hard-ons at inappropriate times

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by braveheart, Apr 30, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. As we can all relate to, sometimes it is a pleasure to sit back and relax whilst the wee man hits a brick - im sure every man does it from time to time, yes?

    Well today I was at my local gym, and after prancing about went down to the pool. This gym is actually pretty good and has 2 jacousys beside the pool running on alternate 10 minute cycles. In i get and sit down, bubbles galore... its great, nobody can see whats going on under the water. All of a sudden for no obvious reason i start feeling a slight movement of blood downstairs - and sure enough I feel it getting excited. Im not too bothered at first knowing that the bubbles will hide it and nobody will see it - im quite confident that it will die down soon enough. So there I am, the water is a good temperature (maybe thats what did it) with a full hard on around 2 other complete stranters - if only they knew. Well, after a minute or two more, the bubbles start to die down and people start leaving to go to the other one which has just started. I think to myself, fcuk how am i going to get a across there without anyone seeing it. As i fumble about with it knowing that the time I have is the time for the bubbles to clear and the water to become clear again, an old school trick comes to me - tuck it up the way. As you can imagine, a hard on isnt very easy to hide whilst in wet shorts and I had to come up with a solution quickly. Unfortunately for me, it's a little longer than when I was at school and sticks out the top of the just above pube line shorts, so I had to put it slightly to the side. I didnt quite manage this to a great standard but i had to get out to avoid suspicion and attention. So i casually get up and walk the 5-10 yards to the salvation of further bubbles with a slight hunch back and a strange lump at the top and slightly right of centre of my shorts.

    It felt like the whole world was looking at me, but im not entirely sure if anyone noticed. Either way, i choked the little bastard when I got back under the bubbles, and he died away (thankfully) within the next 10 minute period.

    I then casually and with my chest out, walked to my towel and away I went.

    Got me thinking, there must be tales similar to this the nation over, so lets have some of them and have a bit of a laugh about them - its ok to laugh about them now that its over but it certainly wasnt funny at the time.
  2. Don't try and hide it mate..... Thats the advice from a bloke who gets random boners in teh most odd places at all times.

    I could be stood waiting for a sausage sarni in a Sainsburies cafe, waiting for a prescription, fastening shoe laces or be sat thinking about which molegrips would do the job best and get a royal rumbling in my undercrackers.

    If I didn't just get on with it with a lump of angle iron in my pants I'd never get anythign done, besides which women love it and always touch it when you make the bulb swell and move

    There is a famous saying:

    Hiding your boner is the first step to homosexuality and shagging kids
  3. The "doing nothing in particular" erection can be a tad innapropriate at times, especially during baby nappy changing sessions.
  4. Come on trigger....... why do you think baby oil is call baby oil? :D
  5. Is it because it's made from processing babies? Like whale oil but in less quantities, unless it's from American babies?
  6. Least you've not got floppy dick, and MDN I think you need to see a doctor, sounds serious some anti-biotics will clear up the rash too.
  7. I've just got back from shopping in town with the missus, and had the largest boner i've had for months in a ladies underwear department....kept getting her to bend down to look at things on lower shelves then 'inadvertantly' walking into her.....think a little bit of 'harry' came out too....!!

    heh heh heh.....
  8. Shit...you owe me a new keyboard! PMSL! :D
  9. Post of the week
  10. Wet shorts and a woody is a bad combo, no question, but try hiding a hard on wearing a kilt. I don't mean a slight chub, we're talking fully at attention, sporran feckin near horizontal.
  11. When we used to fall in for 0800 nominal, it'd always be in a 3/4 square with the Sgt in the centre as per. Myself and my mate Richmond used to be on the far right of the right side of the 3/4 square, slightly out of the Sgts peripherial vision.

    Richmond used to get delayed morning wood, and it'ud always come on at 0800 after the morning rush and full breakfast.

    Not many people can say they've tossed off there bessie oppo infront of a whole company, while on parade, everyday for a month solid and, without getting charged, sent to the pardre, or accused of homosexuality by peirs. In fact, drunk free for a while, kinda why it went on so long....

  12. You're right, a kilt can be a nightmare if you take one at the wrong time. Being a piper, i'm in a kilt fairly regularly and although there isn't very many fit birds in the pipe band world, sometimes you get a random welcome from down below. It starts with gradual pressure against the sporran and somethimes this is all you get, but if you hit a true brick the whole sporran just lifts up to what seems like a 90 degree angle to the ground.

    Although this has never happened to me when im in an 'inappropriate place', i can imagine it's a bit of a nightmare for the person involved, especially if he happens to be piping at the time and doesnt have a free hand to shift it...
  13. That's when you discover who your friends really are :)
  14. When i was a tax dodging student i used to work in argos on a weekend and i would be up and down like a yo yo! it wasnt too bad if i was on dispatch cos the desk had a clear shelf underneath and so hid my excitement however when i was on a till i was screwed! in true ron burgendy fashion

    "its the pleats!, dont act like your not impressed...."