Handy Tips



(...could change though!)

Some handy tips for you all......

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Manchester United fans.
Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.

Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers.
Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans.
Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate, e.g. 'Mr. KVL 741Y'

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes.
Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Vegetarians coming to dinner?
Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Anyone got any more?
INFANTRY: Suck the eyes from attacking enemy using a Black & Decker 'Dustbuster'. The enemy will then wander around aimlessly and can be despatched by the usual methods at a more leisurely pace.

CHIEF CLERKS: Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

PRIVATES: Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

APFA FAILEES: Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. Subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea will enable you to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

ON EXERCISE: No shower available? Wrap yourself in 'black nasty' and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

AGC (SPS): Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on the office carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

INFANTRY: Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

EOD: One for the wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

PADS: Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

PAD BRATS: Fed up with posters falling off your bedroom wall? Simply file them in a filing cabinet under 'P' and you'll know exactly where to find them if you want a quick look.

PADS: Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

PADS: Don't fork out on expensive replacement batteries for those smoke alarms. Simply fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air-filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire. Probably.

REME: Re-spraying a vehicle? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you fcuk it up, simply peel it off and start again.

MEDICS: When throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a scalpel, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

ALL: Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

PADS: Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escape.

JUNIOR RANKS: Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

ALL: Save the cost of installing cable TV by taping current editions of Top Of The Pops and then watching them in fifteen years' time.

ALL: Make NAAFI staff feel like criminals and con-merchants by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

PADS: Pretend your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet, watering down your cans of beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at 11:30.

SINGLIES: Eat moderate amounts of food daily so that you do not become too overweight. Then, in the event of collapsing píssed in a toilet cubicle, the RMP will be able to drag you out through the 6 inch gap under the door.

NAAFI STAFF: Pop a few teabags into the hot water tank and you can make a delicious hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.  It won't taste any worse.

GUARDSMEN: Avoid embarrassment after tripping on the parade square by repeating the movement several times to make it seem like part of your normal drill.

PADS: Transform your garden into a Eurodisney style theme park by charging your neighbour 20 to get in, 5 for an icecream and then make him wait 4 hours for a ride on your lawnmower.

RECRUITS: Develop a right arm like Arnold Schwarzenegger in a matter of weeks by investing in the latest workout by Cindy Crawford.

SINGLIES: Emphasize your individuality at weekends by all wearing the same clothes, having exactly the same haircuts and not being able to handle your subsidised beer that tax payers provide.



;D Too skint to buy a vibrator?

Why not fill an empty aluminium cigar holder with angry wasps, works a treat.

Wiz ::)
Anyone got any more?

I'll just go up in to the loft and drag out all the old VIZ comics (from when it was funny)  


DIET TIP: Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. The subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea will enable you to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

FINANCE TIP: Save on electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

FINANCE TIP: Save on gasoline by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

HOUSEHOLD TIP: Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

HOUSEHOLD TIP: Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: At work, put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: Buy a television set exactly like your neighbors. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: During rush hour, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!" "I won!" "3rd time this week!"

PARKING TICKETS: Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

PERSONAL HYGEINE: No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

SAFETY TIP: Never attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door.

TRAVELING TIP: Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have 'skinhead' haircuts a day or two before departure.

TRAVELING TIP: When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.


*When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic
table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

*Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his
favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

*Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them
over an open fire.

*When smoking a fish, never inhale.

*A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.
A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks
between your toes.

*While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss
Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade
functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

*Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove
lint from navel before applying the match.
Top tip,

When you're trying to be funny, don't try to think up something for yourself.

Simply cut and paste the latest cut and paste email from one of your mates.


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