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help required please for a funeral reading

#1
Guys/Girls

I had some sad news yesterday that an uncle of mine....an ex air dispatcher had sadly passed away after a long illness.
I have been given the honour of giving a reading at the funeral and I was wondering if anyone can point me to an appropiate prayer or poem fitting for one old soldier to read for a fallen comrade at the service.....any help would be most appreciated.
 
#4
Hiya funeral and you in the pews
gather around I ave some bad news
Him in the box, on his way to heaven
as your all aware has rolled a seven

Don't front cry row, he was a crab and a runt
Beat on his wife, fcuked around the cnut
Put me on the spot to say a few words
So I filled the collection pot with malteser sized turd

When I pull this lever he's turned into dust
then turn to the widow in an outpouring of lust
Sorry for your loss, but he is now gone
So get on your knees and feast on my dong
Get your ass home get out of that black suit
leave on your stockings gonna plough your poop shoot
look up to the sky, on your penis she flutes
wink upstairs and give a cheesy salute.
Hubbys gone, speech done by his mucker
hit on the greiving with the intention to fcuk her

Amen
 
#5
Mighty_doh_nut said:
Hiya funeral and you in the pews
gather around I ave some bad news
Him in the box, on his way to heaven
as your all aware has rolled a seven

Don't front cry row, he was a crab and a runt
Beat on his wife, fcuked around the cnut
Put me on the spot to say a few words
So I filled the collection pot with malteser sized turd

When I pull this lever he's turned into dust
then turn to the widow in an outpouring of lust
Sorry for your loss, but he is now gone
So get on your knees and feast on my dong
Get your ass home get out of that black suit
leave on your stockings gonna plough your poop shoot
look up to the sky, on your penis she flutes
wink upstairs and give a cheesy salute.
Hubbys gone, speech done by his mucker
hit on the greiving with the intention to fcuk her

Amen
Moving mate, totally moving.

Got a lump.... :D
 
#7
Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way that you always used. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval,somewhere very near, just round the corner.

All is well.

-- Henry Scott Holland
 
#8
I always liked this one. Gives you permission to drink and scrap:

The Commando's Prayer

Give me, my God, what you still have;
give me what no one asks for.
I do not ask for wealth, nor success,
nor even health.

People ask you so often, God, for all that,
that you cannot have any left.
Give me, my God, what you still have.
Give me what people refuse to accept from you.
I want insecurity and disquietude;
I want turmoil and brawl.

And if you should give them to me,
my God, once and for all,
let me be sure to have them always,
for I will not always
have the courage to ask for them.


Corporal Zirnheld
Special Air Service
KIA 1942
 
#10
Here's some other good ol' Airborne prayers, certainly suitable for a loadie. There are some others the spetics are fond of but they maketh one gag.

I was at a funeral for an airbone loadie once. They 'dispatched him' into the hearse. Nicely done, no hang ups. Me? Just strap a container full of PE with a PD fuse to my legs and LAPES me out over a high value target, like Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove: 'yeeeeee hawwwww!'

Airborne Prayer
May the defence of the Most High be above and beneath, around and within us,
in our going out and in our coming in,
in our rising up and our going down,
all our days and all our nights,
until the dawn when the son of righteousness shall arise
with healing in his wings for the peoples of the World
through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.


Airborne Prayer
I was that which others did not want to be. I went where others feared to go. And did what others failed to do. I asked nothing from those who gave nothing, and reluctantly accepted the thought of eternal loneliness, should I fail. I have seen the face of terror, felt the cold sting of fear, and enjoyed the sweet taste of a moment of love. I have cried, pained and hoped, but most of all I have lived times others would say were best forgotten. At least someday I will be able to say I was proud of what I was!
An Airborne Soldier
 
#11
anubis99 said:
Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way that you always used. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval,somewhere very near, just round the corner.

All is well.

