Help Urgently Needed!! Pleeeeeeeeeease!

#1
Hi,

I am thinking of joining the Army, and I need some advice.

I am currently running to get my fitness up to scratch, but I have been told by a friend that if I wear the correct boots, and carry and air-rifle at the same time it will help me get my BARB score UP, and my runtime DOWN. Is this true?

Any help appreciated, but don't bother replying to this as I'll only question your answer because I clearly know more than you do.
 
#2
smudge67 said:
Hi,

I am thinking of joining the Army, and I need some advice.

I am currently running to get my fitness up to scratch, but I have been told by a friend that if I wear the correct boots, and carry and air-rifle at the same time it will help me get my BARB score UP, and my runtime DOWN. Is this true?

Any help appreciated, but don't bother replying to this as I'll only question your answer because I clearly know more than you do.
Where the fuck were you wen I wonted to do joined up army?

Get within 40yrs of me man n you're a gonerr!!!

Dinny dress up as the back end of the panto horse or else i'm goner...

Ya cheeky c*nt ye!!! Nice one smudge67 nearly put me of ma vodka...

EDITED to kepe chav speek n that.....
 
#3
Top tips.
Remember to take your own trainers.Tell the Sargeant (he's the one shouting alot,but he has a heart of gold)that you have "fallen arches" he will let you off from all the running and marching sort of things.
Ask if you can get your gat right away.
Call everyone a Hat.This will mark you out as being "in the know",and will make you one of the lads right away.
In the restaurant(other new guys will call it the cookhouse,but you know better) ask for the vegetarian option.And know is the time to order your breakfast in bed.
Make sure you ask for a single room,with en-suite facilities.You will be told to sleep with all the other chaps in one big room.But if you ask the Sargeant three times for a single room,he is legally obliged to let you have one.
If you have to go out into the countryside to play with the others,and your gats and things,remember to ask where you are going so that you can book your room at the local Travelodge.
Finally,you will one day be a "leader of men" So remember to look after your own gear,don't share anything with anyone else,hide your sweets and cirarettes.This will mark you out as a good leader of men.
Good luck.
PS Tell everyone that "Private Golden is your hero".This is a code that means you will get to the front of any queue.
 
#4
smudge67 said:
Hi,

I am thinking of joining the Army, and I need some advice.

I am currently running to get my fitness up to scratch, but I have been told by a friend that if I wear the correct boots, and carry and air-rifle at the same time it will help me get my BARB score UP, and my runtime DOWN. Is this true?

Any help appreciated, but don't bother replying to this as I'll only question your answer because I clearly know more than you do.
Only if the air rifle is not a pre-charged and is cocked and loaded with a .22 wadcutter, with the safety on.

You may wish to buy some best boots before you go in.
 
#7
If ya wanna be nails forget the Paras... Go Rockape... Special Forces... Innit...
 
#8
As I recall from the ARRSE shoot, you'll need to get a few miles in Smudger, and also try to keep the JD down to one bottle a night !

;-)
 
#9
Iv bort my own Nives 4 basic and got da nu assalt vest coz my m8 hoo iz a tank driva in da AGC sed dey r betta dan da ishoo 1s
 
#10
Closet_Jibber said:
Iv bort my own Nives 4 basic and got da nu assalt vest coz my m8 hoo iz a tank driva in da AGC sed dey r betta dan da ishoo 1s
Feck me! I'm getting too old to even try to understand this crap. Whilst I appreciate that Mr CJ is not a "Yoof", he nevertheless is too proficient in the garbage they write.
 
#11
CQMS said:
Closet_Jibber said:
Iv bort my own Nives 4 basic and got da nu assalt vest coz my m8 hoo iz a tank driva in da AGC sed dey r betta dan da ishoo 1s
Feck me! I'm getting to old to even try to understand this crap. Whilst I appreciate that Mr CJ is not a "Yoof", he nevertheless is too proficient in the garbage they write.
It can normally be found on 60% of the letters I recieve in work these days, and thats just from the bosses :wink: .
 
#12
:D
vvaannmmaann said:
Top tips.
Remember to take your own trainers.Tell the Sargeant (he's the one shouting alot,but he has a heart of gold)that you have "fallen arches" he will let you off from all the running and marching sort of things.
Ask if you can get your gat right away.
Call everyone a Hat.This will mark you out as being "in the know",and will make you one of the lads right away.
In the restaurant(other new guys will call it the cookhouse,but you know better) ask for the vegetarian option.And know is the time to order your breakfast in bed.
Make sure you ask for a single room,with en-suite facilities.You will be told to sleep with all the other chaps in one big room.But if you ask the Sargeant three times for a single room,he is legally obliged to let you have one.
If you have to go out into the countryside to play with the others,and your gats and things,remember to ask where you are going so that you can book your room at the local Travelodge.
Finally,you will one day be a "leader of men" So remember to look after your own gear,don't share anything with anyone else,hide your sweets and cirarettes.This will mark you out as a good leader of men.
Good luck.
PS Tell everyone that "Private Golden is your hero".This is a code that means you will get to the front of any queue.
Just so you know, the above is the BEST way to get the crap beaten out of you. Do precisely the OPPOSITE of what they tell you on this site and you will be fine. Sorry to spoil the fun guys....
 
#13
I assume you are a walking Wah?
 
