Have you ever done any of these?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Benny687, May 19, 2008.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Benny687

    Benny687 Old-Salt

    Got this emailed today, probably done the rounds already but never mind, made me laugh.
    Are you guilty of any of these?



    This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer
    In Oxford:

    Dear Mrs. Murray,

    While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco
    Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you
    and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

    Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:


    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
    trolleys when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
    5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
    tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

    5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
    area.

    6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

    7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

    8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

    9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives
    in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

    10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
    the "Mission Impossible" theme.

    11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the
    "Madonna
    look" using different size funnels.

    12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
    "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

    13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

    And; last, but not least:

    14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
    while; then yelled, very loudly,
    "There is no toilet paper in here."

    Yours sincerely,

    Charles Brown
    Store Manager
     
  2. callum13

    callum13 War Hero

    No but i will be doing this one tomorrow night

    "Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
    the "Mission Impossible" theme. "

    :lol:

    Cal
     
  3. Benny687

    Benny687 Old-Salt

    I do the mission impossible one in the Tesco Express almost everyday!

    Like the condom one though, might have to think of some variations on that theme....slipping Preparation H into a few peoples trolleys maybe....
     
  4. Muggle

    Muggle Old-Salt

    pmpl would love to see any of these! but no, not guilty of any of these. yet!!! :twisted:
     
  5. I do the condom thing whenever I see the opportunity and grace a deiu have never been rumbled.I also have been bestowing feminine hygiene products on unwary chaps baskets for the last thirty years.My own personal best was slipping 2 "reduced to clear" Melton Mowbray pork pies into the trolley of an Islamic gentleman with a hennaed beard. :D
     
  6. callum13

    callum13 War Hero

    I commend you :D

    I might also do the condom one with KY jelly, or pregnancy tests on minors and OAP's possabilities are endless.
     
  7. Trans-sane

    Trans-sane LE Book Reviewer

    I like the alarm clocks one. One of the more malicious. I've also done the condom one. Works best of families where mum and dad are out together. I've caused a couple of domestics with that one.
     
  8. CC_TA

    CC_TA LE

    I always find shouting 'Going long!' and starting to run down an aisle when my mate picks up kitchen roll or anything American footie shaped quite amusing. When they throw it for me to catch it's so much fun just to stop running and look somewhere else as the kitchen roll/bog roll/loaf of bread goes hurtling towards some poor sods head.
     
  9. Benny687

    Benny687 Old-Salt

    Thats fucking legendary! This has set the standard, and I intend to best it...
     
  10. lord

    lord Swinger

    that is fucking genius and I am going defo going to knick that one...
     
  11. Trans-sane

    Trans-sane LE Book Reviewer

    Your mission. Place any 3 of the following items in the trolley of an orthodox jewish gentleman:-

    Pork scratching
    Deli ham end off cuts
    Pork pies of any kind
    Bacon
    Wafer thin ham. The stuff that is only fit for dog food. Double points if it is a realy massive box.
    (Anything else you can think of)
     
  12. Extra points will be awarded for the deposit of a living, breathing pig in the trolley (double bonus marks if it is liberally coated with shellfish).
     
  13. Mongo

    Mongo LE Reviewer

    Ive done the timers, but it was in Lakeland Limited, not a supermarket..


    Some of these are great though, I've got to try them out!
     
  14. PrayingMantis

    PrayingMantis War Hero

    :rofl: :twisted: quality
     
  15. CC_TA

    CC_TA LE

    Students from Carmel college used to pay us to buy them bacon, pork, etc, etc, while they were being watched by their teachers, we used to grass them up to the tutors who gave us dough for snitching - happy days!