Oh deary deary me. What have they got you into this time? Afghanistan? Fucks sakes chaps. One of my favourite countries on Gods green earth back in the day. But not now. So, welcome to Uncle Dukes Handy Household Hints for Life Among the Alf Garnets. Obviously I cannot advise you on military strategy or tactics. Because you have the jolly fine Military Intelligence chaps for that, eh? One assumes they were having a nice cup âo tea recently when they failed to tell the Paras that if you breeze into an Afghan village for to win their hearts and minds, and theres no kids trying to pick your pocket and demand baksheesh, alarm bells go off. Theres no people except a couple of coffin dodgers under a tree who say âEverybody is in the Mosqueâ even though its not Friday nor a holy day, alarm bells go off. If these coffin dodgers donât offer you tea and those revolting boiled sweets, alarm bells go off. If they then point down the valley, smile and say âThere is a bridge down there you can useâ tighten your chin strap and leg it out the way you came in. Amazingly nobody got hurt in the resulting shitstorm, well, none of ours got hurt. So the sterling reputation of British Military Intelligence remains untarnished, eh? Right, lets start with the basics. Food. Goats head soup is absolutely what you want in January up the Hindu Kush. Its like peppery, meaty lentil soup. You wont find an eyeball popping up on account of they take them out as a delicacy. If you buy it from street sellers, make sure you touch the empty goats skulls on the draining board by the pot. The skulls should be warm and slightly greasy. Like they came out of the pot today, not a week last Friday. Goat curry needs to cook for hours before you can eat it. Often your Alf Garnet doesnât bother. So its like eating boiled rubber and best avoided. If you must eat it, check the meat for little golden globules of grease. This means its dog, not goat. Dog is actually more tender than goat, but if your family back home includes a lovely golden Lab called Trixie, you might want to give the whole episode a miss. Next week â blagging it with Afghan poetry. No, Iâm dead serious. Pip Pip.