Help! Im off to an Art Showing.....

#1
Help! I'm off to an Art Showing this evening and need buzzwords and poncy stuff to say when I'm cornered by Art Critiques and annoying c0cks.


So far I have "What is the Artist TRYING to say!" while waving my arms about.

and

"I can sense the artist deep sexual confusion in his art work"

I'll be getting skwiffy on the free wine so will be in the mood to insult Lefties.
 
#2
LordVonHarley said:
Help! I'm off to an Art Showing this evening and need buzzwords and poncy stuff to say when I'm cornered by Art Critiques and annoying c0cks.


So far I have "What is the Artist TRYING to say!" while waving my arms about.

and

"I can sense the artist deep sexual confusion in his art work"

I'll be getting skwiffy on the free wine so will be in the mood to insult Lefties.
Try "does my bum look big in this?".
 
#3
"You'd pay how much for this sh*te!!!????"

or

"You got a grant of £wxyz for this!!?? Who did you suck off to get that??"
 
#4
Who is showing? and it never hurts to bounce the question back ala...."I can sense the artist's deep sexual confusion in his art work do you not find it evokes the same feelings of desires to explore and engage with the negative space of conceptualised media?"

Only use 'what is the artist trying to say!' as a statement not a question works perfectly as a flanking move to wrong foot them so you can then make so riduclous pronoucement on the UNDER [insert delete] OVER use of NEW [insert delete] OLD media.

Always turn and walk off as there in mid answer too always gets them all hot and bothered.
 
#5
'I prefer his/her earlier work.'
 
#6
Don't you think it displays man's/mankinds/personkind inner struggle within him/her/itself?

Can you feel the heat and passion the artist obviously feels about his subject that pours out with every brush stroke?

Make it a question and you can't be wrong, though that does mean that the others will be invited to speak to you. Pretend that something is blazingly obvious and see if anyone dares to contradict you. Its amazing how far you can take this, be outrageous. (Doesn't work if the artist is there though)
 
#7
brownhat said:
'I prefer his/her earlier work.'
He/she has become too commercial now.. (sniff and walk away)
 
#8
theoriginalphantom said:
brownhat said:
'I prefer his/her earlier work.'
He/she has become too commercial now.. (sniff and walk away)
You and i could so get banned from art galleries... :twisted: i really must have you come to my next catwalk show... :wink:
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#9
Try

"Are you sure that is the right way up?"
 
#10
halo_jones said:
theoriginalphantom said:
brownhat said:
'I prefer his/her earlier work.'
He/she has become too commercial now.. (sniff and walk away)
You and i could so get banned from art galleries... :twisted: i really must have you come to my next catwalk show... :wink:
What do you mean 'could'? err, not that I've ever been to, or been banned from, The Sharon Wilson art Gallery in Southampton
 
#11
'He/she didn't quite colour in all the numbers on this one.'
 
#12
theoriginalphantom said:
halo_jones said:
theoriginalphantom said:
brownhat said:
'I prefer his/her earlier work.'
He/she has become too commercial now.. (sniff and walk away)
You and i could so get banned from art galleries... :twisted: i really must have you come to my next catwalk show... :wink:
What do you mean 'could'? err, not that I've ever been to, or been banned from, The Sharon Wilson art Gallery in Southampton
Getting banned from southampton is considered a good thing...
 

Sixty

ADC
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#13
"That would be an ecumenical matter"

Should just about cover all eventualities.
 
#14
halo_jones said:
Who is showing? and it never hurts to bounce the question back ala...."I can sense the artist's deep sexual confusion in his art work do you not find it evokes the same feelings of desires to explore and engage with the negative space of conceptualised media?"

Only use 'what is the artist trying to say!' as a statement not a question works perfectly as a flanking move to wrong foot them so you can then make so riduclous pronoucement on the UNDER [insert delete] OVER use of NEW [insert delete] OLD media.

Always turn and walk off as there in mid answer too always gets them all hot and bothered.
That's Good, very good! You've done this before?

I think the showing is by Post Grad Art Students. I got invited to one a few years ago in London and spent most of the evening drinking free wine, perving on students and trying to work out how the feck a scribble on a bit of sugar paper is "Art".
 
#15
Try this........."Hmmm! Yes!, I can see where is the Artists sense of cosmic awareness matches his concept of spatial density, you can see from the sheer angles of his application of perspective is indicating his total involvement with his subject Blah Blah Blah................Hic! Uuurrrg!"
 
#16
Why do you need buxxwords and fancy stuff to describe the paintings? Just tell them you know nowt about art and a 'I like that picture' or a 'it's fcuking shite' will more than suffice.

As a footnote, if it's one of them 'art' shows which aren't really 'art' but a collection of disembowelled animals and plaster paris casts of hard-ons then just get shiters on the free booze. Hopefully you may get the chance to put Tracey Emin in a necklock.

Saying that, I wouldn't mind putting a deposit in her money box.

 
#17
LordVonHarley said:
halo_jones said:
Who is showing? and it never hurts to bounce the question back ala...."I can sense the artist's deep sexual confusion in his art work do you not find it evokes the same feelings of desires to explore and engage with the negative space of conceptualised media?"

Only use 'what is the artist trying to say!' as a statement not a question works perfectly as a flanking move to wrong foot them so you can then make so riduclous pronoucement on the UNDER [insert delete] OVER use of NEW [insert delete] OLD media.

Always turn and walk off as there in mid answer too always gets them all hot and bothered.
That's Good, very good! You've done this before?

I think the showing is by Post Grad Art Students. I got invited to one a few years ago in London and spent most of the evening drinking free wine, perving on students and trying to work out how the feck a scribble on a bit of sugar paper is "Art".
yes i have once or twice...i have just finally graduated myself but refused to show or send my collection down the catwalk because apparently i am a petulant little cow :p
but

Graduate shows are always good for a perve and getting wankkered on cheap wine. :wink:
 
#19
I normally managed to blag tickets for the GSA Degree Show and it's an enormous pile of shite with the odd half-decent thing amidst. It's the photography, free beer and wine and the chance to mutter, "Christ, but standards are slipping!", in front of outraged parents and massed Gemmas/Felicities that keep me coming back.

Although one design idea that tickled me was an anti-mugging jacket. No armour, or anything - just a little tube of compressed air that inflated pouches in arms and chest to make you look like a brick-shithouse should you find yourself in a dodgy neighbourhood. That's the sort of mentality you're dealing with, here.

You could, if you were feeling nasty, spend some time eavesdropping to get a feel for the bitchfest that was inevitably going on in the class and comment, "Not as good as X" while reviewing Y's work within earshot of Y. Then wander on your way, whistling contentedly in the knowledge of a job well done.
 
#20
How about shouting (in a suitably outraged voice) "That's one of mine!" or something similar?
 

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