Wow what a great post! I haven't laughed so much in ages!!!! You know. Spat all sorts of liquids over my keyboard and erupted in mad hysterical cries scaring off a couple of local kids. Was only an inch (honest only a teeny wheeny inch) away to tear off all my cloths due to humour induced burning itches. And the username you've chosen! It's just another f*cking classic! How do people come up with comical gold like that? You really put some effort into this.
Did you have to think long and hard before you pressed "submit"?