Handy Tips For Staying Young & Beautiful

I thought this might be appropriate for you actually, maybe if you wore some eye-liner and winked at the next nasty man to drive into your car he might bend you over the bonnet and fuck you up the arse instead of threatening to rearrange your face.

Your wife/daughter might stop slapping you about too, you cunt.

Lots of love.

What a crap wind up!

I suggest that you exfolliate with a brillo pad and moisturise using sulphuric acid you idiot!
I'm actually quite concerned and did wonder if any manly types moisturise around here, I am genuinely afraid of turning into a wrinkly old fucker, then I'd have to start paying for sex. Good god!
You need a good ex-foliating facial scrub which you can make in the kitchen.

You will need:

5 g mercury
35 ml concentrated nitric acid
30 ml ethyl alcohol
distilled water
100 ml beaker (2)
glass stirring rod
funnel and filter paper
blue litmus paper
adjustable heat source

Proceed as follows:

1) In one beaker, mix 5 g of mercury with 35 ml of concentrated nitric acid, using the glass rod.

2) Slowly heat the mixture until the mercury is dissolved, which is when the solution turns green and boils.

3) Place 30 ml of ethyl alcohol into the second beaker, and slowly and carefully add all of the contents of the first beaker to it. Red and/or brown fumes should appear. These fumes are toxic and flammable.

4) After thirty to forty minutes, the fumes should turn white, indicating that the reaction is near completion. After ten more minutes, add 30 ml of the distilled water to the solution.

5) Carefully filter out the crystals of mercury fulminate from the liquid solution. Dispose of the solution in a safe place, as it is corrosive and toxic.

6) Wash the crystals several times in distilled water to remove as much excess acid as possible. Test the crystals with the litmus paper until they are neutral. This will be when the litmus paper stays blue when it touches the wet crystals.

For use simply pat the wet crystals on to your face and let them dry. When they are dry, a brisk rub of your hand over your face will cause instantaneous ex-foliation along with the removal of your face. You fucking boring attention seeking cunt.



Orthorhombic crystals of separate, nearly linear Hg(CNO)2 molecules

Otherwise known as Fulminate of Mercury.
And for those of us (me) who spent their school years being booted out of class? I assume it's an explosive burny thing?
I know it's probly all over the interweb thingy, but I'm not going to risk looking, but you have suitably doctored that so any daft twat trying it will blow themselves up first?
I know it's probly all over the interweb thingy, but I'm not going to risk looking, but you have suitably doctored that so any daft twat trying it will blow themselves up first?
Nope. You only have to type explosives into Goooooooogle to get over 32 million references of stuff on explosives including the Anarchists Cookbook. Anyone who wants to blow themselves up doesn't need to look in an obscure thread on ARRSE, to get the details they need.

You are right not to go searching though as the CIA keep records of people who search for things like explosives on the internet.

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I know it's probly all over the interweb thingy, but I'm not going to risk looking, but you have suitably doctored that so any daft twat trying it will blow themselves up first?
I recall a newspaper article, probably in the early 70s, describing in detail how the IRA manufactured nitro-glycerine. (One of the essential items of equipment was "a cold stream"). The newspaper was berated for publishing details that could help terrorists. Their reply was that they got the details from the IRA.

...and for DC - if you dig out the instructions, try it but omit the cold stream, you won't have to worry about looking any older.
How to look young forever.
1) Drink vast amounts of alcohol in order to pickle yourself. At least 700 ml of your 40% spirit of choice daily though vodka is recommended. Do not mix this with anything fizzy or you'll just piss it back out.
2) Once you've got tolerance for voddy, switch to embalming fluid
3) Sorted.
This idea never caught on,,but it must have worked to a certain extent....

1600: At age 51, Count Ferenc died in battle and thus began Elizabeth's period of atrocities. First, she sent her hated mother-in-law away from the Castle. By this time it is thought that she had dabbled into some forms of sorcery, attending rituals that included the sacrificing of horses and other animals. Elizabeth, now 40 years old, grew increasingly vain and she feared the thought of aging as she may lose her beauty. One day a servant girl accidentially pulled her hair while combing it. Elizabeth slapped the girl's hand so hard she drew blood. The girls blood fell into ELizabeth's hand and she immediately thought that her skin took on the freshness of her young maid. She believed that she had found the secret of eternal youth. Elizabeth had her major-domo and Thorko strip the maid and then cut her and drain her blood into a huge vat. Elizabeth bathed in it to beautify her entire body.

1600 - 1610: Elizabeth's henchmen continued to provided Elizabeth with new girls for the blood-draining ritual and her blood baths. Elizabeth went out of her way to see to it that the dead girls were given proper Christian burials by the local Protestant pastor, at least initially. As the body count rose, the pastor refused to perform his duties in this respect, because there were too many girls coming to him from Elizabeth who had died of "unknown and mysterious causes." She then threatened him in order to keep him from spreading the news of her "hobby" and continued to have the bodies buried secretly. Near the end, many bodies were disposed of in haphazard and dangerously conspicuous locations (like nearby fields, wheat silos, the stream running behind the castle, the kitchen vegetable garden, etc.). But one of her intended victims escaped and told the authorities about what was happening at Castle Cachtice. King Mátyás (MAHT-yash) of Hungary ordered Elizabeth's own cousin, Count György (pronounced DYERD-yuh) Thurzo, governor of the province to raid the castle. On December 30, 1610 they raided the castle and they were horrified by the terrible sights. One dead girl in the main room, drained of blood and another alive whose body had been pierced with holes. In the dungeon they discoverd several living girls, some of whose bodies had been pierced several times. Below the castle, they exhumed the bodies of some 50 girls.

Otherwise why kill 50 girls if it didn't work....

Edited---Cut and Pasted....

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