Help with funnies required

Need some help:

trying to think of some more of these funnies:

"He's a dark horse"
"Black Beauty?"

"He's leaving Friday"
"Robinson Crusoe"

I know there is LOADS more but cant remember them........
Very out of date, but ............

"All that money and they live like pigs!"
"Who's that?"
"Pinky & Perky"
He's a card
The Jack of Clubs

Its a laugh
What is?
That noise you make when you hear something funny

There used to be little bits on the Young Ones with 2 blokes doing loads of them, might be worth a google. You could also google Tim Vine, awful puns are right up his alley.
It's times like this that make me wish I'd listened to what my mother had told me....

What's that then?

I don't know, I wasn't listening.
It makes me sick.


Putting my fingers down my throat.

I just can understand it.




War Hero
This reminds me of that scene from Withnail and I...

What about what's-his-name?

What about him?
Why don't you give him a call?

What for?
Ask him about his house.

You want me to call what's-his-name
and ask him about his house?

Why not?
All right. What's his number?

I have no idea.
I've never met him.

Well, neither have I.
Who the **** are you talking about?

It's funnier if you've seen it!
Cheers lads can anyone else add any?
Hello is that Cork double 3 double 3,

No It's Cork 3, Treble 3.

Oh sorry wrong number,

That's ok the phone was ringing anyway.

It always gets me down!

Whats that?

A parachute!
don't know his name but his face rings a bell.

who's that ?

quasimodo !!!!
he's small for his size

who is

tom thumb.

ken dodd died last week

did he

no doddy

it makes me wonder

what does


i wish i had enough money to buy an elephant

why would you want an elephant

I don't I just want the money
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today. This bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't
do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside
my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo". He said, "You're closest".

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what
had happened. I said "I careered off the road".

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar". I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."

try them on for size.

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