Going on a Diet??

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by twicer, Sep 27, 2004.

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  1. If you're feeling a bit 'porky' this afternoon, here's something to cheer u
    up...

    The Facts:

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
    true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't
    waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
    your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
    extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
    Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
    and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
    an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
    grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
    vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
    allowance of vegetable products.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
    that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
    more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
    up!


    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
    one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
    exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good


    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
    oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
    bad For you?


    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
    middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
    should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
    The best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
    about food and diets and remember, Life should NOT be a journey to the
    grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
    preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - beer in one hand -
    chocolate in the other body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and
    screaming - WOO HOO!

    Twicer :wink: