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Great quotes from Viz mag

#1
I blatently stole this from another forum


I HAVE recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette
Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight
or a paedophile. What do your readers think?
J Smith, Suffolk


COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa.
Les Barnsley, Barnsley


'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania',
says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.
Tracey Cusick, Cumbria


HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N----R' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford


So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do
they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
Tim


They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last
edition of "High School ****" that I bought featured a young lady stuffing
a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be
an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts


IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the
heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way
to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of
my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room
carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol


I AM becoming sick and tired with the media's politically correct
obsession with gay sex. It's getting so that I can't turn on the Fantasy
Channel without seeing two naked homosexual women indulging in these
sordid practices. I'm thinking of cancelling my subscription..
T Cutt, Surrey


The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official
tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final
score place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield


I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's
prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God,
has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be
given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens
can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley


I drank three litres of white cider, a bottle of red wine and then a
couple of cans on Friday night. Despite this, I had the shittiest
Saturday of my life. Can any of your readers explain why, because I am
at a loss.
Patrick Bateman, e-mail


Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail


With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of
Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the F------g tw@t quickly enough
the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email


It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but
why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan
and she started to look like my grandmother?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast


I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with
Jenny. She is a great shag. Thanks again mate.
Baz, Bondi
 

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