Help! Am I dying??

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by hallveg, May 15, 2012.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Yesterday I had the shites, and when I say shits I mean rancid evil shits, 2 episodes would have killed a civvie type shits that I had 6 of by 0800hrs. If you remember the scene from the start of Gladiator? Mix that with the bit on the beach on Pte Ryan, and that whole thing fell out of my gink, I swear to God/Allah (just in case) my arrse was begging for mercy.

    Then today, my guts have been making noises, weird loud gurgling noises, and when it does work its way out it, the smell, the smell is nothing short of evil, I had to pull over in the car to get out and away from my own smell (which I normally enjoy).

    Am I dying, I would ask a doctor only I'm far to hard for that.

    Also is it wrong that I did a pooh and got wrong of my Daughter? Fecking teenagers, like there shite smells of flowers?

    whats the worst smell you've made and did you secretly like it?
  2. As a result my rohnson is now in tatters, a bloody racid shadow of its former self.
  3. We don't care, you were fat anyway.
    • Like Like x 2
  4. You write like an early Shakespeare, so youthful and excited.
  5. You're dying in a theatrical sense, that's for sure.
  6. You have 6 months to live but they forgot to tell you 5 months ago...sorry
  7. Yes you are dying. Can I borrow a tenner?
  8. I have highlighted the specific areas of your little story that make you look like silly. For future reference, you see.
  9. No, you're fine. What size shoes do you take, by the way? Just asking, like.
    • Like Like x 1
  10. 1. Stop shitting in the car, the journey will be much more enjoyable.
    2. You enjoy the smell as it's very much the same as the smell of cock after it's vacated your arrse.
    3. There, their - they're not the same.

    The worst smell I last encountered was when I bought a car.........was it yours?

    Hope this helps ya big gayer
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Sorry. If you're trying to emulate the PG, The Bard Of Blackpool, you're falling so far short it makes you look like an attention-seeking 3-year-old ginger step-child.
  12. It's kind of a classic Arrse Naafi post in a way:

    "Last night after a vaaaast kebab, I had a shit that was soooo big, when it clunked on the floor like a 155, I picked it up in a sock and made a turd cosh and beat myself black and blue with it, cos I'm well' ard, me. What's the biggest shit you've ever done? And I don't mean pebble dash; I mean Mr Vestey's finest Rat Pack torpedoes, etc, etc."

    Trouble is, these posts are usually quite funny.
  13. I worry for your future, try some of this ,it wont cure you but it might tidy you up a bit.
    disclaimer...I have no medical training.
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Not my finest work then?
  15. Not quite.

    iambic pentameter would be good...

    "Last night I crimped a vast and rounded turd", etc, etc, along those lines. Very Shakespearean.

    Or you could go for something Wagnerian:

    SIEGFRIED ON PO: "Haaa! Brunhilde! Zu neuen taten, eine sheiser" (Screams and slips on floor)

    Or if you're into film you could try a Mike Leigh:

    "Fuck off you! I'm having a shit! (will that do Mike?)"

    Or if you're posh and enjoy Alan Bennett:

    TALKING TURTLEHEADS: "Mrs Wittering decided to go for what I would call a poo, just as I was about to pour the PG Tips. it was a bit unfortunate, because I had just taken the Bakewell Tart out of the oven, as Caesar once said to the centurion with the funny name."

    Your effort is poor.
    • Like Like x 2