I don't I just want the money
 
#19
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today. This bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't
do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside
my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo". He said, "You're closest".

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what
had happened. I said "I careered off the road".

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar". I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."


try them on for size.
 
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