Great Works Of Literature, Done For The ARRSE.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by TheIronDuke, May 25, 2011.

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  1. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    There are times I regret not stopping in the airport at Helsinki back in Feb ’02. With hindsight I should have got a coffee and got me head down. But I was restless and went for a poodle about the place.

    This led me to Tom of Sweden’s Sauna. Where I engaged in conversation with a fat ginger chap I now to be Good CO.

    Let us draw a veil over personal memories, but one thing that sticks in my mind, other than his entirely inadequate after-shave, is this….

    “Lovely Iron Duke, will you bring culture to the Horror that I have Spawned?”

    Well, there was fuck all else to do in Helsinki. So I agreed. The rest as they say, is none of your fucking business.

    So, Great Works Of Literature, Done For The ARRSE.

    I’ll start shall I? Good.

    Macbeth by William Shakespeare

    Macbeth is a piece of fucking work but he is married to a mad bitch. Nobody on the ARRSE can identify with that, eh? Anyway, Macbeth is holding all the cards but should have done the mad bitch from the off. Some men fall in love. What’s to do? Jesus. Mates, eh? Duncan claims to work for the Min of Ag & Fish but, BUT, he gets a fucking wood to slide up sideways and knack Macbeth. Duncan later claims he has no connection with THEM.

    Yeah, on you go. It was a stitch up from the off.
  2. Pride and Prejudice: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man, in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. Who the fuck else is gonna cook?
  3. Yes but Whickam is a money grabbing paedo who has to be bought a commission and forced to marry the under age girl (the second no less!) he has run off with.

    Didn't Crio's bloke do something like that?
  4. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Picky, picky, picky. None of us are perfect. This is not about debate. This is about great literature. Have a crack at Tolstoy. Go on. I dare you.
  5. Lordy Rings!

    Little dude gets given a ring. Ugly little dude wants the ring so he gets some big ugly dudes to go find it. First little guy has a fit of pique and refuses to share so heads off with more little dudes and some middle sized and big dudes and chucks the ring in a volcano! Oh and there's some fighty stuff!
  6. À la recherche du temps perdu

    Proust's Bildungsroman should have had a better editor since 1,800 out of the 2,100 pages could have easily been axed. It probably would have been read by more people had it had only 300 or so pages. It's a novel in which nothing happens. Main character Marcel is an insomniac with too much eye for detail. He's envious of the gentry and a real mum's boy. However, impress your friends by recollecting your entire childhood when gazing at a biscuit Madeleine and suggest you got the idea from Proust. This book is a "must leave it on the shelves".
  7. Moby Dick by Herman Melville

    Ship's Company of the PEQUOD drip about the boss for what feels like a million pages, until he gets them all killed.
    • Like Like x 4
  8. Boldnotold

    Boldnotold LE Book Reviewer

    'Taming of the Shrew'.

    Bloke wants a wife. Bloke gets a wife. Bloke teaches wife how to behave. No visible injuries.
    • Like Like x 3
  9. Then again Mrs Bennet is nothing but a massive pimp who be whoring out her fit daughters to any, ahem, gentleman callers.
  10. Sorry, surely Lord of the Rings is a parody on Marriage?

    Bloke gets ring,
    Ring grants initial power and happiness,
    Bloke suddenly realises that the ring's true master is totally evil,
    Bloke's mates advise him to get rid of ring,
    Getting rid of ring and ring's master proves more difficult and painful than first realised,
    Bloke finally gets rid of ring only after extreme personal sacrifice,
    Bloke then unable to live in own house any more and has to move to a new country to get happiness.
    • Like Like x 11
  11. And your point is? No back off to the kitchen with you....the bin won't empty itself!!
  12. Wordsmith

    Wordsmith LE Book Reviewer

    Field Marshall Montgomery: 'El Alamein to the River Sangro' and 'Normandy to the Baltic':

    "Everything went accordingly to plan". Loud off-stage chorus: "No it fecking well didn't".

    • Like Like x 1
  13. Homers - The Silliad. (A Steven Seagull joint)

    Mr Burns runs off with Marge to a one goat town in Cyprus, Homer gets the hump and books a package tour with a bunch of squaddies as they have no fucking ships left. After the three day drive from the airport they lay siege to said town.

    Unfortunately being British squaddies they end up spending the next ten years crashing mopeds, getting cunted and wrapping shovels around tour guide heads. Eventually a bloke called Sharpe says "By gum lads this be takin ages, let's build a big 'oss."

    Once the big horse is accepted for no particular reason the scousers hidden inside deploy their breaking and entering skills and it all kicks off.

    It then takes the movers for-fucking-ever to get everyone home.
    • Like Like x 3
  14. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Piking Up the Brass

    Civvy scrote joins army and becomes an army scrote. Endex.
  15. Boldnotold

    Boldnotold LE Book Reviewer

    An New Model Army scrote with a pike?