Hats and madwomen- Part 2 of many

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by puzzledgrunt, Dec 19, 2007.

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  1. Hats and madwomen-Part 2 of many.

    Calm down, you Airborne types.

    Sorry to post twice on the same subject, but I would be neglecting my duty as an ARRSEr if I didn't warn fellow members of the following risks,

    1)All madwomen wear hats.
    2)The more hats she has, the madder she is.
    3)If you meet a woman who wears hats on a daily basis, you are to run like ten men.
    4)If you should accidentally pull a madwoman, always insist on going back to her place (this is important-it could save your life-or your, er, something)
    5)Keep your wits about you as you are led through the front door. If she has a hatstand in the hall (always a worrying sign)-take note. If said hatstand is festooned with rather battered-looking hats- (see 3, the emphatic bit).
    6)Being freshly bejewelled with my pearls of wisdom, your squaddie survival instinct should-hopefully-be kicking in by now, thus giving you many and varied escape/survival options. Therefore-
    7) a) see 3)
    b) Ask her about her mother...actually, er, no, ignore my last, see 3)
    c) shag her, then 3)
    d) shag her, enjoy the wild, wanton, potentially fatal experience, then 3)
    e) shag her, allow yourself to fall asleep afterwards, and take your chances. Good luck.
    f) shag her, then wake up with her thumbnails in your eyesockets and/or with her carving knife in your throat. Or both, if you're a really dud bash, in which case you don't belong here anyway. Variety is important, you know.
    g) you do know what your blood type is, don't you?
    h) rent her out, assuming that some enterprising b@stard hasn't beaten you to it already.
    i) imagine she's your mum, then indulge your depraved fantasies. You sick creature. You disgust me (does she swallow?)
    j) this list is getting rather too long, isn't it?
    k) never mind, it's late, I'm pissed, and none of us has anything better to do...sad, really, isn't it?.
    l) what was the question again?
    m) I'm running out of letters. Better snap to it, eh? Right, so be it! Explain the socio-economic role of glass in the Middle Ages! (Hint- it has to do with wealth) Nerny nerny ner!
    n) just shag her and get it over with, will you?
    o) is Scotlass ginger? I reckon so.
    p) what about publishing an “ARRSER SURVIVAL GUIDE”, bearing in mind that none of us is called “Lofty”?. I reckon it might sell.
    q) vile diseases you've had. My own effort was to contract a urinary tract infection;.SFW you might ask? I was 19 Y.O.and thought it was a particularly virulent form of the clap (something which was physically impossible at the time, cough mumble)
    Thus terrified, I left it until I was pissing what can only be described as purple and black chunks
    r) people say it's like pissing razor blades, but they're wrong.
    s) it's like pissing blunt rusty broken white hot razor blades.
    t) i've had to sit down to piss ever since...and I don't like it!
    u) just thought you'd like to know.

    Merry f*cking Christmas, you b@stards
  2. Hmmm - you've got issues, haven't you?
  3. I don't think "issues" really covers the scale of this. The happy sauce doesn't seem to be helping either.
  4. I take ownership of my issues and give myself permission to move on...

    Actually, I'm just bored sh!tless. Comes of having no life you see :wink:
  5. Oh come on guys, I'm just joking (sniffle, pout)