Heartless pet murderers

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  1. Lippy Murders dogs

    Aunty Stella Slays his childrens pets.

    Yesterday after a phone call to Cait I was left slightly disturbed and left in a state of wonder.

    She told me that her mother had called her last night and told her to sit down she had some bad news. Fearing the worst she preapred herself.

    Her life long companion (well ish...since she was a very little girl) A cat she had loved, cherished and cared for was found dead in next doors garden...a ginger Tomcat (called Gemma but thats a different story)

    Next door had reluctantly brought the pet back round to Caits mums to give the bad news, immediatly Caits mum was filled with dread at the thought of relaying the sad news to her daughter, whom she knew thought the world of Gemma.

    So in tears she called cait and told her......... I don't quite think she was ready for the response.

    Caits Mum : 'So sorry to give you the bad news sweetheart but Gemma was found curled up alseep in next door'
    Cait: 'Righto......... and?'
    Caits mum : 'I mean permanantley asleep, I'm so sorry she has died'
    Cait: Oh ok
    Caits mum: We are going to bury him at the bottom of the garden if you want to come over
    Cait: Nah fcuk that, I'm having my tea, put it out for the binmen
    Caits mum: ah............ er.............. weeps sob........ bye

    I called her heartless and mocked her to be told

    Cait: 'Thats nowt...... When I went to Florida I forgot to cater for the rabbit and budgie, when we came back the rabbit was dead and the budgie was stiff as a board in the bottom of its cage........ they went in a carrier bag in next doors rubbish.

    This all makes sense now......... there is clearly an evil streak running within her. Last week she heard my dog whilst on the phone and demanded I slap its snout or she would hold Sgt Slingsby to randsome and send him back to me in pieces........ reluctantly I swiped his chops and she fell about laughing.


    Saying that I've told her I have a spitting snake that needs choking and wrestling but alas nothing........ Maybe I was a little transparent in my description and eagerness to see it dealt with :D :D
  2. OldSnowy

    OldSnowy LE Moderator Book Reviewer

    Cait seems to have a sound attitude to pets and animals. Perhaps a vocation as Survival Instructor awaits her? Whenever we have Exercises involving killing your own fluffy bunny or scabby chicken for food, it's amazing the number that 'escape' from the soft soldiery :D
  3. What if her little one decides she wants a hamster............ Cait gets bored when finished work one day and tries to see how fast it can really spin in its wheel...... when it doesn't perform, its hamster- frog marched into the garden and walloped with a spade.... then lobbed over the fence. :D
  4. Alternatively she can see how fast it spins in a food blender.. :twisted:
  5. Im ashamed to admit the poor moggy did suffer a little before he left us for pastures new....

    I distinctly remember one occasion spraying him with deep heat, you could see the alarm in his eyes as it started to kick in then he went and made the mistake of licking it! :? :D

    Errm and then there was the time we tried to test the theory about cats always landing in their feet when falling from a height..... that wasnt an easy one to explain away to the vet..... :? :D

    If im to be condemned for my actions i intend to take as many others with me.......

  6. Did you strap a piece of buttered toast to its back?
  7. What's green but turns red at the flick of a switch?

    Frog in a liquidiser :twisted:
  8. If youre ever at a loose end in Batus I would recommend capturing a greedy gopher/prarie dog. Then find a discarded 155mm illum parachute, and some paracord, 50m or so should do the job and grab a roll of black nasty. Make sure you wear gloves though because the little fookers struggle and bite a fair bit

    So, having taped the paragopher to the parachute and paracord simply attach the other end of the cord securely to your rover and take him for a little drive at speed across the prairie and lo and behold up up and away he goes parascending and getting a fantastic view of his natural habitat

    He might suffer a heart attack as a result of the trauma but there are so many of them you can just discard him and grab another

  9. Apparently they explode nicely when hit with a 7.62mm FMJ :oops:
  10. In my defence.

    My other half had a Maltese terrier that she had since she was knee high to a leprechaun.

    It hated me... if I went near her it would growl and if left alone with me would wait until I left the room and had a spite dump or p1ss wherever it pleased..... it could also open the fridge and therefore contaminate everythign with licks and minging dog slavver.

    It was approaching christmas and the fridge was full of every kind of delight you can think of......... I went out and came back to find a dump in the hallway, a p1ss in the kitchen and one bite out of everything in the fridge......... I went fcking radio! I chased the little cnut round the house, I stubbed my toe on the end of the bed and banged my bonce on the door casing..... its card was marked, it had to die.

    I put it n the motor and went to the vets and said 'poor old dear is suffering and had a good innings etc but is passing blood and is incontinent etc, I sold him the deal and he agreed to put it to sleep......... I had the last laugh and got to hold her as he administered the fatal jab...... its final breath was taken as I grinned at it thinking 'That'll teach you to fcuk with me'

    I immediatly felt guilty and the dog I hated so much was limp and lifeless....

    I got home and panic set in.... it was 4.40 and the frau was home at five and I had a dead dog in my boot.

    I dug a hole at the bottom of the garden and picked the dog up..... as it was dead everything went loose and limp... it pissed and shat all over my top as I picked it up...... it was dropped from waist height into what was supposed to be its final resting place.

    I filled in the hole, ran inside got a shower and practised my 'giving bad news routine'

    I told her that I had come home to find Pearl choking and took her to the vets........ he couldn't do anything.... seeing her reaction I really was overcome with the most guilt I have ever ever felt. She was devastated.. she told me that she had it since she was ten etc etc etc

    Later that night we went to bed and quickly fell asleep, I awoke in the early hours to find her not there...... I went down stairs and she was at the patio window looking out over the garden with a tears in her eyes....

    I asked her what was the matter.... 'Pearl is out in the cold' came the response....'No matter, its dead' I replied.

    She had me dig the fcukign thing up and take it back to the vets to have it cremated.... £125 we got back a bock of ashes and a certificate...... I should have dumped it in a skip.

    Makes you wonder who really did have the last laugh.....
  11. The story continues.........

    A couple of years pass by and I had an old army pal over for a night on the lash....... we end up coming home and still a little thirsty.

    We waded into a crate of ale and did the grown up thing and got bollocky and drank stella through straws.

    Pearl.... was in one of those crappy chav wooden boxes (its ashes)and was at the back of the cupboard with my scotch etc...

    I found it and began to heckle the frau with it.... not amused she went up to bed calling me an insinsitive pig (if only she knew the truth)

    I don't remember this but I paid very very heavily the following morning.

    The Mrs reckons she came down stairs to find to coughing, giggling grown men, starkers, on hands and knees in the lounge snorting dog ashes through a straw......
  12. I am becoming more concerned about the sanity and general behaviour of cait. She is becoming almost a female version of MDN (allbeit with hair, a body mass less than a battleship and no sign of 'hygiene problems').

    Feckin hell, it must have been the worlds oldest cat!!! Was it about 37 when it pegged it??
  13. The chav box of burnt doggy bits :D

    Attached Files:

  14. I think your all horrid and I am going to scream and tantrum until you stop these accusations forthwith.
    BTW if anyone needs a dog sitter........... :lol:
  15. BATUS 1985, stuck in a broken down panzer (nothing new there then) young sapper giggles as he wraps a chunk of 808 up in bread, wires it up outside a gopher hole and frags the poor bleeder during its free snack, bit of a sickener but it did break the boredom.