Gob before Brain

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by DieHard, Oct 24, 2005.

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  1. :oops: Ever been in that embarrising situation when your gob speaks before your brain shifts out of nuetral?
    Let us all hear them here, im sure we all have one.
    To get you started i was in my local british legion standing at the bar , when i spotted a guy staring at the barmaids rather large breasts. After spotting him looking for a good 10 minutes i said to him" if you keep looking you will go blind" whereupon he turned in my direction and said, while trying to hit me with his white stick " i am fcuking blind".
    oops. At least he couldnt see how red i had gone. :lol:
  2. Or when, whatever you said sounded much funnier in your head before you opened your mouth.

  3. when at age 16 i popped round to a m8s house only to find he was staying at his dads house for the weekend went in for a glass of wine with his mum anyway ended up pissed shagged her and obviously told every one all about it anyway m8 gets to hear about it isnt happy as you can imagine wants to deck me but just keeps gobbing of and backing away getting a bit sick of this and just wanting it sorted i heard myself say "you want a scrap come ahead dont be shy your mother wasnt" needless to say he found it in him to take a pop then
  4. Of course you did!


  5. Please find a supply of commas, full stops and capital letters. Feel free to use them in your next post.


    Hope this helps.
  6. Come on now Gemill, tell the truth. You arrived at your mates house, clocked his mother and instantly premmied into your Y fronts. Your mate saw your "map of Luxemburg" and promptly decked you, shortly before he urinated all over your gurgling corpse. It's at this point in the story ( in my own twisted mind) that he then ate his mother out and gave her the "money shot" all over her face.
    Thank you, I am now spent.
  7. Sat in the pub with some mates and their girlfriends from home. Talking about how long you'd live on the battlefield if the sh*t hit the fan. My mate said "I've read somewhere that an infantryman lives for about 10 seconds" I said it was something like that but a rad-op lives for about 3, cos he gets dropped first. "So," I continued "as soon as he goes down you've got about 7 seconds to w*nk yourself blind." You could've heard a pin drop, and one of the girls still isn't talking to me.
  8. Sympathetic_Reaction

    Sympathetic_Reaction LE Book Reviewer

    I remember coming back of exercise and walking into my parents house, dumping my kit bag on the floor and the first words out of my mouth were....

    "Stick a fcuking brew on"

    The look on my mothers face was classic...I learnt a valuable lesson then.....take a day to let your brain return to the civilised world after being on exercise.

  9. Home on leave once and got dragged down to play snooker with my brothers and their mates. The old boy on the table on the table next to us appeared to cough every time I was lining up a shot so I gobbed off "what's the matter with you - got cancer or something?" - to which he replied "yes"

    Please open a big hole in the floor so I can dive in. :oops: :oops:
  10. Working in a rather large restaurant kitchen, became a bit of a tradition to say to someone looking misearable-

    "whats the matter, yer father died?"

    One of my kitchen porters got a phone call one Saturday afternoon, came back looking mega miserable so I opened gob and issued customary phrase.....

    Thats right you've almost got it, it was his best friend instead of his father, but it was close enough.

    Mouth stays firmly clamped shut these days until I know whats going on. I even offered to allow him to hit me I felt so bad....
  11. Ten seconds! 8O Feck me, you and your mate can travel in a different vehicle, theres no way I'm letting you in mine. Oh yes, with luck like yours, dont bother doing the lottery, or even crossing the road for that matter.
  12. On leave after Granby I was in a rather nice pub in Preston and drinking my way through 6 months of accumulated wages. the girl serving was rather plump and was (I thought) ignoring my friend trying to desperately get a round in. I said in rather a loud voice (due to prevous alcohol drunk) 'Oi, someone get chip pan girls attention will you!', trying to comment on her size and possible love of chips. The crowd at the bar parted and I could see the poor girl was waering a short sleeved blouse and had obviously suffered massive burns to her arms in the past as both were deeply scarred and the tissue had nver fully recovered.
    We left to get a beer elsewhere. On the other side of town.
  13. A distant relative met a girl with whom she went to school and the conversation went something like this:

    "So, <name> you look like you have lost a lot of weight and look really good".
    "Yes" replies <name>
    "How did you manage to lose so much".
    "Good, good. I need to lose a couple of pounds, I might give that a go".

    Sadly, she didn't even know what she had said until someone explained it to her later that day.
  14. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    OOOOooooooH I bet even in Preston you could hear the pin drop!
    Mine though not as bad was whilst on the way to being pi$$ed in Hameln was to comment as quietly as a drunken lad can about the state of young german girls hairdo, something like backwards through the hedge. Turned out her and her nice mate spoke better english than most of the jocks and micks on the course and I was on the lash with her Boyfriend, big scary mick! Oh to be a foolish young cnut again instead of an old one!
  15. On a recent trip home for a school re-union I met up with a few of the old crowd and was at once herded into a corner by one of them telling me that 'Johns' wife had just died so careful what I say etc. Naturally as I hadnt seen 'John' for nearly 20 years I strode the full length of the room, shook him firmly by the hand and asked ' How's the wife and kids ?' Feck !! :?