Hands down pants.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Mighty_doh_nut, May 16, 2004.

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  1. Waking up in a mischevious mood this morning and there being no chance of a shag, I began to play with my plums.

    Her indoors awoke to me having a fiddle and immediatley had a go at me.

    I told her I had awoken with a dull pain in my plums and thought there was a lump.

    What I then got was a full tessie massage and rub, the woody gave away my fibs and I still never got a jump. Now she thinks I'm sick and shouldn't joke about things such as that and she doesn't believe me when I say I'm far to handsome and gifted to get something like bollock cancer.

    So out of spite I knocked one out in the shower thinking about Beyonce giving me a nosh while Sophie Anderton licks my ring :D
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  2. You truly have a way with words :D
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  3. You are the Master in regards to getting your testicles felt (Bad CO, I only asked for advice, Matey). Keep up the good work (although your lying like a cheap NAAFI watch) and believe me when I say, I'll be feeling my balls later tonight in symphony to your situation.
  4. Had a quick chat to the rest of the guys and the general feeling is that your missus never objects when we have one off the wrist in the morning.
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  5. Friend of mine at college got knacker cancer - aged 20 - as the probable result of getting whacked in the plums during a squash match (ouch!). He died two years later, minus both balls which he'd lost along the way.

    Still, it gave the rest of us something to laugh about.
  6. Not a joking matter

    When I were a young lad I was told to do a nut inspection on a regular basis – how regular was not defined, so, in the interests of my health, I took it as an opportunity to have a play at least five times a day.

    Trouble is about 6 years ago I found some one had slipped a lentil in there and it was clinging like a limpet mine to my gonads!! I thought it would go away at first so did what every bloke does- and did nothing – in the end it got painful. I think the pain was caused due to the fact I upped the inspection regime to 20 times a day – in the interest of my health of course.

    So off I went to the Quack – Nice Indian bird, who had a play – which was pleasant (but I think she is a lezzer as her name is Mingeeta – but I digress) She sent me off to the hospital for a scan, another not unpleasant experience this time with KY (even better).

    This is where the wincing starts however as she called the ‘specialist’ (I think he had a degree in Bollockotomy). He was obviously jealous of my large proportions as he grabbed my nuts and squeezed, whilst asking ‘Does that hurt?’ – Must have been a rhetorical question as I was on the ceiling by this time calling him all kinds of cnut!!

    He said that I would have to come in and have the lump whipped off – a simple procedure, in and out in a day and up and running in a week – Lying bar steward!!! What he should have said was ‘ We will get you in, put you to sleep and then drop an anvil on your bollocks to tenderise the area, cut you from arrsehole to breakfast, play footy with your nuts for half an hour and then sew you up again with stitches worse than a squaddie sewing hessian camming.

    I looked like Buster Gonads and walked like John Wayne for a month and it was a couple more before I was back in the saddle. To add insult it was not even cancerous. So now I don’t check for lumps – I just play. :D :D
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  7. Not sure about mine really.

    When I was 9, my left spud hadn't dropped. When I was at the docs with my mum, he told me I had two options. I could leave things as they were and i'd function perfectly well with one good ted and an empty sack on the left. Or I could have the op, where they slit me open, popped the fcuker out of wherever it was hiding, and stuck it in me scrotty.

    Wishing to maintain symmetry, I opted for the cut and shut. They said the operation went fine, and sure enough, something ball-like was now sitting in the left bag. Down the years i'm not so sure if it is a bollock though. It hasn't increased in size, so i'm left with a right plum that's as big as Mo Mowlams head (with similar hair cover) and a left that feels like (feeling now, sir) a subbuteo ball. Could I be a victim of 1970's NHS dirty tricks?

    PS It has had no affect on my sex life, as I get exactly as much action as I did when I was nine.
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  8. Being of the Medical profession, I ask females of whom I am in a personal relationship with to inspect my plums on a regular basis. The excuse being to check them for lumps.

    I also explain that sometimes the tongue is the best organ for finding lumps on the said plums. I also once produced an article from a Medical publication that said there was the possibility of testicualr cancer spreading to the peenis. So I now use the tongue excuse to check my todger as well.

    Being a Medic does have its good side occasionaly :twisted:

  9. Dont tell me the girlies all fell for it??
  10. Some of them did and then again some of them didn't :twisted: But if I tried 20 times and got 2 to fall for it, then it was worthwhile :wink:

    So would you have fallen for it :?:
  11. Are you a contortionist in your spare time? :wink:
  12. would i have fallen for it??

    no way but i might have played along :wink:
  13. tease, tease, tease but I do so love it!

    I'm not a contorstionist but it read the female would fall for the tongue around the todger lie! :twisted:
  14. moi a tease?? never :lol:
  15. Shame, was going to ask for demonstration :wink:

    I know, was that a bite dui-lai, if so then i appologise for quoting you out of context! :twisted: (but i was serious about the demo ??) :lol: :lol: