Guard Commander's Report

Five naked women confronted police outside the Permanent Joint Headquarters of the British Armed Forces in Northwood, north-west London.  

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2003/04/07/ndemo07.xml&sSheet=/news/2003/04/07/ixnewstop.html

I was wondering what the best (ie. funniest / unbelievable) things were that people have seen / had to write in the Guard Commander's Report. Personally, regarding the link above, I'm just a bit jealous of the Orderly Officer!  :

 

Details of Occurance:  Sir,  at the date and time stated four civilian ladies paraded in front of the Guard Room naked.  

Action taken:  As the Army is supporting a democratic society I decided to allow them to remain naked for 3 hours except the 67 year old lady who was looked suspicious and was escorted out of camp.

 

Seen last year at a training camp...................Sir, at 1206 am the Guard Commander was approached by Pte's A and B (Both Female) and was asked to have sex with them both.  I instructed them both to go to their accomodation but they started to perform oral sex on each other in front of the guardroom.  I then informed the Ord Sgt who RAN from the duty bunk and assumed command of the situation and informed me (and the rest of the guard) to return back inside the guard room....................

I would have loved to have seen the ord sgt's report

 

Seen in the 13 Signal Regiment book in about 1990
Sir-At the time and date stated I have the honour to report that I have nothing to report.

How the nights flew by.

 

Sir

On returning to camp through the main gates, first aid was requested for Pte A who was on board the coach. It had transpired that Pte A had been receiving fellashyo fullachio fallashio oral sex from Pte B, who wears braces. On turning the corner into camp the coach driver braked sharply causing Pte B to swallow Pte A's member and gag, thus forcing her to withdraw her mouth sharply, at which time Pte A's foreskin was caught in Pte B's braces, ripping it clean off. Pte A does not wish to attent the local hospital A&E at this time, though it has been suggested to him by the Ord Sgt that he has urgent medical attention to his damaged member.

 

I don't know what the Guard Commander put in his report, but back in the mid-80s in a certain Signal Regt I was Duty Officer (again! :) and got called out to deal with a very distressed middle aged German lady. Took her into a cell, gave her a cigarette and a cup of coffee, noting the bloody scratches and bruises on her face and arms. She proceeded to tell me about the violent argument she and her husband (ex soldier and current NAAFI electrician, about 20 years her junior). She then became almost hysterical as she then described how, after the row, she'd gone to the bathroom to clean up herself up - and found said hubby on the bathroom floor with her little dachsund bitch enjoying carnal knowledge..............yes, indeed..........

When I called the NAAFI General Manager to tell him he had a problem, he answered the phone by saying "Hello, Battersea Dogs Home, Duty Dog calling......" (true!!)

 

This reminds me of Spike Milligan releasing the carrier pidgeon during WW2, with the attached note: I have been sent home for shitting in my cage.

Cheers,
msr