Great Works Of Literature, Done For The ARRSE.

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#1
There are times I regret not stopping in the airport at Helsinki back in Feb ’02. With hindsight I should have got a coffee and got me head down. But I was restless and went for a poodle about the place.

This led me to Tom of Sweden’s Sauna. Where I engaged in conversation with a fat ginger chap I now to be Good CO.

Let us draw a veil over personal memories, but one thing that sticks in my mind, other than his entirely inadequate after-shave, is this….

“Lovely Iron Duke, will you bring culture to the Horror that I have Spawned?”

Well, there was fuck all else to do in Helsinki. So I agreed. The rest as they say, is none of your fucking business.

So, Great Works Of Literature, Done For The ARRSE.

I’ll start shall I? Good.

Macbeth by William Shakespeare

Macbeth is a piece of fucking work but he is married to a mad bitch. Nobody on the ARRSE can identify with that, eh? Anyway, Macbeth is holding all the cards but should have done the mad bitch from the off. Some men fall in love. What’s to do? Jesus. Mates, eh? Duncan claims to work for the Min of Ag & Fish but, BUT, he gets a fucking wood to slide up sideways and knack Macbeth. Duncan later claims he has no connection with THEM.

Yeah, on you go. It was a stitch up from the off.
 
#2
Pride and Prejudice: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man, in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. Who the fuck else is gonna cook?
 
B

Barbarella

Guest
#3
Pride and Prejudice: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man, in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. Who the fuck else is gonna cook?
Yes but Whickam is a money grabbing paedo who has to be bought a commission and forced to marry the under age girl (the second no less!) he has run off with.

Didn't Crio's bloke do something like that?
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#4
Yes but Whickam is a money grabbing paedo
Picky, picky, picky. None of us are perfect. This is not about debate. This is about great literature. Have a crack at Tolstoy. Go on. I dare you.
 
#5
Lordy Rings!

Little dude gets given a ring. Ugly little dude wants the ring so he gets some big ugly dudes to go find it. First little guy has a fit of pique and refuses to share so heads off with more little dudes and some middle sized and big dudes and chucks the ring in a volcano! Oh and there's some fighty stuff!
 
#6
À la recherche du temps perdu

Proust's Bildungsroman should have had a better editor since 1,800 out of the 2,100 pages could have easily been axed. It probably would have been read by more people had it had only 300 or so pages. It's a novel in which nothing happens. Main character Marcel is an insomniac with too much eye for detail. He's envious of the gentry and a real mum's boy. However, impress your friends by recollecting your entire childhood when gazing at a biscuit Madeleine and suggest you got the idea from Proust. This book is a "must leave it on the shelves".
 
#7
Moby Dick by Herman Melville

Ship's Company of the PEQUOD drip about the boss for what feels like a million pages, until he gets them all killed.
 

Boldnotold

LE
Book Reviewer
#8
'Taming of the Shrew'.

Bloke wants a wife. Bloke gets a wife. Bloke teaches wife how to behave. No visible injuries.
 
#9
Yes but Whickam is a money grabbing paedo who has to be bought a commission and forced to marry the under age girl (the second no less!) he has run off with.
Then again Mrs Bennet is nothing but a massive pimp who be whoring out her fit daughters to any, ahem, gentleman callers.
 
#10
Lordy Rings!

Little dude gets given a ring. Ugly little dude wants the ring so he gets some big ugly dudes to go find it. First little guy has a fit of pique and refuses to share so heads off with more little dudes and some middle sized and big dudes and chucks the ring in a volcano! Oh and there's some fighty stuff!
Sorry, surely Lord of the Rings is a parody on Marriage?

Bloke gets ring,
Ring grants initial power and happiness,
Bloke suddenly realises that the ring's true master is totally evil,
Bloke's mates advise him to get rid of ring,
Getting rid of ring and ring's master proves more difficult and painful than first realised,
Bloke finally gets rid of ring only after extreme personal sacrifice,
Bloke then unable to live in own house any more and has to move to a new country to get happiness.
 
#11
Sorry, surely Lord of the Rings is a parody on Marriage?

Bloke gets ring,
Rring grants initial power and happiness,
Bloke whose got ring suddnely realises that the ring's true master is totally evil,
Bloke's mates advise him to get rid of ring,
Getting rid of ring and ring's master proves more difficult and painful than first realised,
Bloke final gets rid of ring only after extreme personal sacrifice,
Bloke then unable to live in own house any more and has to move to a new counrty to get happiness.
And your point is? No back off to the kitchen with you....the bin won't empty itself!!
 

