Help! Im off to an Art Showing.....

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by LordVonHarley, Jul 5, 2008.

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  1. Help! I'm off to an Art Showing this evening and need buzzwords and poncy stuff to say when I'm cornered by Art Critiques and annoying c0cks.


    So far I have "What is the Artist TRYING to say!" while waving my arms about.

    and

    "I can sense the artist deep sexual confusion in his art work"

    I'll be getting skwiffy on the free wine so will be in the mood to insult Lefties.
     
  2. Try "does my bum look big in this?".
     
  3. "You'd pay how much for this sh*te!!!????"

    or

    "You got a grant of £wxyz for this!!?? Who did you suck off to get that??"
     
  4. Who is showing? and it never hurts to bounce the question back ala...."I can sense the artist's deep sexual confusion in his art work do you not find it evokes the same feelings of desires to explore and engage with the negative space of conceptualised media?"

    Only use 'what is the artist trying to say!' as a statement not a question works perfectly as a flanking move to wrong foot them so you can then make so riduclous pronoucement on the UNDER [insert delete] OVER use of NEW [insert delete] OLD media.

    Always turn and walk off as there in mid answer too always gets them all hot and bothered.
     
  5. 'I prefer his/her earlier work.'
     
  6. Don't you think it displays man's/mankinds/personkind inner struggle within him/her/itself?

    Can you feel the heat and passion the artist obviously feels about his subject that pours out with every brush stroke?

    Make it a question and you can't be wrong, though that does mean that the others will be invited to speak to you. Pretend that something is blazingly obvious and see if anyone dares to contradict you. Its amazing how far you can take this, be outrageous. (Doesn't work if the artist is there though)
     
  7. He/she has become too commercial now.. (sniff and walk away)
     
  8. You and i could so get banned from art galleries... :twisted: i really must have you come to my next catwalk show... :wink:
     
  9. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Try

    "Are you sure that is the right way up?"
     
  10. What do you mean 'could'? err, not that I've ever been to, or been banned from, The Sharon Wilson art Gallery in Southampton
     
  11. 'He/she didn't quite colour in all the numbers on this one.'
     
  12. Getting banned from southampton is considered a good thing...
     
  13. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes

    "That would be an ecumenical matter"

    Should just about cover all eventualities.
     
  14. That's Good, very good! You've done this before?

    I think the showing is by Post Grad Art Students. I got invited to one a few years ago in London and spent most of the evening drinking free wine, perving on students and trying to work out how the feck a scribble on a bit of sugar paper is "Art".
     
  15. Try this........."Hmmm! Yes!, I can see where is the Artists sense of cosmic awareness matches his concept of spatial density, you can see from the sheer angles of his application of perspective is indicating his total involvement with his subject Blah Blah Blah................Hic! Uuurrrg!"