help required please for a funeral reading

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by tripod, Jun 5, 2009.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Guys/Girls

    I had some sad news yesterday that an uncle of ex air dispatcher had sadly passed away after a long illness.
    I have been given the honour of giving a reading at the funeral and I was wondering if anyone can point me to an appropiate prayer or poem fitting for one old soldier to read for a fallen comrade at the service.....any help would be most appreciated.
  2. Hiya funeral and you in the pews
    gather around I ave some bad news
    Him in the box, on his way to heaven
    as your all aware has rolled a seven

    Don't front cry row, he was a crab and a runt
    Beat on his wife, fcuked around the cnut
    Put me on the spot to say a few words
    So I filled the collection pot with malteser sized turd

    When I pull this lever he's turned into dust
    then turn to the widow in an outpouring of lust
    Sorry for your loss, but he is now gone
    So get on your knees and feast on my dong
    Get your ass home get out of that black suit
    leave on your stockings gonna plough your poop shoot
    look up to the sky, on your penis she flutes
    wink upstairs and give a cheesy salute.
    Hubbys gone, speech done by his mucker
    hit on the greiving with the intention to fcuk her

  3. Moving mate, totally moving.

    Got a lump.... :D
  4. Just a small one...
  5. Death Is Nothing At All

    Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way that you always used. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.

    Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval,somewhere very near, just round the corner.

    All is well.

    -- Henry Scott Holland
  6. I always liked this one. Gives you permission to drink and scrap:

    The Commando's Prayer

    Give me, my God, what you still have;
    give me what no one asks for.
    I do not ask for wealth, nor success,
    nor even health.

    People ask you so often, God, for all that,
    that you cannot have any left.
    Give me, my God, what you still have.
    Give me what people refuse to accept from you.
    I want insecurity and disquietude;
    I want turmoil and brawl.

    And if you should give them to me,
    my God, once and for all,
    let me be sure to have them always,
    for I will not always
    have the courage to ask for them.

    Corporal Zirnheld
    Special Air Service
    KIA 1942
  7. I'll think about using that one.
    There may be another but i'll keep you in mind

  8. Here's some other good ol' Airborne prayers, certainly suitable for a loadie. There are some others the spetics are fond of but they maketh one gag.

    I was at a funeral for an airbone loadie once. They 'dispatched him' into the hearse. Nicely done, no hang ups. Me? Just strap a container full of PE with a PD fuse to my legs and LAPES me out over a high value target, like Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove: 'yeeeeee hawwwww!'

    Airborne Prayer
    May the defence of the Most High be above and beneath, around and within us,
    in our going out and in our coming in,
    in our rising up and our going down,
    all our days and all our nights,
    until the dawn when the son of righteousness shall arise
    with healing in his wings for the peoples of the World
    through Jesus Christ our Lord.

    Airborne Prayer
    I was that which others did not want to be. I went where others feared to go. And did what others failed to do. I asked nothing from those who gave nothing, and reluctantly accepted the thought of eternal loneliness, should I fail. I have seen the face of terror, felt the cold sting of fear, and enjoyed the sweet taste of a moment of love. I have cried, pained and hoped, but most of all I have lived times others would say were best forgotten. At least someday I will be able to say I was proud of what I was!
    An Airborne Soldier

  9. What utter utter sentimental sh*te. 'I have only slipped away into the next room' - bollox, you're dead. I am waiting for you...just around the corner' - no you are not. Greatest denial of the reality of death you will ever find. Get real folks.
  10. My Dad had this at his funeral..

    High Flight by John Gillespie Magee, Jr

    Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
    And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
    Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
    Of sun-split clouds, --and done a hundred things
    You have not dreamed of --Wheeled and soared and swung
    High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there
    I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
    My eager craft through footless halls of air...
    Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
    I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
    Where never lark or even eagle flew --
    And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod
    The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
    Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

    or you could always sing this.....!

    Electric Light Orchestra - Mr. Blue Sky

    Sun is shinin' in the sky,
    There ain't a cloud in sight
    It's stopped rainin'
    Everybody's in a play
    And don't you know
    It's a beautiful new day.

    Runnin' down the avenue,
    See how the sun shines brightly
    In the city on the streets
    Where once was pity,
    Mr. Blue Sky is living here today.

    Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why,
    You had to hide away
    For so long where did we go wrong.

    Hey there Mr. Blue
    We're so pleased to be with you
    Look around see what you do,
    Everybody smiles at you.

    Hey you with the pretty face,
    Welcome to the human race
    A celebration Mr. Blue Sky's
    Up there waitin' and today
    Is the day we've waited for


    Mr. Blue you did it right,
    But soon comes Mr. Night,
    Creepin' over, now his
    Hand is on your shoulder,
    Never mind I'll remember you this way.
  11. This is class though.
  12. Pararegtom

    Pararegtom LE Book Reviewer

    Do not stand at my grave and weep,
    I am not there, I do not sleep.
    I am in a thousand winds that blow,
    I am the softly falling snow.
    I am the gentle showers of rain,
    I am the fields of ripening grain.
    I am in the morning hush,
    I am in the graceful rush
    Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
    I am the starshine of the night.
    I am in the flowers that bloom,
    I am in a quiet room.
    I am in the birds that sing,
    I am in each lovely thing.
    Do not stand at my grave and cry,
    I am not there. I do not die.
  13. Saw D-Day Veteran Fred Wright say that live on the BBC earlier.


    Tripod whens the interrment?