Haggis Hunting!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Fugly, Dec 25, 2005.

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  1. Fugly

    Fugly LE DirtyBAT

  2. Is it true that Haggisses, or HAGGI as they are known in plural ( a small village in hebridean scotland) have a long left back and front leg but a shorter right back and front leg?? I was led to believe that it made it easier for them to run around steep hillsides without going all wonky and falling over.


    PS I am sober as I type this
  3. J_D

    J_D LE

    Either way, bung them in the oven for a few hours and add some stuffing. Got a good Sunday meal there!
  4. There has been a bit of a problem in recent years with visiting Klondykers (Russian factory ships) arriving at NW fishing ports such as Ullapool. The Jock Haggis (like sheep - 1 Haggis, 2 Haggis, 3 Haggis - same singular and plural) is predominantly right footed so runs round the mountain tops anti-clockwise (or widershins as the Faerie Folk would have it.). The russian beasts which have been swimming ashore from these Klondykers run in the opposite direction, having longer left feet (a commie thing I have no doubt). This has led to a spate of head-on-collisions and the mass deaths of these valuable creatures has pushed the price for fresh Haggis to an all time high - now standing at tuppence-happeny per kilo.

  5. Fcuk me Abs...I thought I was taking the Pish....apparently their is also a herefordshire hybrid haggis which has natural "night vision" without the need for such equipment as image intensifyers or NVG's.

    How far can the haggis bollox go before it is banned..
  6. By haggis bollox I am not refering to offal
  7. :lol: :lol: :lol:
  8. This one has had me scratching my head but fortunately Saxybabe got me a Book of Natural Jock Wildlife for Christmas and I found an obscure reference to something called the Haggisas. These were first spotted at Sundrum in Ayrshire of all places with the first sitings being reported during the 40's. A notoriously shy creature it shuns the limelight although there is a sub-species called the Haggisas Publicsas which prefers a city centre location to the more rural parts of the UK and is often captured on film on the balconies of old buildings.

    This bollox could go on and on..... ;)
  9. It might be fake but it's accurate......said the BBC
  10. oldbaldy

    oldbaldy LE Moderator Good Egg (charities)
    1. Battlefield Tours

  11. Is that a challenge ?

    There is also the CONNOR Mc leod McHAGGIS of the clan Mcleod McHaggis, he was the seventh haggis of the seventh haggis, he had mystical powers and folklore states that he can only be killed by lopping his head off....now...if you look in any reputable butchers shop window you will notice that HAGGI do not have a head ( unless its invisible..Queue the next line) Ergo, if haggi have no head..how can one be decapitated thus rendering it lifeless and ready for the pot.

    Abacus, look in the publication that saxy bought you and prepare a witty retort

    Consider the gauntlet thrown and let this bollox continue forth until sean connery appears with large man with a scar on his neck (that counts me out)
  12. I shall get back to you presently - in the meantime News Reports Just In - Wild Haggis seen in Hong Kong - undoubtedly the result of some inbreeding between 1BW and the local populace just before we handed the place back:

  13. I would STRONGLY recommend that you stop snorting single malt scotch...it's rotting your brains Abs...Saxybabe, get the fella in for some counselling.

    Edited to read...sh it , can't think of a reply yet, must play for time
  14. It appears that the answer is:

    Haggis of the genus McLeod McHaggis are just a head on legs:


    A nice simple operation then with the two-handed Claymore:


    to lop the critturs head off. An interesting by-product is a French Delicacy which they will insist on selling as "Frogs' Legs" (from the same people who tell you horse is the same as beef :roll:) Here is a pic of same, being the result of a nest of Haggis Little-uns, captured while mum was down the Bingo:


    CAUTION - Extreme care must be taken to ensure that you actually decapitate the beast and don't just chop it's legs off. An inexperienced Haggis Hunter would be hard-pushed to tell the difference as it is mostly one of technique so the best advice is to take a local expert with you on any such Haggis Hunts. Such individuals can usually be found in Jock hostelries snorting single malt scotch - although it tends to rot their brains so don't be too surprised when they declare that "You're their best mate you are!" :lol:
  15. A survey was conducted in 1957 In a research facility near a small village in southern Niger - Africa.

    It Turns out that Certain types of people namely, Small with grey hair and saggy skin evolved from Scottish Haggis. After a battle between the Warrior clans of Scotland and a Tribe of Prune eating Jungle Goat. The battle is believed to have taken place around 920 BC.

    When they won the Battle the Jungle goats Moved to Scotland, assumed the name of the Clan McHaggisFeckPesh and decided to rape all of the women from the clans they had fought with. This plus the Radioactive energy being admitted by the second sun which left us in the year 1065 Led to they hyper-evolvation of what we now know as "Old Hags"

    As each generation passed on the next would live longer and longer as long as the genitals were kept cool. This led to the invention of the Kilt in the summer of 1267. Eventually the first of the immortal Hags were born and they became legends in there own time shouting things like "There can be only 100"

    But the Males Battled with eachother for power and authority over the land owned by the Clan McHaggisFeckPesh. Until eventually we were left with one. The story told by a french dude in the feature film highlander! However the women lived on. & although they grew older and older and gradually more decrepid they live on healthy as healthy thing who works in Holland and Barret.

    They can still be seen upholding the great traditions such as pulling Tarten shopping carts, Rinsing their hair in unusual colours... Stinking of p1ss and many many more.

    I think i have the research papers lying around somewhere! I'll dig them out! But i just thought you should all know the truth!