He shoots...he scores!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cuddles, Sep 7, 2006.

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  1. Last night, The Fenian Bride and I decided to give the credit card another pasting and went to a fancy restaurant in Bath. We were having a quite pleasant evening and my general grumpy state, which has been a right problem lately, was ebbing and I had almost declared the Alert State as "Quite Cheerful" rather than "Grumpy".

    However into every life a drop of rain must continue to fall and a couple occupied the table next to us. He, minor public school and something middle-importance in a not very important firm of accountants. She, mother of two...now where did I put them, oh yes boarding school - how will I fill my days?? By being a tw£t apparently.

    The waiter we shared with them was a very nice young man, who we through conversation had discovered a)was about to go up to Durham for his first term and b)had just passed his RCB with a view to commissioning into the RA. As a Durham grad, ex-Gunner myself this would probably have covered a multitude of sins but as he was polite, clean, cheerful without being "Hi I'm your waitperson" and above all else efficient, we were chuffed. Not so the other adjacent couple.

    The bread was too cold, the water too hot. The olives were not from the south side of the valley and she distinctly remembered asking for Cinzano not Martini. Could the chef make her an omelette with only whites, or yolks or whatever? This fork was dirty but that spoon had been polished too brightly. Could they change the background music and turn it down too? Was this really a 2004 wine? Really..snifff...send it back and bring another bottle.

    Then when young Al was off finding some chervil or re-starching her napkin, she started in on him, to her hubby. He was slack, probably on drugs, hadn't gone to the right school probably and was generally deficient, not like the staff at "X" - a restaurant she professed to be a regular at where dinner would cost about five times she was paying here.

    She went on and on in an annoying timbre of voice... Our entrees arrived and as Al was doing silver servicey things with our vegetables she tapped him in the back, causing him to have a small serving dish related flutter. She then proceeded to complain about why "these people" - Cuddles and TFB - were being served while they were still waiting for their amuse bouche?

    Young Al started to politely apologise and explain but out of the corner of my eye I could see TFB's nose starting to twitch and that usually leads to violence so....I turned to face the stuck up bitch and said "Do you want to borrow a torch?"

    She goggled for a second and said "What did you say?" in a tone usually only ever heard in amateur productions of the Importance of Being Earnest. (A haaaandbag?)

    "It's just that you are so far up yourself, that there can't be much natural light..."

    Oh boy, was Cuddles in trouble? No, apparently not. TFB snorted with laughter, waiter Al tried not to lose his composure or job and husband finally remembered he had a pair and choke-chained the bitch back into some form of control. She tried to have a hissed anti-Cuddles conversation with hubby but he got another "come only death" look from me, gazed for ,I think, mercy from TFB but got the opposite and almost as if by magic...they were gone. They left an almost full bottle of Haut Medoc too...which curiously made its' way to our table.

    Oh and Al did something to the bill too, so I suppose a meal at "X" now costs six times as much.

    I think my current Alert State is therefore neither "Grumpy" nor "Quite cheerful" but "Wspy - Changeable"!!
  2. World Class Cuddles!!!!!!!!!

    Wish i could have ben there to see it!!!
  3. Priceless - wish I had been there.
  4. Good work fella, especially the wine procurment. Feel sorry for the husband though. Can't be easy to keep ones testes in your wifes handbag.
  5. Actually have a similar story. tho not as good as cuddles.....

    I was the way back from an obviously very boozy trip to Dublin, naturally flying Scumair. Was running late for the 'sit whereever you can find a seat' flight', the only avail seal was the middle seat between a rather portly couple. As i sat down an audable sign arose from the one who looked most female. She then proceeded to lean right over me and say to hubby with a mouth full of plums and loud enough for the whole plan to here 'I really don't know why we took this flight, is really is quite disgraceful, these seats are far far too small!, I can't believe they have no first class section' She continued on this vein for about 20 mins or so, with me wedged firmly in the middle unable to move.

