HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by greysuit, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual in attempting home maintenance of a car.
    For those who have not used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at car-owners who want to fix their own cars. They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....

    Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

    Haynes: This is a snug fit.
    Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

    Haynes: This is a tight fit.
    Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

    Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
    Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

    Haynes: Pry...
    Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

    Haynes: Undo...
    Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

    Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
    Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

    Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
    Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

    Haynes: Lightly...
    Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

    Haynes: Weekly checks...
    Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

    Haynes: Routine maintenance...
    Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

    Haynes: One spanner rating.
    Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

    Haynes: Two spanner rating.
    Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

    Haynes: Four spanner rating.
    Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!


    Haynes: Five spanner rating.
    Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

    Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
    Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

    Haynes: Compress...
    Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

    Haynes: Inspect...
    Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

    Haynes: Carefully...
    Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

    Haynes: Retaining nut...
    Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

    Haynes: Get an assistant...
    Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

    Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
    Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

    Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
    Translation: But you swear in different places.

    Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
    Translation: Snap off...

    Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
    Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

    Haynes: Everyday toolkit
    Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
    Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

    Haynes: Index
    Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

    Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
    Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

    Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
    Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

    Haynes: See illustration for details
    Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given. The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the engine compartment or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the thing looked like didn't give the reader any clues!

    This item from November 2002 is actually serious, but has a funny side.

    Haynes, which has produced detailed guides on how to maintain almost every kind of car, is launching a new manual : Man, 120,000BC to Present Day, all models, shapes, sizes and colours.
    It includes chapters such as Roadside Repairs (first aid), the Engine (heart and lungs). No, it isn't a joke. It's a way to get men to look after their bodies as well as they look after their cars. It can be bought in Halfords and other car spares shops alongside the Haynes car manuals. No doubt women will buy copies for their menfolk as "novelty" presents - but it's a novelty present with a serious message.
    It's the result of a collaboration between Haynes and Men's Health Forum and sponsored by drug group Lilly ICOS. Dr Ian Banks said "We've struggled for years to create health information that men can really relate to and I think we've cracked it - when I was approached with the idea it just seemed so obvious I couldn't understand why it hadn't been thought of before."
    Based on the "Real Meanings" above, we can expect to see:

    Haynes Man Manual: Moderate exercise will keep your cardiovascular system ticking over.
    Translation: The daily walk to the pub may help your heart and lungs, but may increase wear and tear on your liver.

    Haynes Man Manual: Eat at least one portion from each of the major food groups daily.
    Translation: Beer is not one of the major food groups.

    Haynes Man Manual: Drink plenty of fluids to keep kidneys flushed. 8 medium glasses of water-based drink are recommended.
    Translation: 8 bottles of Bud Ice is not a substitute for water, despite tasting the same.

    Haynes Man Manual: Increase fibre content of diet over a period of weeks to allow your digestive system to adjust.
    Translation: Sudden switch over from low fibre fuel to high fibre fuel will cause emission problems.

    Haynes Man Manual: Remove gland, tie off blood vessels, clean and refit, reattaching blood vessels using micro-sutures.
    Translation: A drunken bet involving a hobby knife, croc clips and a high pain threshold are no substitute for a trained anaesthetist and qualified surgeon you nut!

    Haynes Man Manual: Rating: Five scalpels (expert)
    Translation: Having every episode of "Casualty" or "ER" on DVD does not make you an expert.

    Haynes Man Manual: Open synovial sheath, bleed synovial fluid, carefully dis-articulate joint, scrape cartilage overgrowth from ball section, vacuuming up debris to prevent friction damage to articulating surfaces. Re-seat all parts, with special attention to the patella, and re-articulate joint. Close synovial sheath and top up synovial fluid level.
    Translation: Don't even think about it unless you are qualified to perform keyhole surgery on knee joints
     
  2. ssssooooo true :frustrated: