Halloween - what have you got for those knocking at your door tonight?

There's a few little fuckers around here that need a new head so to help them, and after they've said the memorable lines "Trick or Treat", I'd like to be able to swing the double-sided axe at them and give them a treat! Noisey little twats.

But there's also that pretty one who is always late for school, runs along the road every morning with everything bouncing - ah, that would be a lovely treat.

Nurse, my tissues again please, seem to have made a mess!


Book Reviewer
My erection!
"Trick or friggin' treat"? That's the bloody Yanks for you. Same with "Happy Hallowe'en". How can you be happy about something that is supposed to scare you shitless? The plot's been lost.

I recall in my childhood days, Hallowe'en was fun at Cubs. There'd be treacle-doused buns hanging from strings, apple bobbing and sweets buried in a bowl of icing suger - all to be acquired with your teeth while your hands were tied behind your back. It used to take ages and a lot of scrubbing with a hard bristle brush to get all that gunk out your hair.

Kids of today. Don't realise how much fun they could have if only they'd let me tie them up.
A great big F off Royal Python called Cyd and she is on a starve day!
Surely you don't feed your python every day? A grown python should be fed every couple of weeks or so. Therefore a "starve day" will do very little.
Snakes eh ? Now there's an idea, I saw a witches outfit in my sons bedrm the other day ( its his birds apparently ) cobble that with my other sons pet snake (careful) and I could preted to be.......................the mother in law, just have to get hammered on meths first.
If any high class hookers dressed as Dracula fancy trick-or treating themselves up to room 2273 of the Conrad Hotel, Shiodome, Tokyo, they are assured of a warm welcome and may even get to see some ectoplasm.
I picked up a large lump of fresh windfall wood specially for the occasion. Only Guisers get anything in my household and then only if they've done a turn. Trick-or-treaters are met with a response appropriate to those demanding money with menaces.

Seriously though, who the Hell thought that, "Threaten your neighours and they give you stuff" was a good life-lesson to teach kids? Were they from fucking Tottenham?


Book Reviewer
The little fuckers would have to be from out of the area to stroll up to my door asking for a treat but there is always a chance, so same as years past I suppose.

The two street lights in the lane will have mysteriously blown. All external security lights turned off apart from the IR ones. Internal wooden shutters closed. a getto blaster in the trees emitting whale noises

If I had time I would clear up the assortment of old rakes, tangles of rope, tow wire, ratchet strops and pruned hawthorn branches that litter the approaches but I am a busy man.


Hello small child. Where's your MUMMY?
When I were a lad up in frozen Jockland, you didn't dare go out threatening people, if you did your dad's hand would be taking the quick route from back-of-head to front-of-face. Trick-or-treat is yet another Americanism for getting money for doing the square root of fuck-all. I was a guiser in my youth and had a reportoire of not many songs but I could do a mean Gay Gordon (no- stop it! I mean the dance!) A wee bag of sweets and an apple was just reward for embarrassing oneself visiting houses you wouldn't normally go near. Most, if not all, had been targetted as a residence of a young lady who's panties you would love to explore.
I have some nuts for them, but they have to search for them, in my specially designed trouser pockets.


Most brats round here take one look at the skulls and other dead things decorating my window sills and walls all year round and decide it isn't worth visiting that scary fuckers place even at halloween :)

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