Golfing Nun; Olden But Golden Alert...

Discussion in 'Blue Jokes' started by dixie-basher, Jul 25, 2013.

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  1. A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks herself down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

    'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

    'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

    'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
    'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
    'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

    'Well, we were on the fifth tee and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life, it was the sweetest swing I've ever made. The ball is flew straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hit a bird in mid-flight!'

    'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

    'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, a squirrel ran out of the woods, picked up my ball and ran off down the fairway!'

    'Is that when you blasphemed!' asked the Mother.
    'No Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swooped out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel and flew away, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

    'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
    'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

    "Jesus Christ! You missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
    • Like Like x 11
  2. Heard it before but that Sir was a fine version - have a like!
  3. Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
    I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

    (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

    I'm now banned from the Co-op.

    Better watch what you ask retired people.
    They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say
    • Like Like x 11
  4. How very true, and its a very fertile area.

    Floorwalker " Can I help you sir?"
    me- " I very much doubt it."

    Floorwalker, "What seems to be the problem?"
    me: "My wife's a witch"
    FW nonplussed
    Me: "You did ask."
    FW " any way I can help"
    me:" I doubt it unless you are clairvoyant. She has a habit of disappearing when I am walking down the Isle and then I have spend time and effort finding her. She also has a habit of saying she will be where she won't."
  5. A bloke brings his best mate home after work to meet his wife.
    His wife screams

    "You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a right fucking tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!".

    "Why the fuck did you bring him home?".

    The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting married".
    • Like Like x 8
  6. Move ahead a few years and this same bloke is fed up with the grotty house, the stacked up dirty dishes, and wifey forever lazing around on the lounge in dressing gown and curlers watching soapies on television.

    "Right, that's it, enough is enough!" He thinks to himself, and at work the next day he phones up a lawyer friend and asks him if there is any precedence of a 'legal' murder.

    The only thing the lawyer could come up with was to screw his wife to death.

    "Thanks mate, I'll give it a go."

    When he gets home from work, he grabs his wife by her rollered hair, drags her kicking and screaming to the bedroom, rips off her tattered fluffy gown, and proceeds to hammer her holes every which way possible.

    After a few hours, she finally collapses and lays lifeless on the bed. He checks for vital signs, and satisfied he's done her in, collapses into the best sleep he's had in years.

    Waking up to go to work the next morning, the wife is still laying in the same spot as he left her. He whistles merrily as he shaves and showers, and is ecstatic as he drives to work. He hasn't felt this fantastic in years! He'll arrive home from work, find the body, and call the police to say she has died from a heart attack during a hectic sex session the previous evening. Perfect!

    He gets home that afternoon and walks through the front door. He can't believe his eyes! The house is spotless! The kitchen is sparkling, and all the clothes that were clogging up the laundry are washed and neatly pressed.

    The next thing, here comes the wife down the stairs, pretty dress on, hair perfect and made up beautifully!

    In a semi state of shock he asks her what in the living hell is going on.

    She just gives him a wink and a smile and says,

    "You look after me love, and I'll look after you."
    • Like Like x 2