Right, I've decided I'm gonna be a benefit scrounger. I've been thinking about this career change since my sister rocked up last month in their brand new people carrier, oops sorry I mean disability car. Initially this will entail having a car 'accident' and going sick on full pay for 6 months with a dodgy back and a bad bump on the head. After I've been laid off work I will of course be able to claim the usual benefits as I'll be able to register as disabled, so thats a small income and a car sorted. Now the key to this isn't what they pay you, its what you don't have to pay that matters. So, no council tax, car tax, car insurance, car repairs, Kids school meals, wifes college fees, free glasses, free prescriptions.....sorted. Now, the income's not bad and will enable me to sit in my front garden drinking fosters most days but, as the saying goes, every little helps. So, to help me up my income I've been chatting with my neighbour who happens to be the local (council) councillor looking for some ideas on what else I can claim and so far he's come up with: Carers allowance - The wife can be registered as my carer and get paid for it. Mattress allowance - Claim the kids wet the bed and the council will pay for new mattress' for them - every 6 months. Carers allowance 2 - Claim one of the kids is mildly autistic and I can get carers allowance for looking after them as well. Alcoholics allowance - I can probably claim this quite legitimately actually. Computer allowance - Claim a kid is dyslexic and I'm allowed a allowance to purchase a laptop for them. He also mentioned various local charities that will happily equip my house with furniture and white goods when they require replacement and of course as of this week I can get my house insulated for free. Thats all pretty good but surely there must be other allowances, benefits (or things I don't have to pay for) that a poor cripple such as myself can claim to ease my suffering and keep me in the quantity of alcohol that I've become accustomed to. Any ideas?