Help Needed - Stitched Up By THe Police

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Markintime, Oct 13, 2008.

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  1. I can’t believe how the Police have stitched me up.

    I live on a fairly secluded estate and we have a local police station at the exit from the estate onto the main road. I was just driving off the estate, doing the required 10 miles per hour when, 50 yards in front of me, a young (25ish) chavette stepped off the curb to cross the road to the police station. Upon glancing up from her rather pert breasts I noticed she had ginger hair. Now I’m as good a citizen as the next man and to me my duty was clear. I floored the accelerator and tried to take her out before she got to the other side. Damn this old body and my slow reaction times, I missed her by a fag paper but did manage to swipe her arrse with the wing mirror.
    The next thing I’m surrounded by Old Bill as if I’m a criminal or something! I know I missed her but I did my best FFS!
    Now it turns out that this chav is police herself and was on her way to work, they said it was attempted murder of a police woman. Talk about an overreaction! I had to explain, as carefully as I could, because they really didn’t seem to follow me; I hadn’t committed any offence, she was a gwar chav and she walked in front of my car, what would any other upstanding member of the community have done? How was I supposed to know that the police had so slackened their standards that they’ll let gwars in? You’d think I’d get a community award or a County Sheriff’s Commendation; instead I get someone trying to ‘fit me up’. Well, if they find me guilty I wont be paying the fine (£5 I believe for a first offence) and I shan’t even bother to be ‘community minded’ again, the police and local authorities can do their own dirty work and when our streets are infested with gwars let it be on their own heads.

    Edited to add: I think this only applies to English Law and that EU Law in general is much more tolerant of gwar culling.
  2. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    You will be ok. If you didn't exceed the speed limit, were not eating a sweet or took your hand off the wheel to change gear, then there will be no interest in prosecuting you.
  3. Do a deal. Plead to Driving without due care and get them to drop attempted murder.
  4. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    I am afraid it's the way this country is going. Whilst in town the other day I noticed a few young white lads talking in the patoise of the West Indies. You know the type of thing "Is you takin da bitch to da club innit" "Yoh blood you aint dissin me is you or I is goin to pop some of dat lead in you sorry white ass, innit"

    I though they were having some sort of seizure, so I have them each tracheoctomy, so I case they swallowed their tongues and could breath.

    Now, according to the police, you can't use a machete.

    FFS you try and help people. :roll:
  5. I think that you'll find that Schedule III to the Road Traffic Offender's Act 1988 provides a statutory defence as follows -

    "No person may convicted of an offence under S.'s 1, 2 or 3 of the Road Traffic Act 1988 if they are able to show that a dilligent and expeditious effort was made to cull a gwar on the public highway (Or any other place to which the public have access upon payment or otherwise)


    if they are able to show that a failure to cull said gwar was purely due to a momentary lack of concentration or automatism"

    So just tell the beak that you tried your best but your concentration was disturbed by a large red ice-cream flavoured laboon...

    My invoice is in the post and I await your cheque by return.
  6. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    If you admit to having missed her because you lost concentration due to staring at her pert breasts, then you deserve to have the book thrown at you.

    You took your eyes off and lost concentration on the target at the same time as considering a gwar in a sexual (reproductive) manner.

    That is as follows:

    DD40 Dangerous driving - looking at gwar breasts, instead of aiming the vehicle.
    DD60 Lack of Manslaughter or culpable homicide while driving a vehicle.
    DD80 Not Causing death by dangerous driving
    CD10 Driving without due care and attention - should have been aiming the vehicle.
    CD20 Driving without reasonable consideration for other road users - leaving it to someone else to take her out.
    CD44 Aiding and abetting a crime.
    CD92 Failing to stop a crime.
    CD18 Distracted driving with malicious aforethought - thinking of a gwar in sexual terms.
  7. I'm not too sure your story is straight up, the evidence may suggest otherwise.!

  8. No no no, you misunderstand me. It was only when I looked up from her norks that I discovered she was a gwar. If I'd noticed the barnet first she'd be road kill by now and there is no way I'd have checked her norks out.
  9. Good drills
  10. You need to be sectioned, staring at a gwars breasts, thinking sexually about a gwar. Sorry but you are mentally ill. You need to be commited, hopefully the judge will see this and send you to the correct establishment.
  11. Bloody hell speedkuff, thanks for that very valuable and, I'm sure, inexpensive advice. Since this so called 'offence' took place in the Republic of East Yorkshire I'm sure you'll be more than happy to waive the fee as it was your streets I was attempting to rid of these pesky gwars.
  12. BrunoNoMedals

    BrunoNoMedals LE Reviewer

    Minor aside:

    Are different shades differentiated when it comes to gwarism? I mean, I'll bully a rotten ginger as much as the next sensible human, but does my soft spot for a dark-red, some might say flame-haired, beauty make me a deviant?
  13. Have you considered admitting the Automatism defence:

    Upon seeing a gwar would the man on a London Bus say that it was reasonable that ones sub conscious might take over control of his limbs and instruct them to drive the vehicle in a manner likely to cause it serious injury.

    Not only is she ginger but shes also a plod - You let her live? Shame on you!

    That said... You did mention pert breasts.

    You're an animal!

  14. Indubitably so. May I refer the learned gentleman to the Von-Schieren Scale, originally designed to measure the concentration of rodent urine in school dinners, now used to grade Gwas according to smell, the texture and colour of their hair, and density of freckles. See Annex A.