Help needed. Sick, and preferably painful ideas only please

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cherrypink, Jul 22, 2005.

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  1. How to destroy or completley peev off your neighbours in five easy steps.
    ten minutes ago, one of our neighbours knocks on our door.
    We have 2 Huskies and i have a GSD. I look after my dads dog whilst he is at work also. Our Husky pup has a habit of doing one when he gets the chance and after only just retrieving him on Friday after another 3 day jolly, he is now tethered.
    My bitch is in season and unfortunately accidents happen.
    We have an 8 foot wall round our garden and either side are tenemant blocks which look over our garden. Our dogs are not noisy, they dont bark and only ever seem to make a noise come tea time or when playing.
    We have just had to seperate my bitch and his oldest Husky, she so kindly came into season just as the neighbours happened to be having yet another moment of standing on the stairs gaping into our property.
    So, que 1 gobby little madam at my front door screaming about how we are going to have to do something about our dogs. Granted it was'nt very pretty trying to seperate them but, for fcuks sake, they are in our garden, causing no harm to anyone, they are enclosed and if it was so harrowing to witness 2 dogs humping why the fcuk stand and watch??.
    Top floor of the block is lived in by Granny Gobby, lower section is Mummy Gobby and Miss Gobby's kid. She only pops by because her kid lives with the grandmother.
    Really fcuked off by this all, our dogs are working animals, we own our property and our dogs are secured in crates at night. Our dogs are well looked after but according to her its unfair to have them in the garden???.
    So, answers as to how i can seriously see them off, as sitting here typing this is the only thing stopping me from going next door and pulling her fcuking head off.
  2. Do you want (A) an amusing answer, (B) a by-the-book answer re. the law or (C) some honest advice from someone who's dealt with literally fcuking hundreds of similar civil disputes?

    I'll happily provide any of them.

  3. Go round their gaff at 3AM, take a bag of cement.

    Empty aforementioned bag into their drains.

    It will set solid, they cant prove it was you and it costs a fortune to repair.

  4. Now that's cruel. Anyway, my advice is have the dogs put down. Problem solved.
  5. Just so fucking angry. We race for SDAS and SDAGB. Its not as though we have just gone out and filled our garden with dogs!. They are kept clean and any mess they make is quickly cleaned up. Grips my sh1t that people who have nothing better to do than sit around drinking cider all day deciding whether or not they want another tattoo decide to start bumping their gums. The local newspaper ran an article on our dogs last week as we are looking pretty good to go in the upcoming season they would like to feature us. Jealousy springs to mind, have already suffered a load of verbal for parking a little too far past my front door!!. Would send him round but im afraid she would wipe the floor with him!. Had a friendly visit from the local SSPCA ref them today aswell, left after 5 minutes saying it was totally pointless being here. Reckon it was them next door also. Why do people like these feel the need to be such w@nkers?.
  6. If they have Yale locks, a quick squirt of lock-tite is both simple and amusing.

    Also works on windows, cars, car windows,.....
  7. Good answer, would be fcuking hilarious to see them staggering out shaking from alkyhol withdrawal
  8. Mate all i can suggest is grin at them , smile at them , send then birthday cards ,offer to cut there grass . Those sort of people always win . Bet if you tried the slightest thing you would get caught ''red handed'' sods law . So just try your hardest not too let them bother you . If you cannot help your self order take away pizzas for them , they may be hungry , or taxis perhaps , double glazing salesmen . Then just petrol bomb there shed .
  9. Any chance that if you give me the option of C you wont be obliged to force the option of B??
  10. The problem with civil disputes between neighbours is that they escalate and get pettier and pettier.

    Now, as far as I can work out from your posts, you've done nothing wrong and your neighbours can moan as much as they like about your dogs, it won't change a thing.

    Saying that, recce_cpl actually has a point. Fostering good relations with your neighbours has a number of advantages:

    (A) You get one over on them (they ain't expecting it)

    (B) You might actually get them to fcuk off and leave you alone

    (C) If your dispute does eventually go to law then you look good and they don't...this is very important in civil cases.

    Your dispute looks like it might get worse before it gets better. Keep a diary of events, just quick written contempraneous notes of what's happening. Note how you've tried to compromise with your neighbours, and how well-behaved your dogs are and how even the RSPCA commented on what good owners you are.

    It is very, very difficult when faced with horrible, unreasonable people to square up to them and, frankly, be better people than them by playing the nice guy. But trust me (I've seen this many times) adopting the behaviour I describe will nine times out of ten see you come out on top in any dispute. Then you can wink at the fcukers over the fence and they'll see the error of their ways.

    If you think the RSPCA call out was malicious (and RSPCA are a law enforcement agency) then contact your local Citizen's Advice. The CA bureaux are stars, the lot of 'em. a treasure trove of free advice that is woefully under-used.

    So, in conclusion:

    1. It's a marathon, not a sprint

    - and -

    2. Revenge is a dish best served cold


  11. Top man. Of course its only right to take the high ground, now take off the hat and tell me how to kill the Granny through her letter box!!!
  12. fix bayonets!
  13. I had a neighbour very similiar to yours once Cherry. Although I can see the merits in Recce's suggestion of being nice to them, I find it difficult. They invite themselves around on the pretext of getting to know you and welcoming you to the neighborhood and then spend the time in your house imprinting your posessions, choice of wall colour etc onto their brains so that they can go back home later and bitch about you. 'Oh, did you SEE the bathroom!'. I do not give a flying fück what someone else has in their home or who they are. If they are happy then that is good. I'd much rather meet someone down the pub, have a laugh and then find out he lives two doors down from me rather than impose on him in his home just because we're neighbours... I did have an arrsehole neighbour once though, always peering over the fence and asking information-gathering questions while he tended to his perfect, probably award-winning garden. I tried being pleasant but I couldn't stand the twät. As it happened, I had been trying to trap a mole which that had been steadily turning my garden into Paschendaele. I'd tried acetylene crystals and water but was just getting laughed at so in the end I got a trap. Mr mole walked into it during the first night. Initially I was elated but eventually realised that I'd put no thought into what I was going to do with him if I ever caught him. One look over the fence and I had my answer. My arrsehole neighbour was on holiday (caravan obviously...) so I did a dawn raid on his lawn. I dug a small hole, freed the mole at the entrance and piled the earth on top of him. I jumped back into my garden and watched for half an hour expecting Mr Mole to dig himself out but was well chuffed when he decided he liked his new home :) He carried on the good work over the next days and when caravan-boy got back I was able to enjoy commiserating with him about his deservedly wrecked lawn :twisted:
  14. Cherrypink, I'm not surprised your neighbours were outraged!

    In this day and age, exposing them to a display of blatant heterosexuality can only be deplored.

    Make amends immediately by purchasing a pair of young (preferably black) male labradors. In my experience they are refreshingly open-minded mutts and have the virtue of being non-sexist and frequently non-speciest. By re-establishing your credentials as a politically correct dog owner you're bound to make amends. 8)
  15. Ask Biscuits_Brown about his action plan for retribution for chav behaviour.

    PS ask him about his balaclava! :D