I found out last night that my granny made a porno film back in the 60s. I dont know what disgusted me more, the fact that she made it or the fact that I carried on wanking after Id recognised her. Essex girl and boy playing hide and seek. She sent him a text saying, if you find me you can lick my pussy and fuck me up the arse, .PS, Im in the shed. I hate having to crush up my grannies pills and put them in her dinner. It feels sneaky but I would never forgive myself if I got her pregnant. My missus was standing at the stove cooking breakfast whilst I was sitting at the kitchen table with my 4 year old daughter. Daddy, where does bacon come from? she said. We get it from a pig sweetheart I replied. Wow, what else do we get from a pig? she asked. 2 rounds of toast and a cup of tea if she fucking knows whats good for her I replied. Just saw a massive fat, rotten toothed, spotty ginger bird buying a rape alarm. Got to admire her optimism! Ive just received a letter saying that my rich old long lost uncle has died and left me a very expensive watch in his will. I hope its not a wind up. I was shagging my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in. You cant do this to me she cried. I know I replied thats why Im doing it to her. Ive just found out my dad has Alzheimers disease. I hope it doesnt run in the family cos my dads got it as well. When my missus left I was sad and lonely. Since then Ive bought a new car, started drinking, shagged 2 prostitutes and blown a grand on the horses. Shell go fucking nuts when she gets back from work. My wife just called me and said, youve given me crabs you complete bastard, how could you. I said whoooooooaaaa, hang on, before you start blaming me have a fucking word with your sister. I was watching Match of the Day when the missus said fancy a shag babe. I said after the football love. She said you do realise you can record it and watch it later. I replied, nice one, you go upstairs and get the camcorder ready and Ill be up when the footy finishes. I split up with the missus last night. She said I care more about football than I care about her. I was fucking devastated I was with her for 12 seasons. I was staring at a beautiful girl on the train late last night. She said what are you looking at? I said, probably 6 to 8 years, but it all depends on how much of a fight you put up. I was at my sex weekly addicts clinic today and the lovely woman who takes it said that she thinks Ive come a long way and no I longer see females as merely sex objects and I can appreciate them as equals. It sounds to me like she wants me to pump her. A bloke takes his 12 year old daughter to the doctors after she complains of morning sickness. The doctor said to him, is your daughter sexually active. He replied, is she fuck, she just lies there like her mother. I went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker. Now Ive got this skinny little Kenyan 2 yards in front of me everywhere I go. I put a porno on the other night and all I could see on the screen was a dark blurry image of a fat bald bloke wanking furiously. It was then I realised that Id forgotten to switch the TV on. I was an accountant from the age of 20 to the age of 30 before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a fucking waste of 13 years.