Help needed claiming benefits

Right, I've decided I'm gonna be a benefit scrounger.

I've been thinking about this career change since my sister rocked up last month in their brand new people carrier, oops sorry I mean disability car.

Initially this will entail having a car 'accident' and going sick on full pay for 6 months with a dodgy back and a bad bump on the head.

After I've been laid off work I will of course be able to claim the usual benefits as I'll be able to register as disabled, so thats a small income and a car sorted.

Now the key to this isn't what they pay you, its what you don't have to pay that matters. So, no council tax, car tax, car insurance, car repairs, Kids school meals, wifes college fees, free glasses, free prescriptions.....sorted.

Now, the income's not bad and will enable me to sit in my front garden drinking fosters most days but, as the saying goes, every little helps. So, to help me up my income I've been chatting with my neighbour who happens to be the local (council) councillor looking for some ideas on what else I can claim and so far he's come up with:

Carers allowance - The wife can be registered as my carer and get paid for it.
Mattress allowance - Claim the kids wet the bed and the council will pay for new mattress' for them - every 6 months.
Carers allowance 2 - Claim one of the kids is mildly autistic and I can get carers allowance for looking after them as well.
Alcoholics allowance - I can probably claim this quite legitimately actually.
Computer allowance - Claim a kid is dyslexic and I'm allowed a allowance to purchase a laptop for them.

He also mentioned various local charities that will happily equip my house with furniture and white goods when they require replacement and of course as of this week I can get my house insulated for free.

Thats all pretty good but surely there must be other allowances, benefits (or things I don't have to pay for) that a poor cripple such as myself can claim to ease my suffering and keep me in the quantity of alcohol that I've become accustomed to.

Any ideas?

 

Thats you caught out straight away, no such thing as registered disabled these days

 

Bugger, whats it called when your too sick (or idle) to work then?

 

too sick (or idle) to work

 

Your wife's gonna have to pay for her own college still as well. Plus your glasses won't be free until you're 60 and you'll still have to contribute for prescriptions. DLA only works out for about £80 a week, that goes down to £40 if you want a car, and you'll still have to buy that for a reduced lump sum initially. Then every 3 years you'll have to change it, or buy it off the Government for it's market value. Carer's allowance is a pittance, plus you need to prove that you've got someone that needs caring for. Council tax isn't paid for either, and job seekers allowance is soon to be issued only the premise that you're actually seeking work. Sorry mate, you're better off staying in work.

 

Your not cheering me up here.

How come other bods on the wifes councilling course paid £50 when we shelled out £750 then?

And what happened to 'Minimum household income' I've heard about?

Reduced lump sum? For a car thats not mine? confused.....I'll google it.

 

Fcuk knows, circumstances are different for everyone innit. Minimum Household Income is just a phrase really, benefits are silly because they're all judged on each other. You can't have A if you're receiving B, you can only have C if you've received D and E for more than x amount of time etc etc. There should be a simple system of if you're in these circumstances, this is what you get, but that's an issue of politicians, and since none of them have ever received benefits, they don't know a thing about how to fix them.

 

you could have an accedent at work instead of a car smash?

Im sure it wont be too difficult to injure yourself and claim it was the bosses fault, you must have seen the ads?

"I was given the wrong type of ladder and fell of it because i have common sense figures 0, now with the help of shaftyour, boss and co i got a huge cash payment!"

 

Its a thought but this is a lifetime commitment I'm going for here, will they pay enough to last a lifetime?......doubtful.

 

Join the army, get shot at basic, receive compensation and a pension.

 

You will, of course, need to have a fall back plan for when I'm made Emperor of Everything and all you pseudo-sickies get my 'New Deal', courtesy of Mr 7.62?

Good luck while it lasts. At least you can rest assured the you'll be with your sister and her family in the limepit.

 

Useless, bloody useless the lot of you.

I obviously need to find a website were the clientelle consists of dole scroungers and chavs, any ideas?

 

You could try here? Can't help but find the name a touch ironic these days.

 

Tried here?

 

Hey! I resemble that.