Great One Liners

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by easesprings, Nov 19, 2004.

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  1. Sorry MODS couldn't find the jokes thread


    What's the best form of birth control after 50?
    Nudity
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    What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    45 lbs.
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    What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    45 minutes.
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    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.
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    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.
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    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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    What do you call a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.
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    Why does the bride always wear white?
    Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
    refrigerator.
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    A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
    The blonde, because she's 18
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    Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
    Ask your mom.
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    How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
    When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
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    Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have?
    Palm Sunday.
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    What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
    Her navel.
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    What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    Bingo machine.
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    What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
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    Why did God create alcohol?
    So ugly people could have sex, too.
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    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    "Are you sure it's mine?"
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    What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
    Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
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    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
    Mace will do that to you.
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    Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
    Everyone has the same DNA.
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    Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
    They named him Sum Ting Wong.
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    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.
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    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.
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    What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
    A pimp.
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    Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
    Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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    What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
    A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
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    What's the Cuban National Anthem?
    Row, row, row your boat.
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    What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
    A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
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    This has made my day really cheered me up :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  2. Thanks for that. Now doing the rounds in the office :D
     
  3. Mayor of Hiroshima: What the f*ck was that....
     
  4. What's the differents between a wife and the Army?
    The Army still blows after 5 years.

    Join the Air force fly the world, Join the Navy sail it, Join the Army and Walk the B@st@rd. :D
     
  5. ??????????????????????? :? :? :? :? :? :? :?
     
  6. Need I say more?
     
  7. On hearing the bang of the atom bomb
     
  8. There's some good'uns there! They'll be good for keeping up morale on exercise! :D
     
  9. On describing the particularly unkempt fanny of a local lady.

    "Fcuk me, it was like a gorillas autopsy"
     
  10. The main difference between a Drug Dealer and a Prostitute
    is that the Prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again.



    :p