Wordsmith

LE
Book Reviewer
#12
Field Marshall Montgomery: 'El Alamein to the River Sangro' and 'Normandy to the Baltic':

"Everything went accordingly to plan". Loud off-stage chorus: "No it fecking well didn't".

Wordsmith
 
#13
Homers - The Silliad. (A Steven Seagull joint)

Mr Burns runs off with Marge to a one goat town in Cyprus, Homer gets the hump and books a package tour with a bunch of squaddies as they have no fucking ships left. After the three day drive from the airport they lay siege to said town.

Unfortunately being British squaddies they end up spending the next ten years crashing mopeds, getting cunted and wrapping shovels around tour guide heads. Eventually a bloke called Sharpe says "By gum lads this be takin ages, let's build a big 'oss."

Once the big horse is accepted for no particular reason the scousers hidden inside deploy their breaking and entering skills and it all kicks off.

It then takes the movers for-fucking-ever to get everyone home.
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#14
Piking Up the Brass

Civvy scrote joins army and becomes an army scrote. Endex.
 

Boldnotold

LE
Book Reviewer
#15

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#16
Moby Dick by Herman Melville

A bunch of Septics get on a boat and fuck off to the Antarctic. The Captain is nuts and should have been slotted from the off. There is a bloke called Elijah who is obviously Al-Q and should have been slotted from the off. There is a bloke called Starbuck who later opened a chain of dreadful cafes and there is some whales.
 
#17
The Bible
The world started, The world ends soon.
 
#18
So this Hiter fella wrote this battle plan as a book main Kampf........!


Hey, we are animals and should fight like animals for success. Piss on bourgeois peace and order, and for fecks sake show a bit of passion!

The fighting capacity of a race depends on its purity; Jews are pacifist and internationalist, so let's exclude that lot!

Commanders are more valuable than the plebs, and if we don't lead the plebs to fight we are doomed. We should gather all the scattered German elements throughout Europe, restore our confidence and make our army feel sure it is invincible.

Education? Forget the crap, it is only tomake soldiers easy to train, forget your bullshit bourgeois values.

Times are dodgy and we should take over! No scruples, and we should do this ourselves, not rely on fecking internationalists, socialists, Leagues of Nations, or cowardly pacifist states to be any part of it..

For allies only England and Italy are possible, the rest are wusses.

We need more space in Europe, and to expand to Russia and the Baltic States.

Thank God I have written this in German, or they would see my plans for world domination laid down and might do something about it.




...and hardly anyone in Europe read it!
 
B

Barbarella

Guest
#19
War and Peace - Tolstoy.

Bloody enormous cast, based around time of French invasion of Russia so features Alexei 1 and Napoleon...

Socially retarded bloke (the sort often found in places like this...) called Pierre and his cronies, consisting largely of incest loving paedo Army Officers trot off to fight the French. Their families decline into abstract poverty because of the war and they all try to find wealthy wives. Pierre inherits a fortune and persuades a bird called Helene, who is reputedly shagging her brother, to marry him. She cops off with another bloke, gauntlets are cast to the floor, duelling ensues... Pierre wins, roughs Helene up for being a tart then leaves on a quest to find more meaning to his vacuous life of parties - oh what it is to be a Hussar! Andrei the paedo is injured and returns to find his wife has died, goes awol and hides at the family estate writing pocetastic ideas on how the army should be run. He then returns to war and promptly receives a grenade to the gut whilst Helene's filthy brother loses a leg.
Pierre tries to assassinate Napoleon and is captured by the French, tramps about in the snow with them for a while and is then rescued. He returns to find his slutty wife has finally died (botched abortion) and marries a girl called Natasha - who is probably a very flexible and wealthy ballerina, suffice to say he is happy and well shot of the old slapper Helene.
 
#20
Red Badge Of Courage

Young lad joins up to help look for a Elephant, goes south, west and east. Eventually returns to his muckers after a bit of smoke with gunners missing the target, realising that The General is asking to dine with his boys that night, another battle is settled.

Never does find the elephant however his nice enfield rifle + bayonet silence that pesky rebel yell in a way that L/cpl Jones was often heard excitingly yelling.[video]http://youtu.be/6e0XeHzS5MY[/video]



Native American frontiersman escorts British Officer + two sisters to Fort William Henry, discovering the Frogs with some pesky Hurons besieging the Fort. Father reunites with daughters then daughters are kidnapped by injuns,when Father surrenders the fort to the Frogs. Frogs Injuns scalp and take hostage English and colonial natives Father after goes doolaally. One daughter dies on a cliff face whith her intended avenging her death by plunging her kidnapper over the side.
[video]http://youtu.be/7tiKM4fxY1U[/video]
 

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