heath and safety for xmas

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by portlandbill, Dec 15, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Health, Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

    Conflict of Interest must also be considered/declared pursuant to determinants within the relevant Local Government Act

    1. Jingle Bells

    Dashing through the snow
    In a one horse open sleigh
    O'er the fields we go
    Laughing all the way .

    A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

    2. While Shepherds Watched

    While shepherds watched
    Their flocks by night
    All seated on the ground
    The angel of the Lord came down
    And glory shone around .

    The Shepherds Union has complained that it breaches Health and Safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

    Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around he / she must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

    3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
    Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows .

    You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities act, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

    4. We Three Kings
    We three Kings of Orient are
    Bearing gifts we traverse afar
    Field and fountain, moor and mountain
    Following yonder star .

    Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold', etc. - gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

    We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.

    5. Away in a Manger
    Away in a Manger
    No Crib for a bed.

    DHS should be immediately contacted as mangers are not suitable places of rest for newborn babies due to unsanitary conditions, sharing with animals, lack of proper ventilation and no access to running fresh water and heating. Therefore under no circumstances should a crib be put in a manger. A risk assessment should also be carried out before allowing animals to occupy said manger - are there tethering facilities, running water, and food receptacles. If not, the manger
    should not be used and the animals should be removed and housed elsewhere (but still not with the Baby Jesus).
     
  2. Fixed that for you :)

    :santa::giggle: