Grannies etc

I found out last night that my granny made a porno film back in the 60’s. I don’t know what disgusted me more, the fact that she made it or the fact that I carried on wanking after I’d recognised her.

Essex girl and boy playing hide and seek. She sent him a text saying, ‘if you find me you can lick my pussy and fuck me up the arse, ………………………………………………………….PS, I’m in the shed.’

I hate having to crush up my grannies pills and put them in her dinner. It feels sneaky but I would never forgive myself if I got her pregnant.

My missus was standing at the stove cooking breakfast whilst I was sitting at the kitchen table with my 4 year old daughter. ‘Daddy, where does bacon come from?’ she said. ‘We get it from a pig sweetheart’ I replied. ‘Wow, what else do we get from a pig?’ she asked. ‘2 rounds of toast and a cup of tea if she fucking knows what’s good for her’ I replied.

Just saw a massive fat, rotten toothed, spotty ginger bird buying a rape alarm. Got to admire her optimism!

I’ve just received a letter saying that my rich old long lost uncle has died and left me a very expensive watch in his will. I hope it’s not a wind up.

I was shagging my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in. ‘You can’t do this to me’ she cried. ‘I know’ I replied ‘that’s why I’m doing it to her.’

I’ve just found out my dad has Alzheimer’s disease. I hope it doesn’t run in the family cos my dad’s got it as well.

When my missus left I was sad and lonely. Since then I’ve bought a new car, started drinking, shagged 2 prostitutes and blown a grand on the horses. She’ll go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

My wife just called me and said, ‘you’ve given me crabs you complete bastard, how could you.’ I said ‘whoooooooaaaa, hang on, before you start blaming me have a fucking word with your sister.’

I was watching Match of the Day when the missus said’ ‘fancy a shag babe.’ I said ‘after the football love.’ She said ‘you do realise you can record it and watch it later.’ I replied, ‘nice one, you go upstairs and get the camcorder ready and I’ll be up when the footy finishes.’

I split up with the missus last night. She said I care more about football than I care about her. I was fucking devastated…………………………………………………………………………… I was with her for 12 seasons.

I was staring at a beautiful girl on the train late last night. She said ‘what are you looking at?’ I said, ‘probably 6 to 8 years, but it all depends on how much of a fight you put up.’

I was at my sex weekly addict’s clinic today and the lovely woman who takes it said that she thinks I’ve come a long way and no I longer see females as merely sex objects and I can appreciate them as equals. It sounds to me like she wants me to pump her.

A bloke takes his 12 year old daughter to the doctors after she complains of morning sickness. The doctor said to him, ‘is your daughter sexually active.’ He replied, ‘is she fuck, she just lies there like her mother.’

I went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker. Now I’ve got this skinny little Kenyan 2 yards in front of me everywhere I go.

I put a porno on the other night and all I could see on the screen was a dark blurry image of a fat bald bloke wanking furiously. It was then I realised that I’d forgotten to switch the TV on.

I was an accountant from the age of 20 to the age of 30 before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a fucking waste of 13 years.
Actually the first funny one of this type of post I've seen on Arrse, and I've been here since about 2001.

I know it says 2003 in my avatar block thingy, but the older of you may remember the 'change'.

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