Guest Celebrity

Many moons and a couple of stars ago, A few of the singly cuthberts in an unidentified mess in the South of England decided to write to the agents of a selection of famous actresses, poptarts and models in an effort to invite them to dinner nights. Gwyneth Paltrow, Jo Guest, Lisa Reilly and Natalie Embrouglia (Sp?) all had well written and courteous invites sent to them. If I remember rightly, a certain deployment meant we were away when the excited replies arrived at the mess, so we never had a chance to entertain them, but it's given me an idea.

Let's create a vehicle on this site that features top Celebrities giving advice to squaddies the world over. I'm not talking the standard, crass and irreverent advice on shaving and poopy love, but useful stuff based on the celebrity's experience. EG:

Erika Eleniak, buxom leading lady in "Under Seige" on how to survive a terrorist situation from inside a novelty cake

Kerri Green, the fit ginger one (yes I know...) out of The Goonies on the best way to move tactically through tunnels bobby-trapped by pirates (or islamic insurgents)

Kelly McGillis (Charlie in Top Gun as if you don't know...) on Aircraft Recognition, and pies.

Kate Winslet on Sea Survival.

To help this come about I need some more ideas and some addresses for agents. Piece of p1ss after that...



Keira Knightley on how to survive being trapped in an underground bunker in a schoolgirl outfit.

Sylvia Saint's advice on how to continue looking fresh and lovely whilst being triple penetrated by massively over-endowed male porn stars.

Jenna Jameson ditto.

Paula Radcliffe: what to do if caught short on a run when the cameras are on and Steve Cram is commentating on your every facial gesture.
Angelina Jolie could offer all sorts of top advice:

* How to move stealthily through abandoned and dangerous catacombs/ ruins/ temples.

* Fighting with robots and winning.

* Shooting accurately with two very large pistols at once.

* Combat jet-skiing.

* Being Alexander the Great's mum *and* shagging him too.

Angelina would be a fine addition to any dining-in night as long as you invite me too.

OTOH, the extremely sexy Jennifer Garner would be easy on the eye across the table and could also lecture your Mess on:

* Being a long-dead ghost assassin.

* Stabbing accurately with two very large knives at once.

* Leather catsuits: wearing them and getting away with it.

* Understanding the plot, whatsoever, of Alias (advanced skillz).

Lastly, my favourite TV crumpet du jour, Sarah Beany, could turn up, say now't but just show off her comedy norks. Drunken subbies could take turns trying to abseil down them.

Jordan to comment on car safety and rate their airbags etc

Peter Andre can be the crash test dummy :lol:


Also the girl who stars in the kids TV show 'Cave Girl' who has provoked the first masturbatory stirrings in my 11 year old son: she could comment on what it's like to be a children's TV star with a largely adult male following...
Sigourney Weaver - Switching on in the Alien work place


Book Reviewer
On the down side -
Jane Fonda, on the best way to operate a 57mm AA gun and also what it's like to be a traitorous baggage while your Countrymen are fighting a war?

Mind you, she's in good nick for an old bird :)

Halle Berry, to explain display her shooting techniques and general all-round fitness from that Bond film.....


Book Reviewer
For those of us of a certain age, Jenny Agutter can discuss appropriate clothing for the desert environment.
rachel weisz: Enemy at the Gates.

how to improve the morale of troops at the front by not being scared of a c0ck that hasn't been washed since the outbreak of hostilities.
Mr_Fingerz said:
For those of us of a certain age, Jenny Agutter can discuss appropriate clothing for the desert environment.
... and werewolf handling skills. Never know when you might wander into Dog Soldier territory.


Book Reviewer
Konnie Huq, Zoe Salmon and Liz Barker, can demonstrate uncannily accurate model making using nothing more than cornflake packets, discarded toilet roll tubes, and sticky-backed plastic.


Book Reviewer
Tony BLiar: How to f()ck up an entire nation's Armed Forces.

But would he have the balls?


Kit Reviewer
OldSnowy said:
Halle Berry, to explain display her shooting techniques and general all-round fitness from that Bond film.....
Can I suggest an ammendment - Halle Berry to let me display my shooting technique :D
Ross Kemp - how to pass selection
Andy McNob - accurate report writing
Mark Thatcher - map reading skills
Tony Blair - canoeing (especially how to backpaddle)
Geoff Hoon - how to block out unwanted voices
Any of the latest round of tory leaders - coping with hair loss
Clive Dunn - bayonet fighting (my fave) ;)
Peter O'Toole to demonstrate how to win the hearts and minds of an Arab population, and defeat your enemy with questionable arms and equipment.
Oh, and how not to fall off of your camel after drinking your daily two bottles of scotch. :wink:
Kate Adie - On how to conduct the timely execution of Ambushes and Bad luck
Aneka Rice.
air mobile operations and nav skills.

melinda messenger (fort boyard)
command tasks, and her lecture tour entitled
"so you think YOUR body armour doesn't fit"

carenza (sp?) from time team: how to dig to stage 2 using a small pointing trowel and some tramps.
If any of you are serious about inviting
celebrities to your Mess/Event you need to get in touch with a couple of groups.. first off I recommend going online to:

then you can type in the ' personality' and it will give you the agent/manager/ corporate handlers for the babe du jour or whoever..

after that I can give you the name of a ' celebrity wrangler ' [ US Based ] who will arrange for A-list types to show up at your soiree [ for a fee or other ' considerations ' ]..

I'll call up his name and post it in a bit...

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