#14
gaylad24 said:
:D
vvaannmmaann said:
Top tips.
Remember to take your own trainers.Tell the Sargeant (he's the one shouting alot,but he has a heart of gold)that you have "fallen arches" he will let you off from all the running and marching sort of things.
Ask if you can get your gat right away.
Call everyone a Hat.This will mark you out as being "in the know",and will make you one of the lads right away.
In the restaurant(other new guys will call it the cookhouse,but you know better) ask for the vegetarian option.And know is the time to order your breakfast in bed.
Make sure you ask for a single room,with en-suite facilities.You will be told to sleep with all the other chaps in one big room.But if you ask the Sargeant three times for a single room,he is legally obliged to let you have one.
If you have to go out into the countryside to play with the others,and your gats and things,remember to ask where you are going so that you can book your room at the local Travelodge.
Finally,you will one day be a "leader of men" So remember to look after your own gear,don't share anything with anyone else,hide your sweets and cirarettes.This will mark you out as a good leader of men.
Good luck.
PS Tell everyone that "Private Golden is your hero".This is a code that means you will get to the front of any queue.
Just so you know, the above is the BEST way to get the crap beaten out of you. Do precisely the OPPOSITE of what they tell you on this site and you will be fine. Sorry to spoil the fun guys....
You are clearly a raving homosexual, everyone knows that the BEST way to get the crap kicked out of you is to stand in the middle of the parade square with your trousers around your ankles, bend over and invite the RSM to aid with your constipation.
 
#15
CQMS said:
gaylad24 said:
:D
vvaannmmaann said:
Top tips.
Remember to take your own trainers.Tell the Sargeant (he's the one shouting alot,but he has a heart of gold)that you have "fallen arches" he will let you off from all the running and marching sort of things.
Ask if you can get your gat right away.
Call everyone a Hat.This will mark you out as being "in the know",and will make you one of the lads right away.
In the restaurant(other new guys will call it the cookhouse,but you know better) ask for the vegetarian option.And know is the time to order your breakfast in bed.
Make sure you ask for a single room,with en-suite facilities.You will be told to sleep with all the other chaps in one big room.But if you ask the Sargeant three times for a single room,he is legally obliged to let you have one.
If you have to go out into the countryside to play with the others,and your gats and things,remember to ask where you are going so that you can book your room at the local Travelodge.
Finally,you will one day be a "leader of men" So remember to look after your own gear,don't share anything with anyone else,hide your sweets and cirarettes.This will mark you out as a good leader of men.
Good luck.
PS Tell everyone that "Private Golden is your hero".This is a code that means you will get to the front of any queue.
Just so you know, the above is the BEST way to get the crap beaten out of you. Do precisely the OPPOSITE of what they tell you on this site and you will be fine. Sorry to spoil the fun guys....
You are clearly a raving homosexual, everyone knows that the BEST way to get the crap kicked out of you is to stand in the middle of the parade square with your trousers around your ankles, bend over and invite the RSM to aid with your constipation.
I found that having a sh1t on the bonnet of the CO's car also works well.
 
#16
CQMS said:
You are clearly a raving homosexual, everyone knows that the BEST way to get the crap kicked out of you is to stand in the middle of the parade square with your trousers around your ankles, bend over and invite the RSM to aid with your constipation.
You are absolutely right! I take it back. However it is also the best way to end up being the camp fluffer - the blokes who play it hard arrses and give puffs abuse in front of others are usually the ones who want to be s^cked off at 3am. Of course it is all hush hush, lest the macho image be shattered!

Also if you want to reply to this then PM me because otherwise it will just end up changing the subject of the post and turning it into a gay related one... boring!
 
#17
gaylad24 said:
CQMS said:
You are clearly a raving homosexual, everyone knows that the BEST way to get the crap kicked out of you is to stand in the middle of the parade square with your trousers around your ankles, bend over and invite the RSM to aid with your constipation.
You are absolutely right! I take it back. However it is also the best way to end up being the camp fluffer - the blokes who play it hard arrses and give puffs abuse in front of others are usually the ones who want to be s^cked off at 3am. Of course it is all hush hush, lest the macho image be shattered!

Also if you want to reply to this then PM me because otherwise it will just end up changing the subject of the post and turning it into a gay related one... boring!
You're the one that brought gayness up you raving nonce.
 
#18
jarrod248 said:
I'll be happy being sucked off at any o'clock
Your gay and dont give other gays abuse! I'm talking about the str8/bi blokes!

Anyway back to the army post... Did someone edit his the original post to include 'don't reply as I'm too clever for it' as I think it wasn't there first time I read it... Of course I could have just missed it!
 
#19
gaylad24 said:
CQMS said:
You are clearly a raving homosexual, everyone knows that the BEST way to get the crap kicked out of you is to stand in the middle of the parade square with your trousers around your ankles, bend over and invite the RSM to aid with your constipation.
You are absolutely right! I take it back. However it is also the best way to end up being the camp fluffer - the blokes who play it hard arrses and give puffs abuse in front of others are usually the ones who want to be s^cked off at 3am. Of course it is all hush hush, lest the macho image be shattered!

Also if you want to reply to this then PM me because otherwise it will just end up changing the subject of the post and turning it into a gay related one... boring!
The British Army is an old institution, it's had in its ranks Poofs, queers, murderers, paedofiles, thuggers, buggers and rapi...surprise sexists. Some may wonder what the point of this post is....





..so do I.
 
#20
smudge67 said:
Hi,

I am thinking of joining the Army, and I need some advice.

I am currently running to get my fitness up to scratch, but I have been told by a friend that if I wear the correct boots, and carry and air-rifle at the same time it will help me get my BARB score UP, and my runtime DOWN. Is this true?

Any help appreciated, but don't bother replying to this as I'll only question your answer because I clearly know more than you do.
I always find that taking your face for a shite helps.
 

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