Great One Liners

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by easesprings, Nov 19, 2004.

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  1. Sorry MODS couldn't find the jokes thread

    What's the best form of birth control after 50?
    What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    45 lbs.
    What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    45 minutes.
    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.
    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.
    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.
    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
    What do you call a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.
    Why does the bride always wear white?
    Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
    A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
    The blonde, because she's 18
    Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
    Ask your mom.

    How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
    When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
    Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have?
    Palm Sunday.
    What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
    Her navel.
    What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    Bingo machine.

    What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
    Why did God create alcohol?
    So ugly people could have sex, too.
    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    "Are you sure it's mine?"
    What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
    Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
    Mace will do that to you.
    Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
    Everyone has the same DNA.
    Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
    They named him Sum Ting Wong.
    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.
    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.
    What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
    A pimp.
    Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
    Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
    What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
    A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
    What's the Cuban National Anthem?
    Row, row, row your boat.
    What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
    A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

    This has made my day really cheered me up :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
  2. Thanks for that. Now doing the rounds in the office :D
  3. Mayor of Hiroshima: What the f*ck was that....
  4. What's the differents between a wife and the Army?
    The Army still blows after 5 years.

    Join the Air force fly the world, Join the Navy sail it, Join the Army and Walk the B@st@rd. :D
  5. ??????????????????????? :? :? :? :? :? :? :?
  6. Need I say more?
  7. On hearing the bang of the atom bomb
  8. There's some good'uns there! They'll be good for keeping up morale on exercise! :D
  9. On describing the particularly unkempt fanny of a local lady.

    "Fcuk me, it was like a gorillas autopsy"
  10. The main difference between a Drug Dealer and a Prostitute
    is that the Prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again.