-- Henry Scott Holland


What utter utter sentimental sh*te. 'I have only slipped away into the next room' - bollox, you're dead. I am waiting for you...just around the corner' - no you are not. Greatest denial of the reality of death you will ever find. Get real folks.
 
#12
My Dad had this at his funeral..

High Flight by John Gillespie Magee, Jr

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds, --and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of --Wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air...
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark or even eagle flew --
And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.



or you could always sing this.....!

Electric Light Orchestra - Mr. Blue Sky

Sun is shinin' in the sky,
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin'
Everybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day.

Runnin' down the avenue,
See how the sun shines brightly
In the city on the streets
Where once was pity,
Mr. Blue Sky is living here today.

(Chorus:)
Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why,
You had to hide away
For so long where did we go wrong.

Hey there Mr. Blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do,
Everybody smiles at you.

Hey you with the pretty face,
Welcome to the human race
A celebration Mr. Blue Sky's
Up there waitin' and today
Is the day we've waited for

(Chorus)

Mr. Blue you did it right,
But soon comes Mr. Night,
Creepin' over, now his
Hand is on your shoulder,
Never mind I'll remember you this way.
 
#13
Mighty_doh_nut said:
Hiya funeral and you in the pews
gather around I ave some bad news
Him in the box, on his way to heaven
as your all aware has rolled a seven

Don't front cry row, he was a crab and a runt
Beat on his wife, fcuked around the cnut
Put me on the spot to say a few words
So I filled the collection pot with malteser sized turd

When I pull this lever he's turned into dust
then turn to the widow in an outpouring of lust
Sorry for your loss, but he is now gone
So get on your knees and feast on my dong
Get your ass home get out of that black suit
leave on your stockings gonna plough your poop shoot
look up to the sky, on your penis she flutes
wink upstairs and give a cheesy salute.
Hubbys gone, speech done by his mucker
hit on the greiving with the intention to fcuk her

Amen
This is class though.
 

Pararegtom

LE
Book Reviewer
#14
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.
 
#15
Pararegtom said:
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.
Saw D-Day Veteran Fred Wright say that live on the BBC earlier.

Excellent.

Tripod whens the interrment?
 
#16
skypilotuk said:
anubis99 said:
Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way that you always used. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval,somewhere very near, just round the corner.

All is well.

-- Henry Scott Holland


What utter utter sentimental sh*te. 'I have only slipped away into the next room' - bollox, you're dead. I am waiting for you...just around the corner' - no you are not. Greatest denial of the reality of death you will ever find. Get real folks.
Couldn't agree more was asked to read this at my grandmothers funeral by the family none of who actually knew the old dear particularly well, but I was in Germany while the arrangements were being made,

I did however manage to get a last minute change in the music my uncle wanted her to go through the curtain while some CD was wailing Danny Boy she Fecking hated the tune, always muttered something along the lines of fecking boggies every time she heard it .
 
#17
Pull out a guitar and go for 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life'.

Usually goes down a storm, everyone whistling away!!

Even better if you can nail a couple of close relatives up on crosses.
 

rampant

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#18
Or take amore realistic tone:

"The Biologist's Valediction to his Wife"

- Taken from Offcuts by Sherwin Stephens


Don't count on Heaven, or on Hell.
You're dead. That's it. Adieu. Farewell.
Eternity awaits? Oh, sure!
It's Putrefaction and Manure
And unrelenting Rot, Rot, Rot,
As you regress from Zoo. to Bot.
I'll Grieve, of course,
Departing wife,
Though Grieving's never
Lengthened Life
Or coaxed a single extra Breath
Out of a Body touched by Death.
 
#20
Gremlin said:
SlimeyToad said:
Even better if you can nail a couple of close relatives up on crosses.
The Christian version of chucking the wife onto the Funeral pyre???

I like the way that you are thinking!
Now that sounds interesting.

Do I have to be dead first to cash in on that one or can I take advantage of any funeral pyre?
 

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