help me write my speech

I'm getting married at the weekend and i need to write my speech any ideas ?
Just say you're a bone idle cunt with no vision and therefore haven't bothered with a speech.
Claim illiteracy, get on the piss and chunder on the MIL.
"I had hoped to be here today but...."

There. That's got you started.
Thank you all for coming, I know there is probably something more exciting on the TV but it will be repeated, probably when I get married again.

This speech is a bit like oral sex, one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

People may think we are snobby as we are getting married and the bride is not pregnant, but god knows I boned enough. My cock was glowing like a glowstick.

Well it's love, and she tells me I am one in a million, I don't think shes had quite that many as it's a small village. That's how I knew she would eventually go out with me.
"some people said we wouldn't last but who else would have her? She's been round the block more times than a tramps dog"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to make a short speech about sex. It gives me great pleasure."


Book Reviewer
It's great to see you all here because I know you're not all there.

I'm excited as this is the first time I get to go to bed with a mother in law.

Was it just me or did the vicar offer a few too many prayers for us?

I've never seen my wife smile so much but then again, why should she ever have to go down on me again?

Words fail me...

(You did ask in the NAAFI...)
Top tips:

Make sure you're pissed / swaying slurring speech

Thank the in laws for breeding the best shag you've ever had

Get your best man to give the bride marks out of ten for giving head

Make reference to the stripper you gang banged bareback on your stag do

Mention that, as of now, you will be featured as a couple on the 'Swinging Heaven' website

Vomit / crap yourself / fall over

Job done, you will never see the in-laws again

Edited to add: mind you JR III idea is pretty sound as well
Mention how good a fuck the chief bridesmaid was you enjoyed anally rimming her bleached hoop last night and the fact that your mother in law sucks dead dog dicks because live ones wouldnt let her.

Drink ten pints of absinthe and shat your pants on dancefloor proir to the romantic dance.

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