Happy Feckin Christmas Bah Humbug!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by SuperTrooper, Dec 13, 2005.

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  1. Right, its that time of the year again! I have several (singleton) options in the bag and here they are:

    a. Go home and visit the aged parents, to whom I cannot talk to because they do my head in with their constant whittering on about mundane sh!te such as the weather, what you can get on the menu at the last holiday to Cyprus, who has kicked the bucket since last Christmas etc etc blah blah. They really do my head in as we have lost the ability to communicate having left home 25 years previously and lived overseas for 18 of them! Conversation drys up after half a day. :(

    b. Visit family over here in not so sunny England and stuff my face with the usual christmas stodge and get well oiled. Watch them get pished and start scrapping with each other and suffer drooling todlers with their sticky chocolate covered fingers pawing me and asking my opinion of the latest twenies video 8O

    c. Sit at home and enjoy the few days off work, which they won't ask me to work as it will cost them double time. Get a nice bottle of Laphroig single malt, a plumb chicken with all the trimings, some fine red wine, a fine collection of cult DVD's to watch on my 50 inch plasma, some new computer games and sit abusing other arrse singletons whilst watching re-runs of The Wizard of Oz!

    Well thats my options. I am sure there are many less sad ones but my head is dulled by the usual marketing brainwashing that goes on this time of year. I can't go away for a holiday as I have too many things to do at work, otherwise I'd be off to watch ladyboys of Bangkok shoot table tennis balls out of their teatowel holders and enjoy the tsunami kissed beaches of SE Asia.

    So what's it to be folks, give me a hand in selecting my special christmas! :lol:

    If I was still in I'd be invited around the pads to get pissed on their beer, letch at their wives, sisters, daughters, mums and piss all over their bathroom floor before getting sent home in a cab.

    Anyone got any other suggestions

  2. I'd go for c.

    As a recently re-singled chap I've got pretty much the same options without the house and as the joys of contracting everything out will have closed the mess it'll be Tesco's cold cuts on Crimbo day. :x

    Pass us the whiskey!!! :cry:
  3. How about option “B” with a bit of “if I was still in” action thrown in for good fun? Go to the home of whichever relly you feel deserves a Christmas to remember, eat all of their food, drink all of their alcohol, wipe chocolate-covered fingers all over their pale furniture / carpet / curtains, ask their opinion of your latest porn video and pish on their toddlers! I’m sure you’ll be invited back next year! 8O
  4. Heh - I recall a Xmas as a singley in BFG - which was basically a constant 24/7 of the above.

    How about option c, but with any local ARRSErs/mates who may be in a similar situation? Be a hell of a urine up.
  5. C, with one suggestion.

    I don't know about here, but in the States many strip clubs are kept open on Christmas Eve/Day for men just like you. If so, then take that money you would have spent on travel fare and gifts for parents or hosting pads, and go blow it on a dry-hump from Tiffani.
  6. My Christmas will be spent working 8 hours (at double time and a half I might add) and afterword, going home to my priceless princess: My Cassie Cat :)

    So, my option would be "C." Its what I will be doing, sitting on the couch, drinking a bottle of Chimay Grande Reserve and eating some prime rib; feeling sorry for myself, as per usual.
  7. Keep it down fellas, you're bringing down my otherwise impenetrable Christmas buzz.
  8. RTFQ


    Have you not heard of 'adapt and overcome?'

    Some tips:

    Every english speaking foreignor who works over here and who can't afford the flight back for christmas goes to covent garden on christmas eve. OK it's covent garden, but drunk homesick south african chicks improve the by-numbers atmosphere tenfold. Similarly, chrimbo day is sunday, so The Church may be open - check on the website. If it is, it's the best way for a singleton to spend christmas.

    Ryanair do cheap flights on christmas day. Get some mates together, get up at silly o'clock and get the early bird to Barcelona, Stockholm or Rome. A decent cover story that has you stranded in a foreign country on Xmas day will have you round a nice Swedish girl's house for christmas dinner quicker than you can say "eggnog."

    Fly Easyjet/Ryanair/BMI to Girona (Spain), bus to Empuriabrava, ask for the Aerodrome. There you will see a great deal of English speaking skydivers. Pay for a Tandem, or if you have a couple of week's leave, pay for an accelerated freefall course (£500 ish?). Buy some clothes from the freefly shop on the DZ so you look the part. Spend an awesome christmas and new year in the very pleasant winter sun, surrounded by young, attractive people who party like their their main and reserve may fail tomorrow. Don't spread this around - it's a secret I share rarely. Accom won't be a problem, someone will put you up.

    Go to a big ski resort, any one. Get a carry out and wonder around the chalets inviting yourself to parties. You won't need to worry about accom, trust me. ;)

    There you go - that feeling you've got in your stomach that says "I cant possibly do that"? That's what life feels like. "Go home and watch DVDs" what the feck are you man?
  9. 8O Too much singlie self pity!!

    Got my mother and brother coming out to Norway to spend Christmas with me, Mrs Biscuits and the two nippers. My eldest is scared of my brother, who has hair like my avatar, and my son's only used to the Grant Mitchell haircut on blokes. My daughter is teething. My mother has arthritis, and doesn't like to walk on anything other than flat ground. We live by the side of a fjord, on a hill side( not as idyllic as it sounds, we're right by an industrial estate). My brother, Sideshow Bob, likes funny cigarettes, and I live in an MQ, so I'll have to keep a close eye on him.

    So as you can see, I'll be the one hiding behind the Christmas tree with a bottle of Bells (can't afford malt on my wages), dreaming about my peaceful singly Christmasses past, where I'd get Turkey Madras from the indians on Christmas Eve, and eat it in front of the telly before going out on the razz on Christmas Day :)

    Merry Christmas, you lucky, lucky b@stards!!
  10. ... sorry to make you all puke, but I'm volunteering to help out at a local hostel serving Christmas dinner to the homeless (... OK tramps). It's actually a really good laugh and I've done it all over the world (if I happened to be there on Christmas day).
  11. Suppose you could do that, free booze and all.... :p
  12. RTFQ, ever think about becoming a motivational coach? Just pulled me from the pit of Xmas boredom, the Church is closed on Xmas but I am off down there the week before to see if I can re-live my days of Kiwi Poppin from Berlin and offer to stuff some ausie birds for Xmas :D

  13. RTFQ


    Mate, i may be down there too this weekend. I'll PM you to confirm and we'll meet up before hand. We'll discuss your chrimbo options over a pitcher or two of snakey and blacks in backpackers.