Have you ever punched your mum full in the face

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, Jun 5, 2009.

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  1. I know that it seems to be a pretty awful thing to ask, but I just thought I'd put my bid in here. Is it one of the true taboos or is it alright to punch your mum full in the face?

    I'm not saying I make a habit of it, or that I condone daily violence towards female parents, but now and again, my mum has annoyed me to the point where the only course of action open to me, is to smite her with a teeth shattering blow.

    Most recently, I went round there for a cup of tea, en route to going out for a nice walk in the Peak District. I was in a good mood. The weather was nice, my phone was off and I had fick alles to do for the whole afternoon. She got the brews on and offered me a biscuit from the tin that has served that purpose since I was a kid. I rummaged around, but after a few seconds realised that she was out of Jaffa cakes.

    "Where are the Jaffa Cakes, mum" I asked, calmly, but with a growing sense that I was about to lose it.

    "Oh, thanks for reminding me, son. I need to stick them on my list and get some tomorrow." I almost chuckled at the fact that she had no idea how angry I was.

    Before she had time to suggest another biscuit, I delivered a full punch to the face that any domestic abuse instructor would have been proud of. I leant so far back to deliver the pagger, I looked a bit like Keanu Reeves when he's dodging the bullets in The Matrix. When it landed, her hair shot out in all directions, creating a temporary Brian May effect. Of course, being an old lady, she dropped fairly sharpish. I returned to a neutral corner of her living room and waited for her to get back up. It was a fairly good clobber, her bugle being liberally spread round the rest of her face. She eventually managed to stagger into her comfy chair, as I shadow boxed near the telly.

    I let myself out, pausing to waggle my index finger at her, with the words 'Think on, mum'

    I think you'll agree that the circumstances were exceptional. I just wondered if any other Longdoners had finally cracked under parental pressure and punched their mothers full in the face. Backhanders, raised hand 'Gertchas' and kicks to the lower extremities don't count. Just full on clatters to the coupon please. Kudos prizes for the best example of the most innocuous 'provocation' that lead to a subsequent battering.
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  2. Why would Jaffa cakes be in the biscuit tin? They are cakes and as such should be in the corner sweety cupboard
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  3. You sir are a strange one. I think that this was uncalled for just because she failed to provide you with Jaffa cakes....Now had it been chocolate Hobb Nobbs then fair game................
  4. Feeling left out and not wanting to be outdone by convoy I called my mum to ask if she was ok....

    She said she'd been to the doctors, and the shops and done some mum type stuff in the kitchen.... I said 'pop the kettle on, I'll be there in ten mins'

    On the way there I had one thought in mind and that was to give her a right good knuckle butty.... but I couldn't think of a reason why and questioned whether she deserved it.

    A delicious cup of tea and a slice of best buttered Malt loaf made for a reasonably pleasant hour or so in front of fifteen to one. William G Stewart asked a question that only a housewife of thirty or more years could understand. Temper and tantrum started to take over my body and I found myself dragging her out of her chair by her tits.

    'Do you think its wise to beat me at fifteen to one you rickety old cnut' I yelled at her......... 'Oh Christopher its only a game' she jovially responded, her tits being squeezed hard and causing her discomfort.

    With a snarl like a dog protecting his sausages I nutted her straight between the orbs and she had the nerve to stand there, rigid in shock, further humiliating me that I can't fell and old bird with a 'tuppin'

    Enraged, I span on my heel and gave her a round house spocking right in her left eye, popping it giving instant relief and satisfaction........ after a dressing down I gave her a quick dig to the gut and left........ with the rest of the packet of malt loaf.

    I called her on the house phone to apologise, and she responded with 'Its ok lovey, you are under pressure with work I understand'

    I went straight back round to remind her she knows fcuk all about me, and to keep her well wishes to herself. Gave her a Dummy jab which she cowered from but walking straight into my Big right hand as it delivered a five knuckle boarding party right on the schnozzer....... I left my T shirt with her to clean as her nostrils exploded all over it.


    She'll be going to her friends house with a shiney new addition to her head..... in the form of a great big lump.

    I hope Convoy starts a thread on Raping his mum tomorrow, I've not done that either but am quite excited at the thought of wrecking tomorrow for her aswell as today
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  5. Yeh, I thought that, What type of bellend dosn't know that mcvities had a big court battle to prove that they were not Chocolate covered buiscuits but cakes as the law clearly stated that cakes and buiscuits are a need of the british people and are thereby do not have to have tax charges placed upon them.

    Chocolate covered buiscuits are, however, a luxury item and have to have tax.

    McVities proved that Jaffacakes were cakes by saying that when a buiscuit goes stale it turns soft, whereas cakes turn hard.

    What type of bellend dosn't know that. :oops:
  6. So, she's still able to smile and can breathe through her nose? That was probably your Dad's work more like, you bluffer.
  7. I think you will find Jaffa cakes are actually officially classed as a biscuit, not a cake....as this would make them a luxury item and therefore subject to VAT! Hence finding them in the biccy aisle in Tescos not with the cakes! :p
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  8. If you want a debate on jaffa cakes do a search on the very topic, its been covered extensively in the NAAFI

    This thread is about smiting your mother teeth loosening blows.
  9. The last person I met who had punched his mum full in the face was under arrest twenty seconds later..... the 20 second time lapse being due to the fact that he was too busy headbutting me to be arrested immediatly.

    :-x Trotsky
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  10. Apparently the current record for most number of Jaffa cakes eaten in 1 minute is 4... what's that all about then! :x
  11. [​IMG]
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  12. No, but I've punched your mother in the chops, the mouthy gobshite.
  13. Listen mate. Considering you're 17 and can't run without getting a stitch, i'd say that you needed to worry less about a Jaffa Cake's status and more about your inability to stop ramming them down you're throat.

    Have you punched your mum full in the face or would that give you a stitch as well??
  14. Sorry MDN :oops: Apparently the record for the most number of mothers being smashed in the face is 4 in 1 minute.... what that all about then? :x
  15. Boring, done it too many times already. I still have her cum-filled corpse in my basement.