Discussion in 'Sick Jokes' started by AT55, Sep 27, 2012.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I listened to The Goons on Radio 4 Extra the other day as I was easing my aching muscles after an exhausting round of Sudoku.
    They may be a tad dated having been written and recorded in the 50's but I chucked at a couple of lines uttered by Neddy Seagoon.

    " I've never done a day's work in my life and have an OBE to prove it". and

    "I want to learn how to play the bagpipes properly. Impossible as no one can play the bagpipes properly".

    Can any Arrser think of any any Goon quips that made them laugh?
  2. "The prison camp was full of officers who had sworn to die before capture".
    • Like Like x 1
  3. 'Gad sir! You think of everything!'
    'No, sometimes I don't think of Aardvarks'
    'You shouldn't be so careless'

    Grypipe-Thynne'I see you're wearing a Cambridge tie'
    Eccles 'Yup'
    G-T' What did you do there?'
    Eccles 'Bought a tie'
    • Like Like x 1
  4. You no frighten me, I wear clean underwear!
  5. They opned the Watergate and everyone got wetted! Nixon-tapes Congress etc - it was a seventies thing.

    Oh he's fallen in the watah!
  6. Seagoon: Calling, B4. Calling, B4. Hello? Control calling, B4.
    Bluebottle: Hello, Captain!
    Seagoon: Is that you, B4?
    Bluebottle: Yes!
    Seagoon: Why didn't you answer me, B4?
    Bluebottle: Because I didn't hear you B4.
    Seagoon: Listen, warning - do not land at Croydon Airport because it's not there yet.
    Bluebottle: Righto then.
    Seagoon: Now, what is your exact position?
    Bluebottle: I'm lying on my side, with my knees drawn up under my chin.
    Seagoon: Why?
    Bluebottle: I'm at home in bed
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Major Dennis Bloodnok,addressing his grumbling men,'Sorry to get you up in the middle of the day'.....'We want our beddy-byes.'
  8. Fearlessly ripped off from Goonscripts: What time is it, Eccles?

    Bluebottle: What time is it Eccles?
    Eccles: Err, just a minute. I, I've got it written down 'ere on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.
    Bluebottle: Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you Eccles?
    Eccles: Well, umm, if a anybody asks me the ti-ime, I ca-can show it to dem.
    Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man...
    Eccles: What is it fellow?
    Bluebottle: It's writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o'clock, is writted.
    Eccles: I know that my good fellow. That's right, um, when I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o'clock.
    Bluebottle: Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?
    Eccles: Ah, den I don't show it to dem.
    Bluebottle: Ooohhh...
    Eccles: [Smacks lips] Yeah.
    Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?
    Eccles: I've got it written down on a piece of paper!
    Bluebottle: Oh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on.
    Eccles: Oohhhh.
    Bluebottle: 'Ere Eccles?
    Eccles: Yah.
    Bluebottle: Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you? - 'Ere. This piece of paper ain't goin'.
    Eccles: What? I've been sold a forgery!
    Bluebottle: No wonder it stopped at eight o'clock.
    Eccles: Oh dear.
    Bluebottle: You should get one of them tings my grandad's got.
    Eccles: Oooohhh?
    Bluebottle: His firm give it to him when he retired.
    Eccles: Oooohhh.
    Bluebottle: It's one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o'clock, boils the kettil, and pours a cuppa tea.
    Eccles: Ohhh yeah! What's it called? Um.
    Bluebottle: My granma.
    Eccles: Ohh... Ohh, ah wait a minute. How does she know when it's eight o'clock?
    Bluebottle: She's got it written down on a piece of paper!
    • Like Like x 3
  9. I remember in the Falklands around ten years ago, Falklands radio ran all the goon shows on a Thursday night. As Thursday was always a late working day for me , it made the shift go a little easier. (better than listening to the farming and fishing quotas anyway!)

    The Macreekie Rising of '74

    Chisholm: Hairy Scots, tonight we march north to England!
    Secombe: But England's south!
    Chisholm: Aye, we're gonna march right round the world and sneak up on them from behind!

    I Was Monty's Treble

    German 1: Montgomery is always flying backwards and forwards between England-
    German 2: They have planes that fly backwards?
    German 1: Private Schnutz, I have bad news for you.
    German 2: Private? I am a general!
    German 1: That is the bad news.

    A couple of quotes from the Goon scripts:

    The Goon Show - 55 scripts
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Thank you for your support. I wear it every day.
  11. I'm not a miserable coward. I'm a perfectly happy one.
  12. Bloodnok: I'll turn a deaf ear.
    Seagoon: I didn't know you had a deaf ear.
    Bloodnok: Yes, I found it on the floor of a barber's shop.
  13. Henry: Here, Minnie, hold my elephant gun.
    Minnie: I don't know what you brought it for. You can't shoot elephants in England, you know.
    Henry: And why not?
    Minnie: They're out of season.
    Henry: Does this mean we shall have to have pelican for dinner again?
    Minnie: I fear so, I fear so.
    Henry: Then I'll risk it. I'll shoot an elephant out of season.
  14. Seagoon: For an hour we ran in French, which I ran fluently.
  15. "Darling, don't fight it. This thing is bigger than both of us"

    (Sexy female voice) "Oh Tom, it''s an elephant"

    War? I must write my memoires...(sounds of typing)...the day war broke out I said to Alanbrooke "you bloody fool..."