    The air hotess soon proceeded over sensing trouble, and asked if everything was alright. ' I suppose it will have to do' said the walrus 'we are only taking this flight as the tickets were free, we would NEVER usually use this airline' It's quite discraceful, never again etc etc. Oh said the hostess, flashing me a look of pity.

    This was all copeable at this stage as my flight was only 1p or something - but then.....

    A baby started to cry, and cry and cry.

    Now walrus, obviously not being the hugely maternal type, starts to mutter 'Would some one please shut that baby up' this then increased in volume, until, once again the whole plane could hear her. She then called over the airhostess demending 'Would someone please give that baby a sucker or something, I cannot tolerate that noise anymore!!! '

    Top which the airhostess replied 'I am sorry madam. but short of throwing the baby outside, which unfortunetely I am not prepared to do, there is nothing i can do. Please ensure that next time you need to fly please take your private jet , so no one is disturbed', I could see she was really struggling with the straight face saying that.

    When we landed She and He walrus got off first. No one dared get in there way, Hostess turns to me and just said B'tch!! Obviously I had to agree!!

    Where do these people come from!!!
  6. I don't think he was particularly deserving of sympathy - remember he had let her get to such a pitch of bitch! Also he was a bit of a git, after all at no point did he say "Oy fat bald cnut! That's my rather annoying, somewhat time-ravaged and without social skills wife you are insulting!" He just whimbled a bit and did a posh version of "calm down, calm down"...and he was an accountant.
  7. ... good job I weren't there. I would have chinned the stuck-up sow. And I would have throat-jabbed the troughing mare on the plane an' all!

    <.... RAGE!!!!!!!!>
  8. Good work that man, if Mrs X was so insistent about the quality of service at restaurant X, she should have gone there in the first place! I have to say I am normally more than sanguine about service in resaurants and have only felt cause to complain once, and even then only because the service was execrable!

    The behaviour of my fellow diners, however, has been known to send me apoploectic with rage. My personal bugbear is addressing waiters in Indian restaurants as if they're retarded, despite the fact that they're usually second generation Indian and their English is impeccable. Not to mention smoking at the table next to you, getting excessively drunk and rowdy, any level of rudeness to the waiting staff, impatience if the food takes more than 10 minutes to arrive and, worst of all, interrupting the waiter whilst he is serving you! For that alone I would have crucified the stuck up tart.

    *rant mode off*

    Quite frankly I'm happy enough in any restaurant because I don't have to cook/wash up, the food is edible (as opposed to when I do it at home) and the missus usually stops bleating at me for the duration, all for the price of a meal!
  9. Cuddles dear sir, a great put down done with charm and wit I wish I had been there to see it!
  10. What utter, utter b astards. I mean, going out to a restaurant for an evening, enjoying a good meal and wine, and then not p1ssing off home straight away, but enjoying the moment, with a smoke.

    Whinging knobber. Do you do that little coughing sound as well? The one that encourages me to chainsmoke?

    It's not like there isn't a plethora of nonsmoking restaurants around for you to eat in, or do you prefer whine with your meal?
  11. Gremlin

    Gremlin LE Good Egg (charities)

    And therefore fully deserving of everything served to him. Especially the delightful dish known as "Surpris a la Cuddles".

    Great skills.

    And Supergal, have you just met Trollydolly??? :)
  12. I'm a smoker as well, but what I do is go outside for a tab, not sit in the restaurant whilst others are enjoying their meals. And I don't make that little coughing noise, I make an exceptionally loud, phlegmy rattle. The sort that you only get from years of heavy smoking, or TB. And there aren't a plethora of non-smoking restaurants that'll let you eat for less than £100 per person, at least not round here anyway.
  13. Nice one cuddles, sounded like a perfect set-up and execution.
  14. No set-up, just how it all worked out!
  15. I meant set-up like getting everyone's attention, and her thinking 'what on earth could this person want?' before you dropped a perfectly timed bomb.