Have you ever shat on your own balls.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Porridge_gun, Aug 22, 2011.

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  1. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    Am sat here, slightly bemused but at the same time chuckling at the actions of the last hour.

    It happened before, a couple of years ago, but tonight I have had to de-shit my own testes.

    At about 21:00 I started to prairie dog, the urge to pass a brown trout set about me with no notice, barely giving me time to get to the trumping pot. As my shreddies and shorts were still travelling floorwards, I'd hardly sat down when my anus exploded and fired orange broth in all directions. It stank immediately, like the scene from wild geese where they cyanide the sleeping Simba my nostrils filled with poo vapour making me feel more than nauseus.

    More worrying than the smell or the colouring of my honking waste was the sprinkiling that hit the back of my scrotum, and the undserside of my rod. When I crap I have to point my hampton at the bottom of the bowl, otherwise I end up pissing through the gap in the seat and porcelain, usually filling the back of my trousers with my own natural champagne. Not after tonight, there is nothing nice about removing your own diahorea from your own genitalia.

    Has anyone else shat on thier own bollocks?
    • Like Like x 3
  2. No but in Brunei my dick touched the bottom of the pan
  3. Happens to me all the time it's normally in relation to excessive alcohol consumption but it is also rather a reassuring warmness for a while in winter.
  4. Yes, once many years ago, but not with the same style and panache as you.

    I'd been out with some mates whilst on leave and had partaken of a large quantity of JD and Coke, the night ended early as I apparently decided it would be a good idea to start taking my clothes off on the dance floor of the bar. On the way back I shit my pants and walked the last mile or so with my pants and boxers around my ankles complaining that it stank of shit 'round there.

    It was a shock when I woke up at my mates house in a sleeping bag wearing clothes that weren't mine, I had no memory of the previous night after about 1800 just after we met up and started drinking. It was a fun trip home on the bus carrying a Tescos carrier bag with my shit covered jeans and skiddies in.
  5. Regularly with slimy bogsplash real ale shits

    In fact Sunday saw me mop up my baws after a particularly jetty whooosh of a liquid shit
  6. I also shit clear bubbly liquid on a regular basis, but have been nowhere near that invader jarrod
  7. best thread I have ever seen
  8. Pork has the worst effect on me which is difficult as I love pork pies and sausage but I have the resulting scrotal splashings to remove in an acceptable manner.

  9. You mucky get !
  10. Only when I let my balls enter the water before I have a shit.
  11. In Bosnia, I ate a delicious plate of the local cevapi. Yum yum, I thought at the time.

    Two hours later, I felt the urge to fart, as one does. Instead of gas, a huge jet of gravy burst across the bed. I got up (bad idea) and ran for the bog, with a stream of bum gravy running down both legs. I tried to cup it in my hands, to save the carpet, only to smear it all over the bog door, which was by this time too slippery to open. There were hand prints in shit everywhere, rather like those you see in blood during Intefadas.

    Off came the pants, to be used as a rag to give my hand purchase. I opened the door and as I sat down on the bog, a jet of liquid shite sprayed all up the wall and across the cistern. Once I'd sat down, there was nothing else to come out. So I sat there and read the paper, nads untouched.
    • Like Like x 7
  12. Belize. As part of the ISTAR group was watching a company attack go in on Baldy Beacon. Made a reference to Dads Army and laughed a bit too strongly (think career laugh). Ended up picking bean husks out of my knackers for a while. Not as bad as best mate unplucking ticks from my Gypsies Bridge though.
    • Like Like x 1
  13. I have never been so aroused as I am right now....
  14. on a scale of 1 - 10 how moist are you?
  15. Can any arrsemaidens regale us with tales of befouling their pissflaps?